Page 14 of Razor's Property

“When I saw you, I panicked and didn’t know what the fuck to do, Kens. And it didn’t help that I was piss-ass drunk and so fucked up in the head over what I’d done. God, I was such a fucking mess. When I finally got my shit together and came to your house, I was coming to beg for your forgiveness, to beg you to take me back. But when I showed up and saw your face, saw what I’d done to my sweet girl, I knew I had to let you go. You deserved better. You deserved someone who wasn’t going to be such a fuckup. And I didn’t want to drag you into my world any further than I had.”

“But why?” I don’t understand why he didn’t fight for us. “Why couldn’t you give them up and choose me? Choose our life?”

“Because I was no longer the same boy you’d fallen in love with. And as much as I wanted to fit myself back into that mold for you, I couldn’t. There was no turning back for me, and I knew that eventually what we had would be severed. You weren’t cut out for club life, and deep down, I knew I wasn’t cut out to be the man you wanted. So, I said some stupid shit, making it easy foryou to walk away. I wanted you to be happy, and when I saw you on campus, I thought you were.”

Easy? Even after seeing him with those girls, it wasn’t easy to walk away. And I know that if he had gotten on his hands and knees, groveling for my forgiveness, crying for me to stay, I would’ve. I would’ve forgiven what he did and taken him back. But he didn’t.

“I was never happy, Sean. I was surviving. Fighting so hard to get over you.” I release my truth into the night air and watch as it rises toward the sky. “I was forcing every smile, faking every laugh, hoping that eventually it would be real. I prayed every day that you’d come back and tell me you’d made a mistake. But you never did.” And the pain took over. And it festered. It ate away at me until there was nothing left but my hatred. Hate for him. Hate for the club. Hate for the injustice the world had thrown at me. “I even thought you’d show up for my mom’s funeral, but you never came. And that’s when I knew you were truly gone and never coming back. That was the day I finally let you go.”

“Baby.” He shifts to face me, taking up all the space between us. His leg pressing against mine and sending a comforting warmth throughout my body. It’s like an old security blanket. Safe and warm. “Had I known, I would’ve been there. I never would’ve let you go through that alone. But after I saw you with that guy, I never came back to town. And I made my grandparents promise to never mention you again, so they never told me about your mom. I think they thought you were better off without me, too. They hated the fact that I’d joined the club. Barely spoke to me after I did.”

I figured as much. His grandfather told me how disappointed he was in Sean and how I was better off finding myself a good, honest man who’d make me a nice life.

“God, it fucking kills me, baby. I hate that I wasn’t there for you. And I don’t blame you for hating me. I know it’s not much,that words can’t make up for what I did. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it. Goddamn, I’ve fucked up so bad.” He drops his head, shaking it like he can’t stand the thought.

He did fuck up, but I’m finally starting to understand. It doesn’t make it right, but I get it now. I understand why he walked away. It still hurts like hell knowing that I wasn’t enough, knowing that I couldn’t give him what he needed, but the pain isn’t quite as sharp as it once was. Thinking he’d fallen out of love with me was much worse.

“It’s in the past, Sean. It’s time to leave it there and for us to move on.”

I don’t want to carry this anger anymore, to harbor this resentment. I’m exhausted. It’s time to let it go, and for both of us to heal.

“No, baby. It’s time for me to make up for the hell I put you through.” He shifts closer. “It’s time for me to prove how sorry I am.”

“You don’t need to prove anything. I believe you.” I know now that we were both misguided by our misconceptions. He’s not the only one to blame for that. I never understood the appeal of the MC until now. And I hated them. He was right, had we stayed together, I would’ve given him an ultimatum: me or the club. Because whether they’re good men or not, I still hate that he’s a part of that world. I hate that his life is at risk every time he goes out on a “job.” If we had stayed together, I would’ve lived in fear. Every time he left the house, I would be afraid he wouldn’t come back. It’s one of the reasons I could never marry an officer. I’m not cut out for the worry.

“I forgive you, Sean. I’m not just saying that. I didn’t want to, but I do. But it doesn’t change anything. You’re still a part of that world. And I’m still the girl that wants to have nothing to do with it. So, I think it’s better for both of us if we move on with our lives. I need to get back to my world, and you need to go back tothe club. I’m sure your brothers miss you. I think I finally found the closure I needed.”

“No. I can’t accept that. This isn’t about closure for me. I’m not going anywhere. This time, I’m making the right choice. The one I should’ve made years ago.” He reaches for my hands, squeezing them tightly. “It’s us now, Kens. You and me. The way it always should’ve been. I’m not running away. I’ll do whatever I have to, to fight for you.”

For nearly three thousand days, those are the words I’ve been longing to hear, and I want to latch onto every single one and cling to the hope of getting back what we lost, of having a future together, the one I dreamed of as a little girl. But I can’t. It will never work for us. Because as soon as I dig myself out of this financial grave I’m in, I’m going to go back to school and become an attorney. And as a representative fighting for the law, I can’t be married to a man who doesn’t even abide by the law. A man who believes the code of the brotherhood is above all else. So, whether I love him or not, it’s not in the cards for us.

We’re both better off, even though right now, it doesn’t feel that way.

“I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a part of me that wants that, Sean. I’ve loved you since the day you moved in next door. You were the cutest boy I had ever seen. Still are. But I can’t do it again. I’ve come to learn that love isn’t always enough. And my life is in shambles right now. I’ve got shit I need to go figure out, and a relationship isn’t in the cards for me right now. So, I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Baby, whatever shit you have going on, I’ll take care of it. I’ll pay any debt you owe.”

“It’s sweet of you to want to ride into my life like a knight in shining armor, but I’m not taking your money. I can handle things on my own.”

“It’s not about handling shit. It’s about me wanting to be with you.”

Another kick to the gut, but I can’t falter. I know what’s best for us. Which is why I have to lie.

“But I don’t want to be with you, Sean. I’m no longer willing to give up my dreams for a man.”

“I don’t want you to give up anything. I would never stop you or hold you back.”

I cock my brow. “Really? You already stopped me from doing my job. I should be at work right now.” And I really, really need the money.

“That’s not a fucking job. And, no, I don’t want my girl showing her body to other men.”

“That’s just it. I’m not your girl. And I don’t have to answer to you or anyone else for how I choose to make my money. And every night that you keep me from making money, it puts me at risk of losing my mom’s house.” I hate admitting the fact, but I need him to see the bigger picture. And I need him to take me home. If I lose my mother’s house, I’ll lose everything.

“I paid your debt, babe. The house is yours, so you never have to worry.”

“You did what?” I jerk back, feeling burned by his words. He did what? What does he mean he paid my debt? That’s thousands and thousands of dollars. Hundreds of thousands.

“I called the bank and found out how much was owed, and I took care of it. The house is yours now. Free and clear.”

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