Page 35 of The Mistake

‘Are you kidding me?’ Natalie’s hackles rise, but as Pete reaches out and grips her hand, she falls silent.

‘You knew I wouldn’t want another child, and you kept the pregnancy from me for weeks. Even though I told you I wasn’t happy about having another baby, you went ahead and did it anyway, without any regard for how I might feel or how it might affect our other kids.’ She tries to pull away but he won’t let her, his fingers digging into the back of her hand. ‘I was lonely, too, Nat. You pulled away from me – I could go for days without you exchanging even a word with me – and you don’t seem to see what’s going on around you at all. Look at Zadie. She’s not eating, she’s wetting the bed, playing up at school. And Emily can’t wait to get away to university.’

‘You keep giving Zadie juice—’

‘No, Nat.’ Pete’s voice is firm – the voice he uses when the kids are playing up, or when a client is refusing to pay an invoice. ‘You have to stop burying your hand in the sand.’

‘You don’t know what’s going on, Pete, you’re never here! Instead of coming to school with me when they said Zadie had been bullying people, you were off having a roll in the hay with that … that …’

‘Zadie’s behaviour has got nothing to do with juice at dinner – she’s playing up because our whole family dynamic has changed, and you have to take some responsibility for that.’

Natalie sags against the wall, feeling sick with the realisation.She had never seen it that way, had never thought of it at all. All she’s been able to focus on since the day Erin was born – since before, really; since the day she first felt that crippling exhaustion and nausea – was just making it through to the end of the day without killing anyone or wanting to throw herself under a bus.

‘None of that excuses what you’ve done,’ she says, but she can hear in her own voice that the fight has gone out of her – for now, at least. ‘But maybe you’re right. I was so focused on this baby, on the idea of a new life, that maybe I didn’t properly think about the effects it would have on our family. Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I was the one who made a horrible mistake.’ As she raises her eyes to look at him, tears spill over her cheeks, dripping ontoher dress and darkening the hot pink to a deep rose. ‘Maybe if I hadn’t gone ahead with the pregnancy then none of this would have ever happened. Maybe it would have all stayed the same, and we would still be happy, Emily and Zadie would be happy. Maybe it would have been better all round if Erin wasn’t here at all.’

Pete

Natalie stares at him for a moment, her eyes wide and red-rimmed, as Pete tries to piece together a response – something that won’t place all the blame on her, that will acknowledge what he’s done without firing up her temper again – but before he can speak, she presses a hand to her mouth and hurries back up the stairs.

Pete turns and walks down the stairs, freezing in horror as he rounds the corner into the hallway. Vanessa is standing by the cloakroom door, her jacket over one shoulder. Her face is pale and there are the faintest smudges of black mascara beneath her eyes. She stops dead for a fraction of a second, before she puts her head down and moves to push past him, towards the front door, leaving the scent of alcohol on the air.

‘Vanessa!’ Pete hisses after her.How much of that exchange with Natalie did she hear?That’s his first thought before a surge of anger makes his blood warm, his pulse beating loudly in his ears. ‘Vanessa! Do you know what you’ve done? What the hell did you say to her?’

Vanessa pauses at the front door, her hand on the latch. ‘Just the truth, Pete.’ Before he can respond she is out of the door, leaving him alone in the hall, shaking with rage. Everything is falling apart, just as he’d feared. Scrubbing a hand over his face, Pete takes a deep breath. There is still a house full of guests, his daughter – even though she’s not exactly a ray of sunshine today – is supposed to be celebrating her eighteenth birthday, and his wife is in no fit state to host, thanks to his actions.Two more hours, he tells himself.Just a couple of hours more and then I can kick people out without it looking weird, and then I can try and piece my life back together.

Wearily, Pete moves to the kitchen, forcing a smile at the guests who linger in the doorway, pushed inside by the dimming light outside and the unseasonable chill in the air as the sun drops ever lower in the sky.

‘Beer bucket is dry.’ Stu appears beside him, and Pete realises that could be another reason why people are hovering near the kitchen. ‘You OK, bud? Em seemed a bit upset earlier, but Mari had a word with her, and I think she’s OK now.’

‘Oh, great. Yeah. Yeah, all good.’ He hands Stu a box of Budweiser, and as people begin to drift away Pete turns to the top cupboard – the one that is a jumble of old medicines and sun creams – and fumbles at the back. A sigh of relief escapes him as his fingers snag the square corner of the box, and as he pulls it towards him he can almost taste it, can almost feel the nicotine rush as the fresh scent of tobacco rises from the Benson & Hedges packet. Checking to make sure he is unobserved, he tucksthe cigarettes into his shirt pocket and moves quickly through thegarden, towards the apple trees at the back. Beyond the trees there is a fence with a worn gate, the timber split in places and the paint flaking away in crumbly layers as he jiggles the rusting bolt. On the other side is peace. The woods stretch out before Pete, the ancient oaks, ash and hazel trees clustered as far as the eye can see, keeping the house blanketed from the world outside.

