Page 19 of The White Knight

“He is lonely. Had been alone for eight years. Since you cannot perform your wifely duties, I offered myself to him.”

“You better be fucking joking, Elaine.” Now unable to contain my anger, I turn away from her, disgusted by her presence.

“I apologize if I have offended you, Guinevere. I only wanted to help him.”

“Help him? Or help yourself? You’ve been in love with my husband for years. Since before I first arrived at Camelot. Now you take advantage of our situation and throw yourself at him at your first chance?”

“I do not think he is the same man you believe him to be. He was harsh, cruel. I think he enjoyed hurting me.”

“What did he do to—fuck, I don’t want to know! Get out. I don’t want to look at you anymore.”

“Guin—”

“Get out!” I thrash my arms out, knocking the brush from Elaine’s hand.

“Please—”

“I said get out!” I shout, feeling my throat go hoarse.

Elaine has the audacity to look hurt by my anger. Her little nose scrunches up as if she is about to cry. Before any tears fall from her face, she flies out of my bedroom.

The archbishop arrived at Camelot two months ago, and there is still no answer. Lance and I are living in limbo. Arthur and I are living in limbo. Married to both, but unable to be a couple with either. It is agony. To have the love of my life back after believing him dead for eight years and all I can give him is a hopeful smile and sometimes a kiss on the cheek as I bid him goodnight.

I haven’t slept with Arthur since Lance’s return. How can I? It wouldn’t be fair to Lance, Arthur, or me. I thought Lance would keep himself for me as I have been doing for him. He knows how much I love him, how much I want to be with him. Lance is all I ever think about. Something Elaine is fully aware of. Perhaps my open heart was too much for her to bear.

Alone in my room, I pace back and forth until my feet ache. I can’t breathe. The air is thick around me. I feel like the walls of this fantasy are caving in and I’m being sucked back to reality. A reality where a happy ending is impossible. Barging out of my room, I run down the quickest path to the gardens.

As I turn a corner, I run full-force into what feels like a brick wall. What little air I have inside my lungs is knocked out of me as the brick wall engulfs me. When I come to, bright green eyes are searching mine with concern. I push myself away from Lance, not wanting to be near him.

“Guin, are you—”

I turn away from him, needing more distance, desperate for air. Galahad comes up from behind Lancelot, calling to me. Turning back around, I flash a smile at my son. “Mama, will you come watch me practice with Sir Lancelot?”

“I…um I need to…” I can never deny my son what he wants. He is my pride and joy. Those pleading eyes are impossible to say no to. I push down my seething anger and take Galahad’s hand in mind. “Lead the way, my love.”

With all my strength, I keep myself calm, breathing in and out as I burrow everything Elaine told me deep inside my gut. Lance is not an idiot. He knows that I know, and he knows I am angry with him, which is why he remains silent.

As I sit on the bench watching my son and Sir Lancelot dance around each other with practice swords, I feel extremely nauseous. The anger I have buried is rolling around in my stomach, fighting its way back to the surface. Every second I look upon Lance makes it harder to contain. After a while, I can’t take any more of this agonizing anxiety and vomit my emotions onto the ground.

The servants around me rush to my side, offering me handkerchiefs, bread, and ale. I give them my thanks, telling them all I need is air and perhaps to stretch my legs. Making my way out of the huddle of worried faces, I come face-to-face with Lance again. This time I don’t give him a chance to touch me. I walk over to Galahad and apologize for interrupting his sword practice.

“That’s okay, mama. Are you sick?”

“No, I just need to stretch my legs and breathe some fresh air. You can continue practicing. I will see you tonight at dinner.”

After kissing Galahad’s forehead, I spin around, making haste for the stables. I need to get as far away from Lance as I can. He torments my mind just by loving him. Now all I feel is hate. The love that was taken from me and brought back to life has betrayed my heart.

Chapter 13

Guinevere

My horse is readiedquickly, in no time, I am galloping out of the castle walls and into the fresh country air. I slow my horse’s pace once I’m a safe distance away, seeking my favorite hiding spot in a small grove of trees. From here, I can see all of Camelot. A castle I can claim as queen.

“It is not safe for you to be outside the castle walls on your own, Guin.” Of course the White Knight of Camelot followed me.

“I wish to be alone.” The anger in my voice comes out unfiltered and filled with hate.

“Will you tell me what is the matter?” Lance’s sweet voice infuriates me even more. I cannot look at him or I will cave. I can’t hate him for long. I know that, and so does he. But dammit, I need this rage.

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