Page 36 of The White Enchantress

Guinevere might have been betrothed before, but she ran from her marriage, following her own path. I am desperate to be part of that path, to be part of her life. But does she want me in hers?

At times I think so. The way she looks at me, searching, needing something from me. Other times her gaze feels distant, as if she is not looking at me but through me, to another place. One whereher Josh is still alive. I envy this man. Not even knowing who he was. For he had won the heart of a woman unlike anyone I have known. A strange, beautiful woman.

I love her. What else can it be? Still, my thoughts keep drifting back to what my mother had told me before leaving Avalon with Guinevere. To be certain of my love for her before I act upon it. Vivienne left soon after Guinevere’s speech, needing to return to Avalon. I did not have the chance to say goodbye nor confide in her the whirlwind of agony I feel at the thought of losing Guinevere. And how much my mind and body need her.

I would heed my mother’s advice and marry Guinevere before I give into temptation. I have defeated great knights, fought giants alongside Arthur, even killed a dragon. I can undoubtedly conquer my own desires. After all, I have spent many nights alone with Guinevere, lying under the stars. I was tempted then and most certainly would be enticed again.

As I step out into the courtyard for some fresh air, I see Guinevere sitting on a bench, speaking with Merlin. Though I want nothing more than to be in her presence, I am not yet ready to face her, even knowing that I can freely court her now. I turn abruptly on my heels, colliding with Gawain.

“Whoa there, Lancelot. You nearly knocked my head clean off with yours.”

Guinevere turns toward the commotion Gawain made at our clashing of heads. She smiles at me, her face bright as the sun, warming my heart. I cannot help but smile back, giving her a wave.My attention is brought back to Gawain as he says, “Ahhh, that is the reason why you changed course so suddenly. Why were you running from the lady?”

Gawain looks at me suspiciously. “Did something occur between the two of you on the road?”

“No, of course not. And be wary of what you say in such a public place,” I whisper harshly.

“I apologize. You are very tense, Lancelot. Do not worry. There is no one around to hear what I said.”

“There is always someone listening, as you well know.”

“Hmm. Let us speak somewhere more privately then. I want to know all about Guinevere and what occurred yesterday. My travels were delayed, and I only just arrived at Camelot this morning.”

We step back inside and I follow Gawain up to his quarters. Being the first cousin of King Arthur has its benefits. He has a spacious room all to himself, tucked away in the quieter wing of the keep, close to where Arthur and Guinevere’s rooms are.Had Arthur planned to wed Guinevere before we arrived?Why else would he have arranged to have her chambers so close to the royal apartments? I shake my head at that last thought. Arthur has all but given her to me.

Gawain ushers me inside, gesturing for me to sit on the bench near the fireplace. He sits next to me as I recount the events of the previous day, listening with awe and shock. “Hearing it from you, I still do not believe it. But tell me about Guinevere. She is beautiful, of course. What do you know of her?”

“Her father was a Roman noble and her mother, a Pict.”

“No!”

“Yes. They are both dead now. Guinevere was to be wed to a man she did not want to be with, so she ran. A friend of hers helped her escape. A man she has confessed to loving. I can tell she misses him greatly. He, too, is gone from her life. She has nobody. I do not know what happened to him, how he died, or how long ago all this had happened before she stumbled into the lake. But she is a strong, courageous, caring woman. I think that is why Excalibur chose her. And, Gawain, she has the voice of an angel. When she sings…hmm… never mind.” I am getting carried away talking of Guinevere. With Arthur, I held my tongue and kept my deepest feelings hidden though that did not stop him from seeing a glimmer of my love for her.

“Please, do go on.”

“Hmpf…you get the idea.”

“So you truly are in love with the lady then?”

“Why is everyone asking me this question?”

“Because it is obvious that you are.”

“It is difficult to remove her from my mind. Gawain, please do not speak of this to anyone else. I do not want the entire kingdom to know how I feel.”

“Lancelot, I only just arrived this morning. Everyone is already gossiping about your feelings. Guinevere is a bit harder to read, I hear. Has she given you any hints that your feelings are reciprocated?”

“Am I that transparent? I thought I was hiding it well enough.”

“I will be honest. I am shocked to see you in such a state. Lancelot, breaker of hearts. I never thought I would see you in love. And you did not answer my last question. Is Lady Guinevere in love with you?”

“Can we please change the subject of our conversation? Tell me about your quest.”

“Is that the scar there?” Guinevere asks Gawain as he finishes retelling his story about facing the Green Knight. I still have not found the courage to speak with her privately about what Arthur and I discussed. In fact, I have not spoken to her at all for the past two days.

When she took her place next to me in the dining hall, she whispered something about how I had been avoiding her. Her comment reminded me of that dream I had of her before leaving Avalon. I shook my head, removing the image of her naked body and attempted to explain myself. But Gawain interrupted me, delighted at the chance to meet my lady. At the time, I was glad for the interruption. Though my heart was filled with a happiness I had never known just by her mere presence, my mind was blank.

“Yes, it is still healing, as the encounter occurred less than a fortnight ago,” Gawain answers.

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