It would be easy to get lost – the trees are so densely clustered together in some parts and the stream can be treacherous, especially after heavy rain – but Pete knows these woods like the back of his hand. He spent his childhood playing in them, making dens when he was a little kid, hearing the haunting legends attached to them and then sitting round a campfire with his mates when they were teenagers, telling ghost stories, trying to scare his little brother. Now he cuts through them several times a week – they all do. The route through the village to the shops and the school takes in a treacherous main road, but to cut through the woods, following the carpet of old leaves making up the woodland trail,twisting its way along the stream, is safe and quiet, the kids able to run ahead. He used to make dens with Emily in these woods, and again with Zadie when she was younger. Never quite taking his eyes off them, knowing how it easy it is to get lost, whether you know the woods well or not.

The thought of a tiny Zadie brings forth thoughts of Natalie, and he slides his hand into his pocket and pulls out the cigarettes, almost dropping the lighter in his haste to get one lit. As he inhales, the sharp acrid smoke hitting his lungs in a rush that makes his head spin, he’s aware that once again he’s lying to Natalie. He’d promised to quit smoking after they’d been to the scan at twenty weeks, and he’d seen Erin dancing on the screen, her tiny hands and feet waving and kicking.

After he’d pulled out his cigarettes on the way back to the car, Natalie had frowned. ‘Seriously, Pete? When are you going to quit? You’re going to have three kids that depend on you. You can’t be there for them when your lungs are all black and wizened.’

He’d stubbed the cigarette out immediately, snapping the rest of them in half and shoving them deep into the bin before pulling her in and kissing her on the head. ‘You’re right. Filthy habit. Time to quit.’ He’d meant it when he said it – of course he had – but he’d still found himself asking the cashier for twenty B&H the next time he’d stopped at the garage for petrol.Just for emergencies, he’d told himself. Well, if this doesn’t count as an emergency, he doesn’t know what does.

As Pete lets out a stream of smoke, he finds himself hoping it doesn’t cling to his clothes before he shakes the thought away. He’s done far worse lately than hide the occasional illicit cigarette from Natalie, and goose pimples rise on his arms as he thinks of her face, the way she had looked at him when she confronted him about Vanessa. He’s never seen her look at him that way before. She’d looked at her mother that way, the day her parents told Natalie and Pete to abort their accidental pregnancy or Natalie would no longer be welcome in their home. Natalie had staredat her mother, and then simply got to her feet and walked out of the room, with a quiet, ‘Come on, Pete.’ Natalie had never spoken to either her mother or father again after that day.

Is this really it for them? Is Natalie really going to call time on their marriage without giving him a chance to properly explain? Pete knows that deep down he can forgive Natalie for lying to him about when she found out she was pregnant; if he’s honest, he thinks he could probably forgive her anything. He knew the moment she sent him crashing to the concrete with those bloody books in her hands that she was meant to be his, and by the time he’d dropped her back at her halls after their first date, he knew he was going to marry her. He remembers coming back to the flat he shared with Stu and telling him that very thing, while Stu scoffed and laughed and offered him a hit on his bong.

It can’t be over. There has to be a way for me to salvage this, to make her realise that we’re meant to be together.Pete stubs out his first cigarette, scratching it hard against the concrete fence post to make sure all the embers are out, before pulling another from the pack. The day Natalie told him she was pregnant with Emily was the best day of his life. He’d already been thinking that he wanted to propose to her, but was unsure of how she would respond. They were in their final year, working on their dissertations, and Natalie had expressed an interest in travelling with a group of girlfriends afterwards. Pete couldn’t stomach the thought of her not being there, of her travelling around Europe without him, even though he would never have stopped her if that’s what she wanted. He would have waited for her. But as it turned out, he didn’t need to wait for her. She told him she was pregnant, and it seemed the most natural thing in the world to propose after that. If he remembers rightly, he thinks he cried a little bit when she said yes. Has he really thrown all of that away for a woman he doesn’t even care about? Pete doesn’t know what he was thinking, starting an affair with Vanessa. It almost felt like an accident, even though he knows it wasn’t – that part of him enjoyed the attention, thatthere was a layer of nostalgia there, as if Vanessa represented a life before kids and marriage – but if he confesses that to Natalie, she’s liable to kill him.

At the thought of Vanessa, he feels a fresh surge of anger run through him, and he snaps the lighter, bringing the flame to the end of a fresh cigarette.What the fuck was she thinking, telling Natalie like that?If she thinks this will drive him into her arms, she’s got another think coming. He doesn’t want to see her ever again – but he will, just to tell her what he thinks of her. Pete will take great pleasure in telling her he never wants to lay eyes on her again, in telling her that if she contacts his family, he will kill her. He only hopes that none of the other guests were privy to her big reveal; that none of them witnessed her rip Natalie’s world apart. Especially Eve. She’ll be thrilled with this news.

