Page 2 of The Mistake

‘What a small world,’ he’d said. ‘I couldn’t believe it when her name popped up in my inbox, but I suppose it was always going to happen. I’m surprised we haven’t run into her before. After all, I don’t think she ever left West Marsham.’

Natalie had nodded and murmured her surprise, but Pete had picked up on her anxiety.

‘You’re not worried, are you? God, that was years ago, we were kids when we went out.’ He’d pulled her into a hug, resting his chin on her hair. ‘She’s probably all fat and wrinkly now, and anyway I only have eyes for you.’

Natalie had laughed, knowing she was being silly. This was Pete, after all. Faithful as a Labrador, was Pete.

‘Well, if it’s not Pete, then what is it?’ Eve asks. ‘You seem out of sorts, and it’s not just tiredness. And sparkling water? You always have a glass of red, no matter what kind of day you’rehaving.’

Natalie says nothing for a moment, tugging her hand away from Eve’s and sipping at her water. It has a flat, mineral taste despite the bubbles, and her stomach rolls again.

‘Natalie? Come on. I’ve known you for sixteen years, I know when something’s up. I’ve lived through baby vaccination worries and mortgage trouble with you.’ Eve pauses, a smile tugging at her lips. ‘I was even there when that woman in the threading place over-plucked your eyebrows so badly we thought it was 1997 again.’

At this, Natalie would usually have roared with laughter (despite the fact that the eyebrow thing was averypainful memory) but when she raises her eyes to Eve’s, Natalie has to struggle not to blink, afraid that if she does, a fat tear will slide its way down her cheek. ‘I’m pregnant.’

‘Pregnant?’ Eve presses her hands to her mouth, her eyes wide. ‘Oh, Nat, this is wonderful news. How far along are you?’

‘Nine weeks.’ The memory of cold porcelain against her cheek this morning as she threw up her morning cup of tea rises in Natalie’s mind and she has to swallow hard.

‘Will you be OK to eat the cheese? I think it’s all right if it’s piping hot.’ Eve frowns. ‘What did Pete say when you told him? Did you do the whole Instagram-worthy baby sleepsuit layout thing? Or did you dress Zadie in an “I’m the big sister” T-shirt? Do people actually do that?’ Eve takes a mouthful of wine as Natalie doesn’t reply. ‘Wait. WhatdidPete say? This is good news, isn’t it?’

Natalie lifts her shoulders in a tiny shrug, reaching for the napkin Eve has set out. She wishes it was paper, so she could shred it and make use of the nervous energy that ricochets aroundher body, but it’s cloth, so she settles for folding and refolding it. ‘I haven’t told him yet.’

‘What? Why not?’ Eve gently removes the napkin and takes hold of Natalie’s hands again. ‘You guys are rock-solid – sickeningly so, in my opinion. And you already have two beautiful kids … a third one would be the icing on the cake.’

‘It’s not that simple,’ Natalie says. ‘Zadie is eight years old – she’s going to secondary school in a couple of years. Emily is about to leave for university. I don’t know if this is the right time.’

‘The right time? I remember you saying that when you got pregnant with Zadie. And I’m pretty sure you probably said it about Emily as well.’

Natalie winces a little. She vividly remembers the day she locked herself in the bathroom of the tiny flat she shared with two others, her heart thumping as two pink lines showed themselves in startling clarity, signalling the arrival of Emily. She’d been in her final year at university, as had Pete, both of them just a few months out from final exams. Pete had been thrilled, Natalie’s parents not so. In fact, they were so not thrilled that Natalie has barely spoken to them since, and Emily has only met them once. Zadie, not at all. Not that Natalie is devastated by this. Growing up with an overbearing father and a mother who could only get through life by self-medicating, lurching from one imagined crisis to another, means that Natalie had almost felt relieved when they cut her off. Relieved that she wouldn’t have to protect Emily from the same shit she experienced growing up.

It had been slightly easier with Zadie. Natalie and Eve had been good friends –bestfriends – for almost eight years by then. Eve’s parents had died when she was in her twenties, so she understood that untethered feeling Natalie had whenever she thought about her mother, and neither of them had any siblings. When Natalie had told Eve she was pregnant with Zadie, Eve had filled the gap left by Natalie’s mother, offering moral support,the connection between them moving from friendship to sisterly, if not quite maternal.

‘Eve, I’m forty next month. The girls are growing up. It’s been eight years since I’ve had to go through antenatal appointments, dirty nappies and sleepless nights. I’m not sure I’d be able to cope.’

‘That part doesn’t last forever, though, does it?’ Eve gives Natalie a gentle smile, as she dunks a piece of bread into the cheese. ‘Look at Zadie now – proper little comic, isn’t she? She has us in stitches. And Emily. You must be so proud of her, going off to the next stage in her life. The world is her oyster.’

‘Exactly. How are they going to react to having a new baby in the house? Having to share my and Pete’s attention? What if Emily thinks I’m replacing her?’ Natalie sighs, pushing her plate away. There is something too big in her gut that crushes her appetite, and it’s nothing to do with the tiny bundle of cells in her belly. ‘I’m just not sure, Eve. I don’t know if I can go through it all again.’

Eve tops up her wine glass, even though Natalie had barely noticed her empty it the first time. ‘You can’t be thinking of …’

Natalie blinks, her eyes stinging. ‘I don’t know, Eve. I don’t know what to do. Part of me loves the idea of a little baby. But the other part of me … Ilikewhere I am now. I like our life. To go back to the beginning would be … I don’t know. Part of me thinks it would be …’ Natalie swallows, the words sharp and angular in her throat. ‘It would be easier to just … terminate.’

‘Natalie, there’s nothingeasyabout a termination.’

‘I’m not saying that literally,’ Natalie replies quickly. ‘I’m just saying … having a baby is a massive adjustment. I have to make sure it’s the right decision. And millions of women have terminations every day—’

‘That doesn’t mean it’s the easy way out.’ Eve’s tone is sharp. Her eyes glitter, and Natalie realises she looks as though she might cry. ‘There’s a huge knock-on effect emotionally for womenwho have had a termination. It’s not as simple as getting rid of it and never thinking about it again.’

‘Eve? I didn’t mean it like that.’ The atmosphere has changed between them in a way Natalie can’t put her finger on. ‘And I never meant to upset you, I’m just … I don’t know, I’m all over the place.’ Eve sniffs, as a tear slides down one cheek. ‘Oh, Eve, please don’t cry.’

‘I’m sorry. I know this is a difficult time for you, and I …’ Eve hiccups as a sob escapes her throat.

‘What is it?’ Natalie asks gently, pulling Eve’s hands into her. ‘You can tell me.’

‘OK.’ Eve draws in a shaky breath, and nods. ‘OK. Sorry, this is so difficult.’ She pauses, almost visibly pulling herself together. ‘You know I can’t have children.’ She says it bluntly but Natalie knows the words cut her. ‘I never told you why.’ There is a pause where Natalie feels her breath stick in her throat, and then Eve continues, her voice hoarse, as if she has to force the words out. ‘Oh God, I haven’t spoken about this for years. I had an abortion.’

‘Oh, Eve.’

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