Page 32 of The White Knight

“To me? It means everything. To the people of our kingdom? You have been away for so long. I married Arthur. I became their queen. If you need someone to blame, blame me.”

“No. I would never. This is not your fault. I should never have left you.”

I place a finger on Lance’s lips, shushing his irrational mind. We both blame ourselves, but it is destiny that put us here. It’s destiny that has played with our hearts. Fuck destiny. I replace my finger with my lips, pressing hard in my passion, needing him to know how much I need him.

Two strong arms wrap around my waist, lifting me as Lance stands up. I wrap my legs around him, my body claiming its home again. He walks us to the bedroom, pushing me against the wall by the bed. His kisses are urgent, violent in a way. I welcome the violence. I need to feel him everywhere.

Squeezing him closer, I open my mouth, letting his tongue enter the once-familiar place. Our tongues come together, reuniting, tasting each other. Garlic, cheese, and a bitter taste of ale. I want more. I want to consume all of it.

Lance freezes, placing me back down on the ground. His arms still wrapped around me, a hand caressing the base of my skull, lightly grasping my hair. He steps away, pushes open a hidden door to my chambers on the other side, and says, “Goodnight, Guin.”

I look away from him, seeing the pain of his desire for me take hold. He has strength enough for both of us, but I want him to be weak like me. “Please, Guin. Leave now before I do something we will both regret.”

The struggle in his voice pierces me. I turn and walk through the stone wall.

Chapter 20

Guinevere

“What did I miss?”Arthur asks as he takes a seat at the head table for dinner after arriving from Avalon.

“Pizza!” Galahad shouted.

“Oh, yes. I have heard of this pizza. We have not had this dish at Camelot yet. I would love to try some while I am here this time.”

“Of course, your Highness,” Lance says with a forced smile. He avoided me all day, anxiously awaiting Arthur’s arrival. I shouldn’t have thrown myself at him. It’s only made the awkwardness between us more palpable. I hate it. Lance won’t even look at me.

I stand up, feeling sick suddenly, unable to play this part anymore. “Please excuse me. I am not feeling well. I’m going up to my room.”

“Do you want me to ask Faina to bring up your supper?” Lance asks in a monotone voice, staring down at his plate.

“No, I’m not hungry. Had too much for lunch, I think.”

“If you are feeling better later, I would like the three of us to meet, perhaps in Lance’s private rooms.” Arthur looks at me with concern. “There is something I wish to discuss.”

“Sure. Just let me know when you are done with supper.”

I feel exhausted, defeated, empty, hollow. Hanging my head, I ignore all the other looks of concern and float up to my room—the room Lance had given me in his private apartments. We slept so close to each other last night but I felt so far away from him. I fucked up. I know I fucked up. I shouldn’t have kissed him; now we are suffering more than before. I should have just stayed away in Camelot.

Storming through my bedroom door, I throw myself down on the bed. Was this how my mom felt? Every summer, we would stay at Eden Manor. Mom and Ed were polite to each other, friendly even. But I noticed the side glances, the love in their eyes. Though Ed had married someone else, he still had eyes only for my mother. And she for him. There was never anyone else in her life. If there was, mom kept that well hidden from me.

It must have been painful to be so near Ed but unable to touch him. Then again, they were having an affair. At least that’s what Leo alluded to while we were driving to my mom’s cottage by the sea. A place I never arrived. I never got the chance to ask my dad about their relationship. Perhaps their affair made things too complicated, and that’s why my mom didn’t want to return to Eden Manor that summer.

If that was the truth, she was right to want to stay away. I should have stayed far from Joyous Gard. It is not my home anymore. Camelot is my home. I need to accept my fate, the path I chose for myself.

A loud knock on my door wakes me from a dreamless sleep. “Guinevere, are you all right?”

Arthur. His concern for me slices through my heart. He really cares for me. Galahad and I mean everything to him. It’s not fair of me to mope around like a wounded animal when I have such a wonderful, sweet husband. I need to release Lance from my love. That’s the right thing to do. It’s what I should have done months ago.

“Yes. I’m fine. I just needed some sleep. I’ll be right out.”

Taking a deep breath, I gather my courage and pull myself out of bed. As I walk toward the door, I try to think of what I am going to say. How to form these words out loud when I can’t even conjure them in my mind. I open the door to Lance and Arthur in a drunken embrace.

“Ah, there you are, my dear wife. We have missed you.” Arthur’s concern slurs on his tongue.

“You are drunk. The both of you,” I accuse, hands on my hips.

“Yes. Yes, we are. Would you like to join us?” Arthur asks.

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