Page 49 of The White Enchantress

Guinevere has transformed my lonely heart and sinful soul. With her, I am loved, I am light. I cannot go back to not loving her. My life would be meaningless without her in it.

We have not spoken much about our feelings, but we do not need to. I know she loves me as I do her. However, I am uncertain of what will happen next. She could still choose King Arthur if he offers his hand. Knowing that she is a powerful weapon, holding not only Excalibur inside her but the spirit of a warrior elf - for an elf is what she looked like in the bright white orb of light - Arthur might not care about my heart any longer.

Though Arthur is a kind man, he is a king. He loves his people more than anything. And power is what he needs to protect his people. He needs more than just his knights to stand beside him, to rally with him in battle against his enemies. Guinevere is that power. Melwas saw it too. Even Gawain knows Guinevere’s worth.

I walk back to the lake after seeing Guinivere safely in my mother’s care, pulling the rope on the ferry to reach the other side. Gawain and Gaheris have already set up a little camp on the opposite shore. Strangers are seldom welcome at Avalon, especially men. For most of the younger priestesses on the island, I am the only man they have seen since childhood.

Gawain and I have barely spoken to each other since our conversation regarding my affection for Guinevere. It had been a tiresome three-day journey to Avalon. Any longer, and I would have killed Gawain for the looks of disgust he has been giving me every hour of the day and night.

If it were not for Guinevere growing ill, he might have done more than glare. Gawain is a pious man like Arthur. As a young knight of fifteen, it was easy to let lust win over my heart. Gawain took me under his wing. He showed me what it meant to be a knight of Arthur’s kingdom. Men like us are held to higher standards, looked upon as moral icons. If I wanted to be a true knight, I needed to show restraint. I did not take him seriously at first. I was young, naive, and weak. Knowing I had disappointed him again should make me feel miserable inside. But I only feel anger toward him.

I do not understand how he cannot see why my actions were honorable. Perhaps he would not have done as I did in the same situation. He has never known love like this, at least not to my knowledge. How can one deny their own heart love? I will make him proud of me again and clear up this vexation between us, but not at the cost of Guinevere’s love. Her love is made for me and no one else. If anyone tries to take it, I will cut them down. Arthur included.

As I approach Gawain, sitting with his back to the lake, I clear my throat to announce my presence. “I know you are there, Lancelot.”

“Vivienne has taken Guinevere in. The wound poisoned her blood. This is something that my mother can heal though. We were lucky to get here as quickly as we did. The gods were on our side.”

“It was God who helped us in our journey,” Gawain retorts, keeping his face to the fire.

“Hmm, are they not the same?”

“Lancelot, I know we are of different minds. That being said, we have always gotten along quite well though. My heart is having a difficult time forgiving you for what you have done to Guinevere. I know you love her and I can only assume she feels the same for you. But there is more at stake here than love, Lancelot. I wish you would see that.”

“Why can it not be as simple as love?”

Gawain’s face softens. But his eyes remain stern, focused on the mission ahead. “Gaheris and I will remain here until the lady has recovered. Then we will escort her back to Camelot,” Gawain states, ignoring my question.

“And if she does not wish to go?” I counter.

“You mean if she accepts your proposal?”

“Even if she does not and wishes to remain in Avalon, what will you do?”

“Why would she want to remain here when she has pledged herself to Arthur?” Gawain might know Guinevere’s story, but he does not understand her as I do.

“She never wanted to leave Avalon in the first place. My mother convinced her to go. If she had stayed, none of this would have happened to her. I know she will be a loyal ally to Arthur, no matter where she is or who she marries. Arthur knows that as well.”

“But does the kingdom know this?”

“They will if they only give her a chance.”

“We will await her answer then.”

I storm off, my anger at Gawain only boiling hotter. He acts this way because he believes I have taken away her virtue. A week ago, he did not have any issues with my feelings for Guinevere. They were only feelings at the time, yes. But now that I have acted on those feelings, Gawain has turned on me. I thought I could rely on my friend, even knowing how meaningful virtues are to him.

For the past few years, I have proven to Gawain that I am no longer the carefree, lustful youth I had been when I first arrived at Camelot. With Gawain’s guidance, I have become one of Arthur’s most trusted knights. I feel confident I will still be after Gawain returns to tell Arthur about Guinevere and me. I know Arthur will bless our marriage.

As I make my way through the main compound, Morgana calls me over to her in the garden to inform me that Guinevere’s fever has broken. I feel a wave of relief and nearly fall to the ground as my muscles relax.

“Are you feeling well?” Morgana asks, seeing my knees weaken.

“Yes. I am in perfect health. I had been worrying about Guinevere, that is all. Can I see her?”

“She is bathing to keep the fever down. I will fetch you when she is ready to receive visitors.”

“I need to see her.”

“I promise to find you as soon–”

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