Page 67 of Once Upon an Apocalypse

“What about helping him in the way he needs?”

“I’m trying. Or are you saying I’m being too overbearing or not overbearing enough?”

“I didn’t say any such thing. But if that’s the thought that comes to mind, perhaps you’re thinking too much.”

I take another sip of the tea, which is still hot to the touch. Talking to my mom is making some gears turn in my head. There is a gear that keeps getting stuck on not understanding why Amos would be so cold and distant toward me. Was I being overbearing? I don’t think so. Maybe. I was only trying to help. Taking care of him. Isn’t that what couples do for each other?

“Can I spend the morning here, mom?” I ask, deciding it would be best to maintain my distance if that’s what Amos needs right now.

“Don’t you have training now?”

“Yes, but I just don’t feel like going today. Is that okay?”

My mom smiles, saying, “Absolutely. I’ll write you a sick note.”

I spend all morning assisting my mom in the health center, cleaning minor cuts and scrapes, mopping up vomit, and even helping Norman put together a new machine the scouting patrol found last week. When I ask him what it is, he only shrugs. I’m so emotionally capped I don’t bother pestering him for answers. Honestly, I just don’t care.

By the afternoon, I’m starving, so I say farewell to my mom, kissing her on the cheek, and make my way back to the part of campus where it is thrumming with life. Kids are out in the quad playing tag and kicking a soccer ball around. As I walk by the gazebo next to the cafeteria building, I spot a young couple making out under its shade. My heart aches, missing Amos, missing his kisses as if I’ve had them my whole life.

My feet turn on their own, sprinting back over the bridge and into the sports center. I run down the long hallway until I reach the gym. The unit I usually train with in the mornings is nowhere in sight, which makes sense because it’s lunchtime. Kyle is still there though, cleaning up the equipment.

“Is Amos around?” I ask sheepishly.

“Yeah, I think he’s in his office.” Kyle barely looks up at me as if I’ve got some affliction that makes everyone want to forget my existence.

“Got it.” I grunt at the dismissal.

Instead of going straight out of the gym like I usually do, I turn left, heading down a smaller hallway. The hallway ends with two choices. Stairs going up or an entrance into the basketball court. I choose the stairs. The offices up here all have glass walls, making it easy to see if any are occupied. When I spot Amos sitting on the edge of his desk, my heart skips a beat.

How does this man affect me so much? I’m supposed to be mad at him and yet I just want to hold him in my arms.Wait, am I supposed to be mad at him?Remembering what my mom said, I try to see through Amos’ eyes, feel what he’s feeling. The anxiety of living in a dangerous world with only one arm. The fear of not being able to protect…me?

Taking a deep breath, I step into his office, tapping on the door to let him know I’m here. The sound startles him, but when he turns around, the surprise on his face melts into something I can only describe as depressing. He’s not happy to see me. He doesn’t want me here. I need to know why.

“Can I come in?” I ask politely.

“Seems like you already are.” Amos turns his attention back to the wall where a large map hangs. Pins hold up strings, making some sort of route or pattern. I didn’t come in here to look at a map though.

“What’s wrong, Amos?”

“Not now, Lori.” He dismisses me so quickly, his tone already getting aggressive.

“Yes now. I told you I wouldn’t let you push me away. So stop and tell me what’s wrong.”

“Lori, please.”

I walk around the desk, placing my body in between him and the map. “If I’ve done something wrong, I need to know.”

Amos doesn’t answer, only shakes his head, keeping his gaze away from mine. But I can see it. See him struggle to keep his face clear of emotion. See him shake away the tears that threaten to weaken his stubbornness. And I swear I can hear his heart pounding against his chest.

“I’m sorry if I’ve been too overbearing or not helping enough. If I’ve made you feel any less than you are. I want to take care of you. I want to be there for you. But if you need me to take a step back, I will. Just don’t push me out.” Still more silence. “Amos.”

“I’m sorry I put us in this situation. I’ll speak to Anna and have our things moved back to our separate rooms. We should have never moved in together. We barely know each other. Anna only approved our application because of our—my—circumstances. She felt bad for me and saw how much you cared.”

“If you are going to lie to me, then look me in the eyes when you do it.”

Amos lifts those beautiful golden eyes, piercing me with his gaze. He can’t lie to me, not when I can see how his eyes are filled with sorrow. His mouth quivers as he attempts his lie again. But something shifts in his demeanor, his eyes glowing with a dark shimmer of rage.

“Is this what you wanted to see, Lori? The shadow of the man you loved. This weak shell of a person who can’t even lift a fucking box on his own. I’m useless. I can’t protect you. I can’t provide for you. I can’t even pleasure you properly. Useless. Worthless. Piece of shit.”

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