Page 8 of The Mistake

‘There are plenty of things you could spend your money on. Bloody hell, Eve.’ Pete runs a hand through his hair. He doesn’t have time for this. Not this morning.

‘Pete, come on. It’s a gift. You need a travel system, this is the one Natalie wants.’ Eve looks up at him slyly. ‘You know if you don’t accept it, you’ll have to go out and buy one today anyway, so …’

Pete glances at the car, where Emily mimes tapping a watch at him. Eve has a point, even though it pains him to admit it.

‘Fine. Thank you. But we’ll pay you back.’ He doesn’t know when, but they will. ‘Sorry, Eve, I really have to dash.’

Hoping he hasn’t made a mistake in accepting the gift, Pete jumps into the car, throwing it into gear and pulling off the drive. As Zadie chatters in his ear, he glances in the rear-view mirror. Eve stands on the drive, one hand raised in farewell. A shiver ripples through him, something about the scene seeming oddly domestic and yet off-kilter, as if viewed through warped glass.

‘Dad?’ Emily turns to him with a frown.

Pete lowers his gaze to the road, patting Emily’s hand. ‘Sorry, kiddo. Someone just walked over my grave, that’s all.’

Natalie

Natalie has been in hospital for a week, thanks to an infection after her emergency operation, and she’s sick of it. She’s sick of staring at the same curtain surrounding her bed on the ward. Sick of the same beeps of machinery and rumble of trolleys, the same saccharin-sweet tones of the nurses, the same faintly antiseptic smell on the air. Sick of the pain in her abdomen every time she holds Erin, or tries to walk, or does anything, quite frankly.

It has become quite clear in the few days since Erin’s birth that Erin is a poor sleeper. Natalie is exhausted, and as she peers into the cot now, she feels an undeniable frisson of terror as Erin stirs.

‘No, no, shhhh.’ Natalie cautiously backs away, wincing as she manoeuvres herself back onto the bed. Several women and their babies have come and gone on the ward since the night of Erin’s birth. One woman – according to the story she told a weary Natalie, anyway – fired her baby out of her womb in minutes without a single drug. Another, a woman in the bed next to Natalie, had had twins and when she arrived, Natalie thought she recognised a kindred spirit in the woman’s exhausted face. She imagined them whisper-chatting together over their feeding babies’ heads in the gloom of the early hours, comparing birth stories and sleep tips. But, it turned out, the twins slept wonderfully, waking only to feed. Natalie felt even more exhausted as she frantically tried to hush Erin before she could wake the sleeping twin boys, before, to her relief, the woman was discharged after only two nights.

Now, the doors to the ward creak open and she looks up, glad she’s pulled back her privacy curtain. Visiting hours start at eleven o’clock, and while she knows the girls won’t be there today, she’sbeen expecting Pete. Her eyes go to the clock on the wall. It’s almost three o’clock now. She feels starved of conversation, the nurses too busy to chat and the other new mums only wanting advice once they find out Erin is her third baby. This interest in her wanes when Erin begins to cry and it becomes painfully obvious to the other mothers that Natalie clearly doesn’t have any idea what to do with her screaming child. It isn’t Pete who enters the ward. Instead, it’s the family of the woman in the bed opposite her: kids, her husband and what look like her parents, bearing flowers and balloons. They are noisy and overbearing, and Natalie casts another anxious glance towards the plastic cot as Erin screws her face up.

Natalie heaves herself off the bed on shaky legs, wishing it wasn’t another two hours until her next shot of pain relief as she awkwardly lifts Erin, who begins to wail – a deafening, piercing cry.

‘OK, shh, shh,’ Natalie soothes, feeling utterly useless as she latches Erin on for the third time in less than two hours, her cracked nipple on fire as Erin begins to feed. Her scalp prickles as she hears the woman in the opposite bed tell her family, ‘That baby has criedall night,’ in a muted tone that isn’t quite quiet enough.

Natalie feels her cheeks burn as Erin twists her head away, fed but still furious. Natalie puts her on her shoulder, patting her back, and squeezes her eyes closed, hoping against all hope that Erin will let out an almighty burp and then please,pleasestop crying.

‘Hey, you. Someone’s a cross little monkey.’

Natalie’s eyes ping open and there is a rush of relief through her veins as Eve leans in and gives Natalie a kiss, before holding out her arms. ‘Do you want me to take her?’

‘Yes please.’ Natalie feels inordinately grateful as Eve takes Erin and begins to wind her. ‘She cried all night and that woman across the way there is pissed off about it, by all accounts.’

‘What amiserable cow.’ Eve raises her voice and Natalie stifles a giggle, before pressing a hand to her belly. It feels good to laugh, but by God, it’s painful. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Oh, you know.’ Despite her breezy tone, Natalie can’t stop the tears that spring to her eyes, and Eve knows her well enough to not let them go unnoticed.

‘Oh, sweetie.’ Eve shifts closer to her, propping Erin on one arm in a deft manoeuvre. ‘Is it baby blues? You’ve been stuck in here for ages.’

Natalie sniffs, swiping her hand over her damp cheek. ‘Everything just feels a bit …big,’ she says, quietly. ‘Overwhelming, you know. I thought I was going to come in, pop out a baby and be home for New Year, and instead …’ Natalie has to swallow, the words getting stuck behind the lump in her throat. ‘Instead I had ahysterectomy. They took everything, Eve. I couldn’t have another baby now even if I wanted one.’This wasn’t what I signed up for, Natalie thinks, as Eve wraps her free arm around her shoulder. She wanted a baby, not for half her insides – and the ability to have any more children – to be taken from her.

‘I get it,’ Eve soothes, pressing a kiss to Natalie’s sweaty hairline. ‘You know I understand. But I’m here for you, OK? If you want to talk about anything at all, even if it’s just to rage. Your hormones are going to be all over the place for a bit, I should imagine.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I mean it.’ Eve holds Natalie’s gaze intently. ‘I didn’t have anyone to talk to when I … Well, when I was in a similar situation, and I don’t want you to ever feel as lonely as I did then.’ She nudges Natalie, breaking the tension in the air, as Erin stirs in her arms. ‘Now, how long before you can bust this joint?’

‘Hopefully any day now. They think they caught the infection in time, and I do feel much better, even if I am still sore. I can’t wait to get home.’ Natalie pauses for a moment as she tries to figure out what day it is. ‘Oh shit, it’s Wednesday! I need to text Pete and make sure the girls got off to school all right thismorning. He is coming in to see us today, but he’s got a few things he needs to sort out first.’ Natalie reaches for her phone, as Erin lets out an almighty burp.

‘There we go!’ Eve laughs, as Erin sighs against her shoulder. ‘No need to text Pete, I can confirm everything is under control. I even ironed Zadie’s uniform for the week … youknowhow I feel about ironing.’

Natalie feels oddly weepy, the bridge of her nose fizzing. ‘Oh God, Eve, you are an angel. I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

‘Don’t be silly.’ Eve looks bashful as she adjusts Erin in her arms. Erin is actuallysleeping, and Natalie feels her heart swell. Look at those eyelashes, resting on her cheeks. How could she have ever thought there was something wrong with her baby?

‘I should probably let you get back to work,’ Natalie says, with a twinge of regret. ‘I know you’ve got clients coming out of your ears.’ Natalie has always felt a little envious of Eve, since she retrained to be a counsellor. Natalie wishes she felt as passionately about the charity as Eve does about her clients, although now she thinks about it, she wonders if Eve’s workaholic attitude is a way of filling the void left by her empty womb.

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