Page 46 of Hot Receiver

“And who is this person to you?”

I swallow hard. Christ, how do I say he’s everything and nothing at the same time?

“Is he someone you want to save face with?”

“Yes.” I shift on the couch, my gut knotted like a damn lanyard.

Dr. Forest nods again, like he understands. And no fucking way does he understand any of this. He crosses his legs and leans forward onto his iPad. “And who saved you the first time? When you were at the mercy of the team bullies, who helped you then?”

I clench and unclench my fingers. “Nobody.”

“So, the hate was spewed, and you were left to deal with it on your own. And now you feel less than because you were pulled out of a situation you feel you should have handled because you fell short the last time in college.” Dr. Forest pushes his glasses higher on his nose.

“Zak, tell me this. Deep down, do you think you might have subconsciously wanted to be saved by this person because nobody did it the first time, and you were left vulnerable and at others’ mercy?”

My breath catches in my throat. “Maybe.”

“And is it possible that you keep creating these situations to test people out, to see if they will stand by your side when you feel so abandoned?”

Fuck me.

Did the doctor just hit the nail on the goddamn head?

Have I done this shit because I need to prove to Matt that I’m still worthy, that even though I’m not the football god the world thought I was, I’m…enough?

Scrubbing a hand down the front of my face, I lean into my hands.

The time with my mom I didn’t have Matt with me, but he came to me afterward.

Is all this a fucking cry for affection and attention from the man who broke my heart?

Jesus Christ.

“These aren’t necessarily questions you need to answer right now. But they are ones to think about.” He picks up his pen and taps it on the side of his iPad. “Strength is acceptance of one’s own self, no matter what anyone says or thinks.”

My pulse bounces back and forth, slamming against the sides of my throat.

“And did you ever consider the fact that maybe you keep pushing people pasttheirlimits of acceptance because you can’t accept yourself?”

I just stare at him, my mind still twisted over everything coming out of the doctor’s mouth.

“Acceptance isn’t dependent on how others see us, Zak. It is dependent on how we see ourselves. But you battle against those who challenge your way of life, your beliefs, and your rights, thinking that gives the appearance of you being strong when really, that strength you seek lies within you.”

One question burns up the tip of my tongue.

How can I accept myself if the man I love doesn’t?

Because if he did, he’d never have abandoned me in college. He’d have never left my condo the other day. He’d have fought for me…for us.

But he didn’t.

And those scars he left run too goddamn deep to ever heal.

Chapter 21

Matt

Nobody gives a damn about preseason games.

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