Page 23 of His to Save

She’s gone.

Devastated, Nora

Dear Diary,

I knew it was coming. Deep down, I knew. But knowing doesn’t ease the pain. Knowing doesn’t fill the gaping hole in my chest, ease the burning in my eyes, or help me take a full breath.

I tried to write about it afterward but I couldn’t—I wanted to hold onto the hurt for a little while longer.

It’s weird, knowing that I’m truly alone now. I’m not sure there’s anyone left that even remembers I exist, besides Rand. There’s definitely not another soul on this earth that cares about me. Or maybe that’s been the case for a while, because I’m pretty sure Mama stopped caring a long time ago.

But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t give anything to have her back.

She was so sick for so long, and a small part of me is glad she isn’t suffering any longer, but the rest of me—the most of me—wishes she was still here. That she was healthy and that we could escape the hell that is Rand’s house together.

But instead, she left me here. All alone. And now it’s me who can’t eat or sleep, because every time I do, I see her lying there in her bed, completely unmoving—and that’s not how I want to remember her.

At first, I thought she was just sleeping really hard. Rand said her new meds would do that—that they would make her tired. Well, more tired.

But when I turned on the overhead light, it was clear she wasn’t sleeping. Her body was stiff, like all of her muscles were tensed up, and when I tried checking her pulse, her skin was as cold as ice.

If it weren’t for her blue lips, she might have looked peaceful.

I feel like I should have cried, but I didn’t. I can’t. It’s like Dad all over again. My eyes burn, but the tears refuse to fall.

Maybe Mama was right. Maybe there really is something wrong with me. Two parents dead and gone and I’m as dry-eyed as ever.

Up until my dad died, Mama was always the brightest light in any room. Losing my dad may have dimmed her glow, but Rand… He completely shattered the bulb, leaving me all alone in the dark without her.

It’s the same with me. I was a little bent after losing Dad, but Rand broke me. I know I need to figure out some kind of plan—either to escape or to survive. I guess they’re one and the same at this point.

Because whether he keeps me here or kicks me out, I’m screwed.

I’m nothing more than an unwanted orphan with a monster for a stepdad. Huh—maybe in another life I was a Disney princess…

Then again, Rand hasn’t bothered me much since Mama passed. He hasn’t even been home.

Or maybe he has and I just don’t remember. Everything’s been a blur. The only parts I remember clearly are finding Mama and then watching them wheel her bagged body out the front door.

I don’t know if he’s grieving or maybe he’s working out a way to get rid of me too—God knows he’s made it clearI’m not wanted—but the past few days have been this weird mixture of blessed peace and crippling agony all at once.

It’s sort of like when you swim and you accidentally take a breath underwater—you know, the way your nose and chest both burn? That’s how I feel without Mama. Like I can’t take a full breath without sucking water deep into my lungs.

Yeah, that’s how it feels. Like drowning, but on dry land.

I don’t know what to do without her. What to think… how to feel.

For the past few years, things have just gone from bad to worse, and now, all I can think about is what horrible thing might be lurking around the corner.

When’s the other shoe going to drop?

It’s not like I have much left to lose.

Either way, it’s tomorrow’s problem, because today is Mama’s funeral. Well, sort of. Rand had her cremated, even though I knew she wanted to be buried next to my dad.

But he did what he wanted, without a single care for me or her wishes. And now I have to make a dinner in herhonor to serve Rand and whoever he invited to this sham of a service.

I wanted to say something to him about it, to scream and cry that she would want to be beside my dad, but I knew better. Rand likes it when I keep my eyes down and my mouth shut, so that’s what I try to do.

---