Eve. Pete takes a deep drag on the cigarette and holds the smoke in his lungs, imagining it seeping into his bloodstream. She’s another problem. What was it Princess Diana said?There are three of us in this marriage. Something like that, anyway, and that’s exactly how Pete feels, even more so after his confrontation with her earlier. How could Natalie confide in her before Pete, knowing as she does how Eve feels about him? Pete knows Eve has spent years whispering in Natalie’s ear about how Pete isn’t good enough for her. He thinks of what she said to him earlier, before she flounced out of the party.You should pay more attention to what’s going on with your wife, instead of spending your evenings in that fancy gastropub in town with someone whoisn’tyour wife.Does she know about Vanessa? Or did she just see them that night of the leaving drinks? His mouth is dry as he breathes out a long ribbon of smoke. If Eve knows about the affair with Vanessa, it will be all the ammunition she needs to have Natalie packing his bags and throwing him out on the street.

Pete blinks, squinting as smoke curls around his head, suddenly seeing himself in a dingy one-bedroomed flat on the outskirts of Maidstone, pacing as he waits for Natalie to dropthe girls off to spend the weekend with him. He sees himself at the McDonald’s near the Lockmeadow cinema complex, Happy Meals on the table as Zadie picks listlessly at her food and Erin screams, theother parents – whole, happy families – casting him sympathetic glances, as they wonder what he must have done to become the weekend dad, the dad who doesn’t even know his kids any more. And where would Natalie be? Suddenly feeling sick, he stubs out this cigarette, too, even though it’s barely half-smoked.

Pete might be upset with Natalie for lying to him, but what he’s done is far, far worse, especially as he knew deep down that she wasn’t coping very well with things. Instead of facing things head-on, he has to admit he has buried his head in the sand, too. It’s been easier to slope off with Vanessa than to sit down with Natalie and ask what’s wrong, what can he do to help fix it. He thinks of her face as she told him that maybe all of this was her fault. Her eyes had been curiously blank, her voice thin and listless, croaky with tears. Pete might have lied about a lot of things, but one thing he said to Vanessa is true. Natalie isn’t well – hasn’t been well since Erin was born – and Pete was too afraid to do anything about it, choosing instead to hide away at work, or in Vanessa’s bed. Now, his stomach churns and his hands shake, and his tongue feels fuzzy and thick with the taste of cigarettes. He thinks of the way Natalie spends so much time slumped on the sofa, or lying blank-faced on the bed, of the disconnect she seems to feel between herself and Erin.She hates me, Pete.His mother had suffered awful post-natal depression after the birth of his younger brother, although he didn’t realise it at the time – he’d only been five, after all – but she’d since described it to him as having a fierce black dog snapping at her heels. She’d once confessed that the thought had crossed her mind that perhaps Pete and his brother would be better off without her.Is that how Natalie feels?He knows Natalie has been struggling – thinks now that maybe she is depressed – but surely,surely, she wouldn’t do anything to harm herself or the baby? Would she?

Natalie

As she heads back upstairs to the sanctuary of her bedroom, Natalie feels woozy and drained. She feels the way she did last time she went for lunch with Eve and it turned into a night out, months before she found out she was expecting Erin. Her head spins, her vision blurring the outline of the bed into an indistinct blob, as she stumbles inside and closes the door, leaning against it and shutting her eyes, before hurrying into the en suitebathroom.

Vanessa wasn’t lying. Pete cheated on me.Suddenly nauseous, Natalie’s mouth fills with saliva and she retches over the toilet, giving herself an eerie case of déjà vu. She spent a lot of time in this position in the early days of her pregnancy. Finally, her stomach muscles aching and her mouth sour, there is nothing left to come up, and Natalie stands on shaking legs, moving to the sink.Pete really did cheat on me.As she leans down and slurps cold water directly from the tap, swishing it around her mouth, Natalie feels sick again. Even though she had seen the file, had looked at the photos Vanessa had hidden in there, part of her was still hoping all of this was some terrible mistake. That Vanessa had somehow faked the photo of Pete asleep in her bed. If there had only been the pictures of Vanessa, naked and hungry, Natalie could well have believed it was all a set-up – there was something in the other woman’s eyes as she said Pete’s name that made Natalie think perhaps she was a bit unstable, desperate, even – but there is no explanation for the photograph of Pete.He must have seen it. Why didn’t he get rid of the file?A horrible thought strikes her as she raises her eyes to the mirror, dabbing at her mouth. What if Pete kept the file in the hopes that Natalie would findit? What if he wanted her to know about the affair – he might even have told Vanessa to spill the beans. Pete’s never been the bravest, and that would have made things easier for him – he didn’t exactly deny it when she challenged him. Something clenches deep inside her gut, and Natalie presses her hand to her stomach. Somehow, the thought of that is even worse. The thought that it wasn’t just a quick shag, a roll in the hay to boost Pete’s ego. The thought that Pete might actually be in love with this woman – this woman who shared a part of Pete’s life that Natalie wasn’t around for – that he might leave Natalie and the kids for her, makes her feel physically ill.

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