Page 23 of The Mistake

‘Good.’

The doctor peers at the screen. ‘So, you’re here for a post-natal check-up, correct? You’ve had some issues with depression, and I can see you’ve been prescribed diazepam previously.’

Natalie nods. ‘That’s right.’

‘And how are you feeling?’ Dr Crawford gives Natalie a gentle smile, and Natalie wishes this was the doctor she’d seen when she found out she was pregnant.

‘OK.’ Natalie’s eyes fill with unexpected tears, and she blinks rapidly. ‘I’m very tired,’ she whispers. ‘All the time. The baby doesn’t sleep much, and my husband works long hours.’

‘Do you have support in place?’

‘My eldest daughter helps out a bit, when she can.’ Natalie blinks again, her mouth dry. She doesn’t want to tell the doctor that Emily seems to hate her, that Zadie is in awful trouble at school, that generally, things feel as if they are falling apart, and she is a massive failure.

‘How are your energy levels?’

‘Low. But it’s just because I’m tired. I’ll be OK when the baby starts sleeping.’ Natalie offers up a watery smile. She doesn’t even have the energy to wash her hair most days. ‘My friend helps me out a lot. She takes the baby when I don’t feel great, she’s actually looking after her now.’

‘Well, that’s good.’ The doctor smiles. ‘It sounds like you have a good support system in her, and that’s what you need right now. And you’re taking the pills prescribed to you? How do you feel now you’re taking them?’

‘Fine. Better.’ The lie tastes as bitter on Natalie’s tongue as she presumes the pills would if she had actually taken any. As it is, she hasn’t yet. She feels as if by taking them she would be admitting that she can’t cope, that she really is a complete and utter failure and yet, there’s a part of her that needs the security they offer from their little white box in the bathroom cabinet. If she needs them, they are there. She wonders briefly if that’s how her mother felt at first. If there’s anything Nataliedoesn’twant to be, it’s like her mother.

‘Great. Well, I’ll write you a new prescription and we’ll chat again in a few weeks. And keep making use of that friend of yours – she sounds like a godsend.’

She sounds like a godsend. The words ring in Natalie’s ears as she takes her new prescription and exits the consulting room to see said godsend dandling Erin on her knee as the receptionist leans over, cooing in the baby’s face, and Eve presses a kiss to the top of Erin’s head.

‘… your mummy.’ Natalie catches the last fragment of the receptionist’s words as the woman straightens, and Eve looks up at Natalie with a smile.

‘Here she is!’ She turns Erin in her lap towards Natalie, but Erin looks away, more interested in Eve’s bracelets.

‘I was just saying to your friend here what a good baby she is,’ the receptionist says, with a smile.

‘And I was just saying she’s always good, aren’t you, little one?’ Eve laughs as Erin’s fingers wind around a strand of her hair.

Natalie eyes Eve, watching closely as she patiently untangles her hair, then fusses with Erin’s cardigan before placing her back in her pushchair, tucking a blanket over her little legs.What is Eve implying? That Erin behaves better for her than she does for me?There is a burning sensation in Natalie’s chest, a wave of acid that makes it hard to swallow, and she nudges Eve out of the way and takes the handles of the pushchair, wheeling Erin out into the sunshine.

‘What did the doctor say?’ Eve asks, her brow furrowed in concern. ‘Did she give you another prescription?’

‘Yes. I’ll fill it later.’ Natalie hasn’t admitted to Eve that she isn’t taking the pills. ‘She just asked how I was feeling, and I told her. Tired, stressed and like an old bag lady.’ Natalie takes one hand off the pushchair to gesture at her faded leggings.

‘I’ve told you before, Nat, all new mums feel this way to some extent,’ Eve says gently. ‘You’re too hard on yourself. You know I’m always happy to help out if things get too much.’

Ahh, yes. Eve, the godsend. Natalie flinches at the memory of the doctor’s words. Even the doctor thinks that Eve is more capablethan Natalie.Good old Eve, always ready to step in and stop Erin from crying.

‘Why don’t I take Erin for a day soon, and you could go and get your highlights done? Maybe do some shopping?’

Natalie starts to shake her head, but pauses. ‘Did I tell you I saw Vanessa?’

‘What?’

‘Vanessa. Pete’s ex, the one he’s working with. She came to our house to give him some files. She’s not how I thought she would look, to be honest.’

Eve’s mouth opens as if she wants to say something, before she closes it abruptly, as Erin lets out a yelp and then a burp. ‘Wait, Nat. She’s been sick.’ Eve is reaching in and rummaging in the changing bag for wipes before Natalie even has a chance to think about it. ‘Maybe Pete needs to step up to the plate a bit more. Spend a bit more time at home than at work, if that’s even where he is.’

‘What?’ One minute they were talking about highlights; now Eve has once again decided to go in on Pete, and Natalie doesn’t appreciate her tone.

‘He’s got kids, for God’s sake, it’s about time he started acting like it. Jesus, Nat.’ Eve stands, moving to the bin on the edge of the footpath to throw away the dirty wipes. ‘He’s never at home – you’re left coping with everything, exhausting yourself to the point that you need medication to get through the day while Pete’s out there living his best life. It’s not on. Sometimes I think you might as well be on your own.’

Natalie can feel her jaw drop. She knows Pete hasn’t been around much, but Eve surely has to understand that he’s working all the hours God sends to provide for her and the kids. ‘He’s got a job to do, Eve. If Pete doesn’t work, then who pays the bills? He’s been coming home on time the last couple of weeks, actually. And he does more than you know – he does a lot whenhe is around.’ Not strictly true, but despite the animosity she’s felt towards Pete lately, Natalie still feels the urge to defend him.

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