Page 65 of Crazy About Love (All About Love)

So what does that make Eli? A soulmate, perhaps? If only I believed in that notion.

I wipe my palm on the carpet and switch ears with the phone. “I thought we should check in. This is our senior year.”

“Mm-hmm.”

I wait for more, but he doesn’t give me anything else. So I suppose I’ll go first.

“So, I’ve been having fun,” I say with an airy laugh. He echoes it, which makes me feel better about talking about this at least.

“Me too, T. Me too. Thank you for giving me that.”

Sayingyou’re welcomedoesn’t exactly sit right on my tongue, so I just keep going with my original intent. “But my heart…I mean, that’s still yours if you want it.”

The small moment of airiness in the conversation dies between us, my words beating it down with a spiked bat. I can feel the awkward tension oozing through the speaker, dripping down my chin, dropping onto my knees, eating me up and making me dumb. Eli clears his throat, and I just know he’s rubbing his chin or playing with his hair. I wonder if it’s even still long anymore or if he’s cut it. It’s been so long since I’ve looked at his profile pictures.

“T…,” he starts, and my voice comes back, surprising me with the sharp edge it takes.

“Don’t,” I say. “Don’t coddle me.”

A pause. “Okay.”

Now there’s silence. Aching silence that buzzes in my ears, making it not silent at all. I swallow hard, pushing back the intense and scary sting of yet another rejection. I refuse to let this one change me.

“Was I completely naive to think we’d be together after this?”

“No.” He sighs. “We still have a few more months, T.”

“Stop coddling,” I say again. Eli only calls me “T” when he’s trying to calm me down. I realize then that I hate it. I hate that nickname with every ounce of disdain I have in me. I don’t like how he tries to calm me down when I want to feel what I feel when I feel it. He makes me think that the emotions I have are unjustified. I used to think he was my anchor—he calmed the storm and kept me grounded by comforting me with fancy words that sounded logical. But maybe he just didn’t want to deal with my crazy.

Alec has never once made me feelstifled. When I’m mad, he lets me feel it. Then he’s always there when I come down.

The comparison knocks me off balance, and my head spins. I touch my hand to my forehead and try to crawl back into the conversation.

“Just be honest with me,” I tell Eli. “Are you saving your heart like you promised? Or was this a plan to let us slowly fade away?”

“My heart isn’t with anyone else,” he says. “But…I can’t say it’s yours anymore either.”

I let my hand drop back to my knee. “Are you capable of a straight answer?” I practically growl at him. “If you don’t say yes or no to the next question, I’m hanging up.Do you still want me?”

The pause is so long, I’m tempted to say the question again. Instead he gets to hear the grinding of my teeth.

“Maybe.”

I pull the phone away from my ear and slide the red button. Guess I should’ve told him I was going to hang up if the answer was anything but a solid yes.

—

A cruel sunbeam shines brightly through my eyelids, making me see orange before I’ve even opened my eyes. The events of last night swirl together in my pounding head, paint and laughter and…kissing. The kissing might’ve been all in my head, though.

With a low groan, I roll over, my brain taking longer to roll with me. The bedsheets feel too rough to be my eight-hundred-thread-count ones from Bed Bath & Beyond. Perks of being friends with the manager.

It takes more effort than it should to lift my heavy eyelids and greet the morning. When they finally budge and let me take in the room, I notice that my sheets have been saved by a couple of towels, one folded and resting under my head and the other spread out and wrinkled from my night of sleep.

I know for a fact that I’m not responsible enough sober, let alone wasted, to lay out a protective barrier. I most likely would’ve tried to wash off all the paint from my body in a hot shower and passed out in the tub. In a small moment of panic, I swing my arm back, half expecting Jace in the bed next to me. The last thing I remember is Liz pushing me down at a table across from him, asking him to make sure I got home okay. Jace and I had a conversation about marriage and how much we both hate it, and I’m pretty sure I propositioned him. He’s safe. He won’t take my heart and keep it for years and years only to tell me he doesn’t want it anymore. All I’d get from him is sex, and after Eli’s call, that sounded like a good fix.

The left side of the mattress is cold, empty, and unruffled. I breathe out a sigh of relief, but without the panicked distraction I’m back to feeling the relentless knocking in my skull. I’d promise myself never to drink again, but I know that I’d break it as soon as I saw a bottle of Riesling.

Other than my excessive refreshment, the engagement party seemed to be a success. Liz and Landon started a paint war that went on for a few hours; I was really only aware of half of it. Even Alec seemed to be having a good time, dancing with Jaycee and a few other girls. I was tempted to dance with him too, but didn’t want to push things. In my state I’m sure that if I got within ten feet of him, I would’ve jumped his bones in front of everybody. As much as I truly believe turning him away was the right thing to do, I can’t deny the physical responses I have in his presence.

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