Page 49 of Tainted Tempos

“I don’t want to,” I admit, clinging to it, to her, like a life raft. “But some days,” I whisper, “some days, I don’t deserve him.” I sob again, blinking against the tears forming in my eyes.

I made it through the entire ordeal without shedding one tear, and now, I mention Mav, and it’s like fucking waterworks. I dash a tear away angrily and glare out the window at the students gathering on the quad.

They look so happy and carefree. Two guys and a girl toss a frisbee and laugh. Unaware of the dangers that lurk around them, all the time, posing threats and risks that would upend their lives. A man walks in front of my car. He gives me a curious look through the windshield, but he turns toward the quad when I meet his eyes. Sits on a bench and pulls out a book.

“You do, Kenny,” Allegra murmurs. “You deserve so much love and happiness. But to keep it,youhave to believe it.”

“I don’t know how.” I shake my head. “God, A, I love Mav so much. But I’m scared that all of this, all my baggage, is too much for him. For us. At some point, it’s going to catch up and?—”

“Where is this coming from?” Allegra interjects. “I thought things with you and Maverick were great.”

“They are. That’s the problem. Nothing good like this can last. It can’t.” I shake my head to drive the words home. “He met my dad. They got along. He waits for me every day when I come home from campus, and we eat dinner together. Allegra, I didn’t remember marrying the man and then, I confessed my deepestsecret to him and now we’re living this humdrum wedded bliss and it’s all okay? At some point, the other shoe will drop.”

“Not with Mav it won’t,” Allegra says soothingly.

I suck in a breath. “This week has been hell. I’m terrified on campus. I’m so scared of running into Bran but I’m also scared to tell Mav that. At some point, I need to feel comfortable and safe on my own. I need to know that I can fight my own battles and be okay. But I’m also terrified of losing him. I don’t think I’m making any sense,” I lament.

“You are. You’re making perfect sense, Kenny. You had a huge trauma and you’re processing that. You want to be able to lean on your husband, but you also want to know that you can rely on yourself.”

“Exactly,” I breathe out, relieved she understands.

“You’re okay. We can figure all of this out.”

I snort. Allegra is a problem solver. A nurturer. A giver. Hell, she makes a living helping people find a healthier, more stable path. Will she help me?

“I think you should speak to a therapist, Mckenna,” she says, her voice serious. “You experienced a trauma, and if you don’t work through it, start to get ahead of it, it will continue to pop up like it did the morning in Vegas. And it will affect other aspects of your life, quite possibly your marriage with Mav.”

I sigh, not saying anything. Mostly because I know she’s right.

“If you’d like, I can connect with some contacts in Boston on your behalf. The Harrison Foundation has a plethora. I can set you up with a therapist.”

“How do I know they’ll be a good fit?”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll find you someone. I just need to know it’s what you want.”

“It is. I’ll go.” As soon as I say the words, I realize their truth. I do want to move forward. I want help. I don’t want to live in this paralyzing fear with shortness of breath, shaking hands, and a foggy mind.

I want waterfalls and Christmas decorations with Mav. I want nights out with my girls and brunches with Robyn and Emily. I want...peace of mind.

“Good,” Allegra says, and I hear the smile in her voice. “Leave it to me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’m glad you confided in me, Kenny. You’re so damn strong. I know this wasn’t easy, and the fact that you’ve carried it around, consciously and subconsciously, for this long is remarkable. You’re a badass, babe, and I’m proud of you. And so fucking sorry I didn’t realize...”

“I didn’t realize either,” I remind her.

She snorts. “I’m still sorry.”

“I love you, A.”

“I love you so damn much, Mckenna. We got this, okay? Whatever it takes, we got this.”

I smile at her use ofwe. Now, Mav and Allegra know the truth and are still here for me. “Yeah.”

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