Page 64 of The White Enchantress

And there he is. The man who is quite possibly the love of my life. The man I would love until my dying breath. The man I will never get my happy ending with. A happy ending is just not in the books for me it seems.

Opening my photo app, I scroll to the video I had taken of Lance the night before he left. He is so confident. There is no doubt in his heart. He knows he will return.

As I watch the video of him swearing at the screen of my phone, in disbelief that it was anything but magic, I am overcome with a wave of agony so strong. Bending over the bed, I vomit again. Howthere is anything left inside of me is anyone’s guess. I haven’t yet eaten today, but I’m not hungry at all. And I don’t want to see a single human face if it isn’t Lance’s.

After the sun goes down, I hear a knock on the door. I don’t answer. I don’t even budge. The door is bolted, so I know I will be left alone, as I had wished to be. Faina’s voice comes through loud and clear, urging me to open the door so that she can serve me supper.

She knows I’m pregnant. Without saying the words aloud, I can tell by the urgency in her voice. I ignore her. Putting headphones in my ears, I fall asleep listening to Lance’s voice, telling me he loves me. That he would be back no later than two months. And when he returns, I would have happy news for him.

Lance was right about one thing. But the happy news no longer brings me joy. The embryo inside me would grow up without its father. At the moment, I am not sure if it will grow up at all. I have no desire to keep living.

Everyone I have ever loved has been ripped away from me. My mom, my dad, Josh and now Lance. There is no more love inside of me. How could I live knowing I could never love again? That I would be unable to show my child the love it deserves. And worse of all, knowing my child will be taken from me just as all my other loved ones have. It’s inevitable. It’s my destiny. To live a lonely, loveless life.

The following morning, I wake up to a growling stomach. On top of the pain of a ravaged heart, the hunger I feel makes it difficult to move. Even if I want to answer the door, I can’t. My body won’t let me.

I hear the constant shuffling of feet going back and forth outside my bedroom door. Voices muffled, voices yelling, filled with anxiety at my well-being. I answer none of them. I will lie here until I wither away into nothing. Excalibur tries to shine her light, perhaps in an attempt to take over my body again. My misery wins out.

But there is one other who persists, who won’t let me give up. Arthur gives one warning before smashing his way into my room. Still, my body doesn’t react. With my phone clutched in my right hand, I lay on my side, my legs curled up into my chest. Unmoved by the sudden appearance of Arthur at my deathbed.

I didn’t even bother to hide my phone from view. Arthur sits down gently, grasping my other hand in his. “My lady, you must eat something. You need your strength. Your baby needs strength.”

Silence is all I give Arthur. I won’t let him hear the fear in my voice or the sadness in my eyes.

“Guinevere, please. I know the pain you are feeling inside. I understand how difficult it is to accept that Lancelot is gone. Whenmy wife passed away suddenly, I was lost. We were barely married a year when I had thought we would have a lifetime together.”

I attempt to hide my shock at learning that Arthur had been married. But my eyes can’t help but look into his, glistening with unshed tears. I look away quickly not wanting to lose myself in a fit of grief. But he has seen me. He knows I am listening.

“The child you carry is Lancelot’s. He or she will be his legacy. You need your strength for your baby, for Lancelot. I know how easy it is to give up. You are stronger than that. It is why Lancelot loved you as he did. Because you are a fighter. A woman of such strength in mind and heart cannot give up. Your child is the last part of Lancelot that is alive. We will always keep him alive in our memories. But with your child, we will keep him alive, always.”

Tears gush from my eyes, sending waves of agony through my body. I am so tired and weak that I let Arthur pull me to him. He embraces me so tightly that I can barely feel his own shockwaves of grief. We hold each other for some time before Faina interrupts us.

“I apologize, your highness. But, if the lady is well enough, she should eat.”

“Yes, of course. Please bring her plate in. I will see that she eats it all.”

“Thank you, my king.”

When Faina returns, she doesn’t just bring one plate of food, but several. One of the plates has a pizza, the same one we had made together when I introduced her to the dish. I smile at her. An actI thought impossible just a few minutes ago. Maybe I will be all right. I still have people in my life who care about me. And I have Lance’s baby. Arthur is right. This child needs to live. I say a silent promise to be the best mother, to love this child with whatever is left of my heart, nothing less. My love, my life, my light.

Chapter 30

Guinevere

With a full bellyand a restful night, reason wins the fight. Though I lost my husband, my lover, my friend, I am carrying a piece of him inside me. It was selfish of me to want to give up when I am the only one who can keep Lancelot alive with our child.

The castle is quiet and somber now. Everyone knows of their lord’s demise. A lord they loved and respected. I haven’t even thought about what will happen to them with Lancelot gone. Am I now their lord and lady? Or because I am a mere woman, would this castle be taken away from me?

Now that I am seeing clearly, panic and anxiety are beginning to seep through, threatening to drown me back in misery. I will defeat it. All of these weaknesses.For my wee one. I think of my mother, raising me all on her own for years. She had financial help from Uncle Aldon. But it was her strength and gumption that made me the woman I am today. I want to make her proud. And though I would give anything for another day with Lancelot, I will do the same to give my child everything my mother gave to me.

As I enter the dining hall, the muted whispers turn into a deafening silence. I nod to my people as I pass them by, acknowledging their grief as I share mine. Arthur sits at the head table, staring down at a bowl of porridge. He sits to the left of Lancelot’s seat, a sign of respect. For even though he is a king, this is Lancelot’s castle. He truly cared for Lance; I can see it in the way he grieves. I hadn’t paid close attention the day before as I was too caught up in my own grief and anger. Before taking my usual seat, I place a hand on Arthur’s shoulder, giving it a little squeeze.

We remain in comfortable silence until the both of us finish our meal. Then he pushes a plate of sliced apples in front of me, telling me to eat a bit more. I am still feeling hungry, so I don’t put up a fight.

In silence, we walk out into the courtyard and down to the beach. No words are spoken until we reach the edge of the shore, the water teasing our feet. “What was that…object? The one that had a shining image of Lancelot painted upon it.”

I can’t help but smile. At least Arthur didn’t accuse me of witchcraft. “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me. Lancelot knew everything. And he wasn’t afraid when I told him. You? I don’t know how you would take the truth. But I’ll tell you this; I’m not from here. That object is called a cellphone. Where I’m from, it’s used as a form of communication. But here, I can’t use it in that way. I use it now to capture images and look at the pictures of the people I love and will never see again. I don’t think I’m ready to tell you more than that. I’m not sure you are ready, actually.”

“I will be ready to hear of it all whenever you wish to tell me, Guinevere.” Arthur turns his head to the water, watching the sun rise higher in the sky. After a moment of silence, he asks, “Did Lancelot know your secrets when he came to Camelot?”

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