Page 80 of Hot Receiver

“I guess there’s no beating around the bush with you, huh?”

“I try to be a good person. And I want good things to happen for other people who deserve them. That’s why I’m here.” She shrugs. “Matt loves you, and since I love him, I want him to be happy.”

“So many other women would be plotting his death right about now, and here you are, trying to protect his heart.”

She winks at me. “I’m not ‘so many other women.’”

“No, you’re definitely not.” My grin fades. “But I think you’re wasting your time here. I can’t go backward, and I don’t see any way forward.”

“Look, Zak, there’s a guy sitting in the chapel right now because he can’t bear to leave you here. He knows that once he leaves, it really and truly is over, and he can’t accept that. He’s clinging onto the hope that you’ll remember all the things you love about him and change your mind.”

“Anna, it doesn’t matter what I love about him, and believe me, there’s plenty. It’s the things I can’t stand that are the reasons why I can’t take him back. Especially since I never really had him in the first place.”

She leans forward. “Let me ask you this. How do you feel right now? Floaty, maybe because of the drugs, but I’m talking about your heart.”

“You want to know the truth?” My brows knit together, and I clutch the bedsheet in one hand like it’s my resolve, slowly seeping out of my body. “It hurts like hell. But you know what hurts worse? Feeling like I’d be a complete naïve idiot for believing anything he says because I already know how it all will play out.”

“He’s done a lot of things wrong, for sure.” She sits back and crosses her legs. “He told me everything on the way over. And it sucks. I feel for you.”

“So, you get why I can’t go back. Everything he did, has continued to do… his priorities don’t match mine.”

She‘s quiet for a minute, toying with the fabric on her gown. Finally, her green eyes lift, focusing on me.

“Matt has been lying to himself for the better part of his life. He told himself leaving home to play football would help his family, so that was his excuse for staying away. But really, he didn’t want to face what he was feeling about his parents, especially his mother. His dad is an addict, almost easier to excuse, but his mom? He saw her staying with his dad kind oflike an act of betrayal to him and the girls, that she enabled his dad to continue hurting them all, which led to her hurting them. But he’d never admit that. It was easier to leave and convince himself it was to do something good when in fact, it was allowing him to ignore those feelings he didn’t know how to process. And if you ask me, he lied to himself when it came to you, too.”

“Jesus, are you a shrink in your spare time?” I grumble.

“I read a lot. I never did get to go to college, but I’ve always loved reading. And I knew that being a good actress meant I needed to get into my characters’ heads, so I started reading psychology books and articles to learn how to do it well.”

“You’d be my dream girl if I were straight.”

She chuckles. “Thanks, I’m flattered. You’re a pretty good catch, too.”

I tap my fingers on the side of the bed rail. “When I showed up at the event tonight, I had no idea he’d be there. I was so ready to keep a clear head, focus on my future, and figure out the best way to make myself happy. I had a plan. And then, it all went to shit when I saw Matt. And you know how things ended up.” I lean over the rail. “But that’s how they always go with him. Tonight was no different except I ended up lying in a hospital bed, which is a huge fucking red flag I can’t ignore.”

“Look, Zak. You have every right to feel the way you do and to tell him to go to hell.” She taps the side of her face and cocks it to the side. “Actually, I’m pretty sure you already did that. But if there’s any part of you that’s not entirely convinced that you want that future alone and without Matt, then think long and hard about what you’d be giving up. Can you get past what happened? Can you be open to a relationship with him?”

God, what I would do to have Matt by my side forever? But he needs to want it, too. And words can’t fix what’s broken between us. He can’t be himself. He won’t ever befree. How am I supposed to accept that when I know what I want, and shouting it to the world would be nothing short of amazing?

I shake my head, rubbing my finger against the cotton bedsheet.

“How I feel doesn’t matter. It’s Matt who can’t handle his feelings. He runs at the sign of anything that’ll throw a wrench in his perfectly crafted life. That most definitely includes me. If he can’t even admit to himself how he feels, how can he convince me that he’s worth the risk?”

Chapter 34

Matt

Iroll onto my back and stare at the ceiling, my chest deflating as I let out a deep sigh. It’s already time to get up, and I feel like I haven’t slept in days.

Memories of what happened last night lance my brain like the sharpest razors. I never wanted Anna to talk to Zak. I figured she’d have been hanging out in the waiting room while I was in the chapel. So, when she told me what she did, it pissed me off.

But I mean, of course, she’d do that for me. It’s the kind of person she is, one of the reasons why I love her. She’s got the biggest heart of anyone I know. And even though I broke hers, she still wanted to help me put the shattered pieces of mine back together.

So, I didn’t tell her I was pissed. And when I heard his reaction, it only sank me further into a deep, dark sinkhole of regret, remorse, and disappointment…in myself.

Sleep never really came last night. Instead, my mind was plagued with a whole lot of “what-ifs”—not only about Zak and me but about my family.

Maybe Anna is right. I leave because I can’t process. If I stuck around and tried to figure things out, maybe they’d turn out differently. Maybe I’d feel like I had more control over them, control to change them.

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