Page 14 of Shake the Habit

“Honesty?”

“No…well, in a way,” I corrected myself. “She advised me not to say too much, too soon.”

“Too soon for what?”

I looked over at him and shrugged. “I mean, I saw how you looked at me after I told you that I was an addict. I get it, too. It’s like hanging out a banner that says, ‘I’m untrustworthy!’” I added jazz hands. “Once people know, they get afraid that I’ll relapse. Last summer, I went to see Jack Calder perform. Do you know who he is? The country singer?” Caleb shook his head, no. “That was the last time I went out. It was so nerve-racking because my cousin came and she watched me like I was under a microscope. I guess I would do the same thing if I were in their shoes. But I’m really, really working hard so I don’t let them down.”

I looked at him, realizing that I’d done it again. Why had I gone on like this? I should have listened to my mother.

“I guess this is what she was warning me about,” I remarked. “The over-sharing. It’s not a smart thing to do with a potential client. I shouldn’t admit what a dummy I am.” I winced. “Don’t hold this against Marc. He’s always been totally straight and he’s always done the right stuff.”

“Why does he have you working for him? Was it a favor?”

That stung a lot, although it might have been true. Marc’s mama and mine were good friends. “I was thinking that I took the job to help him, but you’re probably right,” I said. “It was probably for my benefit instead of the other way around, but I didn’t realize it until just now. After I finished rehab the second time, Iwent through a few jobs. Leaving the loan office wasn’t my fault, because it closed. And the one before that was because my boss got a little too interested in me, and his wife didn’t like it at all. I had to quit. Please don’t mention that to Marc, because I don’t want him to tell anyone else in my family,” I requested. “Before that, I was a waitress but I sucked and I did get fired. And before that…”

I let the words trail off. I had started with a shovel and had continued with an auger, and now I’d moved on to operating an excavator to dig a hole for myself. I patted my knee for Sir and when he walked over, I put my head down on his. I wished that I could pull the dirt back over my body to hide.

“How long have you been sober?” Caleb asked.

“Three years,” I said. “One thousand, four hundred, thirty-eight days, actually.”

“That’s a long time.”

I had been using for longer, though, because I’d started when I was thirteen. “The second rehab took better,” I remarked, and stood. “I’m going to check on Marc and see if he needs anything.” I removed the sweatshirt, carefully folded it, and put my muddy, wet coat back on. Then Sir and I walked out into the rain again, and we waited for my cousin in his truck.

Marc left the office earlier than usual that afternoon, because he and Taygen had plans for New Year’s Eve. “You sure you don’t want to come, KayKay?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head, “no, I really don’t.” I really did, but I was also really trying not to feel that way. I wanted to goout and have fun, but it just wasn’t possible. The parties hadn’t changed, but I had. Hadn’t I?

“Marc, thanks for this job,” I said. “Thanks for giving me this opportunity.”

He stared at me. “You save my butt almost every day,” he told me. “Thank you, right back.”

That was gratifying to hear. “I’m definitely a different girl now,” I told Sir on the way home. When we were in the car together, I always talked or sang to distract him from the misery of my cargo area. “I really am, and I should say, I’m a differentwoman. I’m mature, for one thing. A lot more mature. I would never do any of the stuff that I used to do.”

I thought of puking in gross alleys or waking up and feeling wretched. I’d gotten hurt a few times, too, such as when I’d fallen and broken my ankle and when I’d had to have my stomach pumped. Then there was the emotional hurt, like how I’d let my parents down…

“I don’t miss the bad parts,” I told Sir. It didn’t really follow what I’d said just before, but he was a dog. He probably didn’t ever really follow what I was telling him, but that didn’t hinder our conversations. “I miss…now, I don’t want you to take this as a criticism, because you’re great. You’re amazing and I already love you so much. But I miss having a guy. You’re great,” I repeated, “and you’re wonderful to snuggle with, although you do take up a lot of the bed and no offense, you still kind of smell like a skunk.” I’d changed my sheets three times since his arrival to combat that. “I miss someone’s arms around me. I missfeeling skin next to mine. Maybe you would feel that way about a girl dog, like you would miss fur.”

I sighed.

“I have changed, though. It doesn’t matter if Marc pity-hired me in the beginning, because I’m doing a good job there now. I’m paying all my bills. I’m eating right, kind of. I’m definitely getting more exercise than I have in years, thanks to you. I have great friends, even if they’re a little busy right now. I’m doing much better and it would be a bad idea to try to get a boyfriend. After all, you have to clean up your own house before you can invite other people in, and that doesn’t mean washing the dishes in the sink and wiping down the bathroom. No man likes issues,” I told Sir, because my aunt Amber had been right about that. I remembered how Caleb Woodson had reacted today when I’d gone on endlessly about my endless mistakes.

He’d looked a little ill.

“I’ll get there,” I assured my dog. “Someday, maybe, I’ll have what Aria and Cassidy do. They have guys who love them and beautiful futures to look forward to. Oh, my Lord!” I realized that I had been crying a little. “This is only because it’s another holiday,” I explained. “It’s a time when I would have gone out and made sure that I got a kiss at midnight. You know, not all men looked at me like Caleb did this morning. Some of them—a lot them were interested.” I sighed. “Never mind.”

We turned into my street and approached my duplex, and that was when I saw the truck. Sir sat up in the back and barked, making the windows of my car tremble with the sound wave.I looked at that old vehicle and thought that maybe someone besides my dog was interested in me right now.

Maybe?

Chapter 4

Sir had gone wild, and I got excited myself—unlike him, I didn’t drip drool from my lips, but I felt my heart beat faster. The driver of the truck got out and waved, and as he did that, the dog jumped into the back seat and then leaped forward one more row. He landed in the place that I already occupied and wedged himself into the small space between my chest and the steering wheel. I instinctively hit the brakes and luckily, I lived on this lonely road where there wasn’t anyone behind us to run right into our bumper as we slid to a stop.

My mouth was full of fur and I couldn’t see a thing over his massive body, which was also crushing me beneath its weight (probably even more than a hundred pounds now, because he’d been eating well). I was also deafened by the barking so close to my ears, but my sense of touch remained intact. I managed to find the door handle and I released him from the vehicle, hoping that Caleb would catch him before he took off again.

“Hell,” I heard. “What did you do to her? Sit.” There was a pause. “Good boy, Sir.”

---