Page 50 of Crazy About Love (All About Love)

I really think I’m going to vomit.

“We should be with other people,” he says, running a hand over the messed-up tiny bun on top of his head. “We should see what other people are like, experience someone different for a while. Have fun, fool around, date, and have those experiences so we know for sure that what we have is for real. How will we know if we only know each other?”

His answer would make sense to an outside party, I’m sure. People who’ve been in this kind of relationship probably feel the same way at some point. Yes, he’s the only guy I’ve kissed, slept with, loved…but unlike him, that’s exactly why Iknowwhat we have is real. So his answer guts me like a pumpkin on Halloween. The realization that for four years the realness and the love I’ve had for him were not completely reciprocated. My perception on it is miles away from his.

“What if I don’t want to be with anyone else?” I tell him, cursing the croaking in my throat yet again.

His smile’s gone now. All the way. His eyes are big and blue, and even via Facetime I can see the moisture coming up in them.

“Please, T. This’ll only work if we both do it.”

“Both do what? Break up?”

“No. I want to try an open relationship.”

“Why?” I spit out, swiping at my cheek to get rid of all evidence of the knife in my heart. “If you want some other girl, just cheat on me. Make this easy.”

“I don’t want some other girl.” There he goes, sighing again. “I wantexperiences. But I’m not going to commit myself to anyone except you.”

“So you want permission to sleep around and party and hook up, but still keep me in reserve for when you’re ready to settle down?” I let out a juicy yet hollow laugh, but it gets sucked away when he immediately nods.

“Yeah, that’s what I want.”

The uncontrollable sobs that I was suppressing? Um, yeah, those are all gone. Now all that’s rolling through my gutted stomach is hellfire, and everyone parked in this lot better make sure they have insurance to cover my explosion.

“You rat bastard! How in the hell can you say that to me with a straight face? If you don’t wantjustme, then you can go straight to hell and make sure you take the jackass who gave you this idea in the first place with you. Your nutsack is so damn lucky I’m not there to kick it so hard that it pops out of your mouth. And stop laughing at me—this is not funny, you dumbass. Oh, and you can take this useless piece of shit back. It obviously doesn’t mean anything.”

I stick my finger straight up at his dumb face, showing him the promise ring he gave me when we graduated three months ago. It’s located on the very convenient bird finger, since it was too big for the finger it was meant for.

“T, it means the same thing it did when I gave it to you.” He tries to peek around my finger through the screen. “I told you, I don’t want to do this unless you’re in it too.”

“What?”

“Open relationship. That doesn’t just mean that I go out and have fun. It means you do too.” He pauses while I take my hand out of the shot. “Iwantyou to have fun.”

“With other guys.”

“Yeah. But…keep your heart for me. I’m letting you keep mine.”

I’m so confused and emotional that a dizzy spell hits me, and I clutch the wall of the building before sliding down to the ground. “How…how long do you want to do this for?”

“Till we’re done with college.”

“Four years?”

“Give or take a few months.”

Four years. I stare back at Eli with who knows what the bloody hell expression on my face. It seems so ludicrous that it makes me want to just end it right here and now. I feel like this offer came from left field, and I wonder what else I’ve been so blind to lately.

“What if…what if I don’t want to?”

His shoulders lift up. “I imagine we’ll continue like we have been. But I might end up hurting you. You might end up hurting me. I don’t know when it’ll happen, but I think that it will. If we do it this way, then we still trust each other. We still keep our hearts safe.”

Safe? I don’t think my heart has ever felt less safe than it does right now.

“Can I…I mean…Eli, I still love—”

“You can think about it.” He smiles, and it’s the smile he uses when he’s being caring and unselfish. I know that smile, because I’ve seen it so many times before. But now I’m thinking that maybe it’s not so selfless after all.

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