Page 54 of Bite Your Tongue

This conversation may be about a drama series from the early 2000s, but suddenly, a nerve of mine has been struck.

“But sometimes, things are just not as cut and dry as,Yo, let’s be together and ride off into the sunset, baby,” I snap. “There are things to consider before you just … you know, jumpinto something with someone. Peyton had her own issues. And then Lucas overcomplicated her life by being obsessed with her and trying to always be the good guy.” I wag my finger like I’m in a full-on debate. “And then Brooke kept throwing herself at him, and she knew that her best friend was miserable in her current relationship and was crushing on Lucas. Still, she kept going after him. Basically leaving him no choice but to give her a chance.” Once I’m done word-vomiting, I pause, swallowing and pushing my shoulders back. “All I’m saying is, Peyton had her reasons for being wishy-washy—that’s all.”

He’s clearly finding amusement in how irked I am getting over something that was supposed to be lighthearted. Maybe I’m taking it to heart because, inside, I know what we’re doing is wrong, and one of us is going to get hurt. But even if that’s true, Ryder seems more than okay with being friends with benefits, despite his wholeyou either like someone or don’tbelief.

“What has you all worked up, Sail-On?” He flips onto his side, facing me. “Also, if it makes you feel any better, I’m Team Naley for life.”

Normally, those last words would make me swoon because we shouldallbe Team Nathan and Haley. But I’m still so stuck on what he said before—about either liking someone or not—and I can’t let it go.

“You like this arrangement, right?” I blurt out, pulling my legs up and crossing them in front of me. “This is what you want?”

I don’t know what made me say it. I guess because, now, I’m overthinking everything. Perhaps he thinks I’m being Peyton and sending mixed signals. No, it can’t be. I’ve been very clear about what I want out of this.

“What are you really asking me, Saylor?” he drawls, eyes searching mine. “Better yet, what is it you want me to tell you?”

“The truth, I guess,” I whisper. “Do you think I’m overcomplicating this? Or are you happy that we’re keeping it platonic?”

“You told me to bite my tongue when I felt the need to tell you my feelings,” he throws back, his expression growing colder. “So, now what? You don’t want that anymore?”

“I don’t know!” I hiss. “I don’t know what I want anymore. But I know one thing: I don’t want you to look at me like I’m this complicated human who messes with your life.”

“I never said—” He stops, realizing what I’m saying. “You’re taking my words about a damn TV show like I meant them for you. That’s fucked up.”

“No,” I say, shaking my head and climbing off the bed. “It’s just … hearing your perspective on it has made me look around and ask myself,What the hell are we doing?” I drag my hand over the top of my head. “You surprised me for Christmas, took me on an adorable date, and then got me an insane hotel room that overlooks Times Square.” I put my hand on my chest. “Ryder, you have practice tomorrow, and yet you traveled half the night just so you could be here for New Year’s to help me check that item off my list.” I drag in a shaky breath. “What we’re doing isn’t right. You’re having fun. You’re pulling out all the stops, and I’m trying to put on thiscool girlpersona that is not me at all.”

“Saylor,” he whispers, climbing off the bed and taking my hands, “it’s okay—”

“No, it isn’t.” I sniffle. “I am not the girl who does friends with benefits. Or the one who plays hard to get and acts like I don’t want love or a relationship. That’s all I’ve ever wanted! But I know I’m not the girl men settle down with. I’m the fun one. The sexy one. The wild one,” I practically cry. “And now that you’ve realized that and the fun is over, I know what’s going tohappen.” I look down. “It’s okay though. Just go. Go before I get more attached, like the pathetic, hopeless romantic that I am.”

He doesn’t walk away, but instead, he cups my cheeks, forcing me to look at him.

“I’ve been biting my tongue because that’s what you told me to do. I agreed to this friends-with-benefits thing because I thought it was the only way I could carry on with this friendship.” He peers down at me. “After I had you once, there was no way I could just be your friend, Saylor. No fucking way at all.”

My heart pumps loudly in my chest, and I frown. “What are you saying?”

Keeping his palms against my face, he bends down closer. “I’m saying, I want much more than just to be your friend, Saylor Sawyer. But you’ve been so damn stubborn about it that I didn’t want to push you away by telling you that.”

He brings his lips to mine, pressing a kiss to them. “I want you. I’ve wanted you for a long damn time, but after spending Christmas together … that want has become a need. A fucking must.” He kisses me again. “I like you. I really,reallylike you.” He stops, grinning. “Even though, if I’m being honest, you scare the absolute shit out of me.”

“I do?” I whisper. “Why?”

“Because you’re the type of girl who gets away. And when you do, the sorry motherfucker you left behind will spend his life thinking about you.” He kisses my forehead. “And I don’t know who convinced you that you’re not the type of girl men settle down with because, Saylor … that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m just sorry you don’t see it.”

Everything is changing within seconds, and I don’t know where to even go from here.

“My brother,” I squeak. “I don’t want to bring more drama into his life. You’re his best friend.”

“Are you worried you’ll get tired of me and not want to come around Smith when I’m there?” he asks softly.

“What?” I frown. “No. I’m scared that when you move on, it’ll be awkward with you and my brother. He always takes my side.” I cringe. “Even when I wish he wouldn’t. I wish he’d put himself first.”

He drops his hands from my cheeks and grips my chin instead, forcing it upward so that my eyes are staring directly into his. “You don’t have to worry, Saylor.”

“Everyone says that,” I whisper. “No one goes into a relationship thinking it’s going to end shitty.”

“Just give me a chance,” he utters against my lips. “We can take it slow. We can go at whatever pace you want. All I want is a chance.”

I stare at him, unable to even croak out a word.

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