Page 81 of Puck Lust

I couldn’t help but gravitate toward them. I feel the same way about Carter’s family. The need to be part of some kind of unit where everyone cares and nobody judges is overwhelming. To be accepted without question is a luxury I’d never had growing up. I was only ever able to feel that way through my association with others.

Carter looks at me, his blue eyes glittering with unspoken promises. My heart jumps in my chest under his heavy stare. Seeing how much his family loves him and how much he loves them in return only makes me want him more.

He is special, the most special man I’ve ever met.

And he deserves to know the truth. I at least owe him that much after all he’s done for me.

Once the kitchen is cleaned up, we fill into the living room while Carter puts away the rest of the dishes. Gran is asleep, her feet resting on an ottoman. Mike picks up the remote and tries to change the channel but her eyes fly open wide. “Don’t change the channel. I was just resting my eyes for a minute.”

He grins at her. “You got it, Ma. It’s your day.”

Carter’s mom snuggles up to her husband and the girls flop onto the opposite couch with theirphones.

“Jack, why don’t you have a seat?” Gigi says, patting the cushion next to her when the sounds of Gran’s light snores once again fill the air.

“I actually think I’m going to take a shower and get some sleep. Thanks so much for a great day.”

My eyes sweep over the group, hanging onto Mike’s eyes a little longer. The hairs on the back of my neck pop to attention, the lick of a tiny chill slithering over my skin. He smiles at me but the expression on his face doesn’t match. No, there’s something else there.

Something that doesn’t sit right with me, but I can’t put my finger on it.

He shut me down pretty hard in the kitchen before when I tried to strike up a conversation with him.

My mind suddenly trips back to the night I had dinner at Sam’s house with his family a while back. It was when I came back to Oakland and tried to reignite things with Sam. Brixton showed up and I pulled him aside, told him he’d never be good enough for Sam. I was jealous and insecure and couldn’t bear the thought of losing Sam or his family. And then Brixton overheard Sam’s dad basically saying the same thing to Sam in the dining room, advising him against being with someone like Brixton who could drag him down.

I heard that same edge in his voice, that same judgment.

Is that what Mike thinks about me? What they all think of me?

Is that what Carter thinks?

They’ve all no doubt seen the video and must know it’s the reason I’m trying to avoid people.

My stomach drops into my sneakers as I turn to walk up the stairs.

Maybe they’ve already shared that opinion with Carter. That might be why he stayed away from me for the better partof the day. Gram wouldn’t let anyone get too close, but I’m sure she’d have made an exception for her favorite grandson.

It was nice to think I was being monopolized, but now I realize it might have been more than just Gram’s doing. And that feels really shitty.

Maybe I’m blowing all of this up in my mind.

Carter accepts me. He understands me.

Right?

I strip out of my clothes and step into the shower, letting the hot spray soothe my tight muscles. I scrub my skin, so many thoughts tumbling around in my mind.

Carter doesn’t really know me, and that’s my fault. He only knows what I’ve told him. And he never presses. Never asks too many questions. He wants to give me time to feel comfortable opening up, just like I need to give him time to figure out how to tell people that he’s gay, no matter how anxious it makes me to think he might change his mind.

I’ve been protecting myself because I’m afraid of what will happen if he knows the truth about my past. But I’m never going to make him feel completely comfortable with whatever is going on between us unless I give him everything and show him the same trust he’s put in me.

He may reject me when he hears my story. He may be disgusted by what I’ve done. He may completely cut me out.

If I tell him the truth, I risk losing him forever.

The war wages as I towel off and pull on a pair of boxer briefs. I pace the length of the room, my heels digging into the area rug in front of the bed. It’s dark outside, a cool breeze sweeping into the room from the open window. I walk over to the window and glare at the mess of twinkling stars above.

All I want is normal. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. But when I’ve gotten even a bit of it, like I had with Sam, I always manage toscrew it up because I don’t know how the hell to navigate normal.

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