Page 23 of Puck Lust

My shoulders slump, my eyes locked on Jack’s back as he and the dickhead guy emerge from the crowd on the opposite side of the dance floor.

I guess I should care that my on-again girlfriend is making a play for another guy right under my nose.

But as Jack and his fuck buddy head out the front door of the bar, only one thought assaults my brain.

I wish it was me.

NINE

jack

It takeseverything in me to not look back at Carter, not look back at Sam or the guys.

I grit my teeth, squaring my shoulders as I walk out the door to Electric Lunch with what’s his name behind me.

I didn’t belong there anyway.

Everyone back in that bar has a life, things to look forward to, people who love them.

Families, spouses, significant others.

Vacations, weddings, holidays.

The people I just left behind aren’t defined by what they do, what they can win, how much they can earn.

Unlike me whose value is equivalent to how many goals I can score within three periods.

I’ve never had anything beyond hockey and the endorsements I’ve picked up along the way.

I came close with Sam once but fucked it up royally because I didn’t understand true connection. I mistook intimacy for sex and wasn’t ever able to fill the void in my heart and soul.

Howcould I?

Abandoned by my mother when I was only six years old, detested by my abusive father until the day he kicked me out of my shithole house for being gay.

I never felt security or happiness. I never knew love.

When Sam first said those words to me, I didn’t know how to accept them.

I didn’t feel worthy of his love.

I don’t see how I ever could.

When my own parents didn’t love me, how the hell could anyone else?

After Sam, I made sure I didn’t give anyone else the chance to get close enough to say them again. I missed him when we broke up, but I know now it was because he gave me a false sense of security and comfort. He took care of me, made me feel protected, things I’d never experienced before.

I stupidly thought that was love, then learned fast it was just me grasping at something normal. Since I had nothing to offer Sam in return, it wasn’t a shock that he pulled away. I thought I’d be okay on my own, but after that taste of what life could be like, I craved it again from the one person I knew could give it to me.

But he’d already doled it out to someone else.

I think that’s why I hated Brixton so much when I first got back to California. Brixton was a hot fucking mess when they first met and Sam was a fixer.

I think it’s why Sam and I started up in the first place. He just sensed the dysfunction in me even though I never fully let him in on all the dirty laundry packed tight in my baggage. I hid that pretty damn well.

Still hiding it now.

But he wasn’t satisfied with the fun version of me who loved the limelight. He wanted more. Substance. Commitment. A future.

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