Page 11 of The Secrets We Built Together

Alcohol had been my escape when I found myself alone, and I'd paid a high price for that. But now I was back here, back where it all began and I didn't know how to live this way anymore.

"Look, I'm always going to have your back, Xander. And I'm not the only one. You have a support system here, and you canlean on any one of us. But I think you're selling yourself short, brother." Dex leaned forward, his eyes serious in a way they rarely were. "I know you're worried about how all this is going to affect your sobriety. But you can't let that fear stop you from living your life."

His words hit home harder than I wanted to admit. I was terrified of relapsing, of disappointing everyone again, of disappointingmyself. It was easier to think about avoiding life altogether than to risk failing at it.

"My life? I don't even know what that looks like anymore."

"Well, what do you want it to look like?"

I looked at my oldest friend in surprise. Booker had said something similar the day before. Why was everyone asking the same question? The one I obviously didn't have any answer for.

WhatdidI want my life to look like?

I didn't think I'd ever even thought about it before. There was a path I'd been set on and I just followed it. I couldn't even remember if it was one I'd chosen for myself.

"I'm not sure I'm ready for relationships," I finally admitted, voicing the fear that had been gnawing at me since I'd first laid eyes on Blake with her sparkling eyes filled with mischief and maddening pink hair. "Everything I read says dating during early recovery is a bad idea."

"Who said anything about dating?" Dex asked with a sly grin that told me he knew exactly what—or who—had been on my mind.

"No one," I said too quickly. "I'm just saying."

"Look, there's a difference between jumping headfirst into something destructive and just... noticing someone. You're allowed to notice people, Xander."

I shook my head, not having the guts to say more aloud.

"Maybe that's where you need to start then. Do one of those Eat Pray Love things." He waved his hand in the air like hehadn't just pulled up a reference I never would have guessed he knew. "What? I'm all cultured and stuff!"

I snorted at that. Culture was one thing Willowbrook had never been able to claim. Not like the city. There wasn't much of anything to do here, but I guess that was part of the charm. I had to admit that now I was back here, there was something about the quiet that I'd missed. The peace that lay between the everyday moments.

"So you think the answer is to leave and wander around the globe until I find myself?"

Dex blinked in surprise. His mouth opened and then closed, before he frowned and added, "I didn't realize it meant that. Let's come up with a plan B."

We fell into silence and my mind immediately turned to Gage. My brother had left town on his eighteenth birthday and none of us had heard from him again. None of us had ever spoken of the worst possibility. Unable to face the obvious answer that he'd never come back because something terrible had happened. Our father had been secretly keeping track of Gage but even he'd lost his trail a while ago.

Booker was convinced he could bring him home. I think Trace was still holding onto that hope too. Hope was in limited supply with me these days and I’d started to think it was a lost cause. If Gage wanted to come home he would have a long time ago. Maybe it would even be wrong to force him back to this place when he was so intent on staying away.

I'd certainly never intended to be back in the town where it had all begun.

And yet, everything seemed different now.

Mother was gone and hopefully for good. The relationship I had with my brothers was slowly pulling tighter. That image of a happy family that I'd seen on TV growing up, and always thought to be a lie, was slowly starting to feel more like reality. Hell, wewere having family dinners and I didn't hate every minute of them like I'd assumed I would.

I might even go as far as to say that I had a good time.

It was hard not to when she was there. The infuriating pink-haired woman who seemed to draw my eye no matter where she stood in the room.

It was probably a long dormant self-preservation instinct. The woman was a menace. She actually propositioned me in public to ask me to pose naked for her! Right in the middle of the bakery! Talking of self-preservation instincts, I'd felt every woman over the age of sixty turn to look at me and had never felt more objectified in all my life.

I swear I saw Mrs. Shulster wink at me.

Mrs. Shulster! She taught me in eighth grade!

I shuddered at the thought.

"One breath, one moment, one day," I whispered to myself, the mantra that had gotten me through the darkest moments of withdrawal and early sobriety. When the cravings hit, when everything seemed too much, I'd focus on just getting through this one breath, this one moment, this one day.

"What's that?" Dex asked.

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