Page 19 of Penance

I ram the gun into my temple as I squeeze my eyes shut, breathing harshly through my nose.

“I’m sad because I’m scared, Sweetheart.”

Kacey’s deep voice rumbles through me, comforting the darkest parts of my soul. My chest tightens and pulls but I keep my eyes shut tightly.

“I make you sad,” I suddenly realise, a crystal-clear moment of clarity illuminating the darkness. “I don’t want you to be sad, Kace,” I whisper over the drumming sound of the water, pounding into me like the fists of demons.

“You don’t make me sad, you’re frightening us, Sweetheart, all of us. We just want you to put the gun down, we don’t want you to hurt yourself,” he tells me, but his words aren’t connecting with my brain.

What are we even doing in here?

The side of my head pulses with pain as the water scalds my skin. The scorching inferno in my hand unbearable as it throbs in time with my erratic heartbeat. A thrum of heat runs through my fingers as I squeeze the gun tighter in my good fist, watching as the water carries the thick flow of blood down the drain from my other.

Always fucking bleeding.

A sob tears from my raw throat, dry and stinging from inhaling bleach. The gun clattering to the shower pan, the sound of it echoing heavily in the small space. Then the heat hits me, and I feel the pain tearing its way through my body as I cry out. In one long stride, Kacey climbs into the shower. His towering body reaching over me, fully clothed, he turns the water to freezing. The immediate change in temperature forces tears from my stinging eyes. Huxley takes the gun from the shower, dropping it into the sink. Kacey crashes to the floor behind me, holding my raw skin in his huge arms. The cold water drowning us both, my teeth chatter as heaving sobs rack my trembling body.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” Kacey murmurs against my hair.

Opening his legs, dragging me back into him. Holding my naked body under the freezing spray, he clamps his legs over me as I try to get away from the water.

“It fucking hurts, Kace, let me out,” I tremble through chattering teeth, but he doesn’t let up, trying to soothe my burnt skin.

I can’t bear to look at him, at any of them, seeing me break down, yet again, is embarrassing as hell and overly fucking exhausting for everyone.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my shoulders deflating as I start to relax into him.

I need to apologise to Huxley. My eyes try to search him out, finding him through the open door, sitting on the bottom stair, his head in his hands.

“Do-does h-he hat-hate me?” I whisper, my voice breaking more through my chattering teeth as I look at the defeated man.

“Who?” Kacey asks me, his grip tightening around me, my bare breasts squeezed harshly beneath his corded forearm.

“Huxley,” I choke out, emotional tears pricking the back of my eyes as I watch his shoulders heave.

“No, he doesn’t hate you, he’s upset with himself, he’ll be okay. He’s not upset with you, Sweetheart,” Kacey reassures me, but I know I did that to him, my beautiful caramel skinned, dark eyed boy.

I broke the man who isn’t afraid of being broken because he isn’t afraid ofanything.

As I stare at him, his position doesn’t change, he doesn’t move. He just sits like that for as long as I’m in the shower with Kacey before a dark figure blocks my view. Without looking at me, Max drops a pile of fluffy white towels onto the floor in the open doorway and moves over to his friend. Max grips Huxley’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze before sitting beside him. Speaking quietly, he drops his arm around his friend’s shoulder, pulling him in for a sideways hug.

“I wa-want to get o-out, Kacey,” I say, my body feeling fucking hypothermic.

Without a word he turns off the water and scoops me up into his arms.

Hissing through my teeth at the burning sensation across my abused skin. He places a small towel on the closed toilet lid, sitting me on it before wrapping my shivering body in two more oversized bath sheets. When he’s stripped off his wet clothes, slinging them into the shower with a splat, he wraps a towel around his waist. Towel dries my hair and scoops me back up. Clutching me close to his chest like I’m something precious to him, walking me past my other boys.Boy.I internally scold myself; Max isn’t mine anymore. I don’t think he ever really was. Something inside me hisses and growls at that but I ignore my demon, now is most definitely not the time for that.

Kacey sits down on one of the navy couches with me in his lap. Wrapping my bleeding hand tightly in another small towel, dragging me in against his chest, gently running his big hand up and down my stinging back. Resting my chin on his broad shoulder, I peer over at Huxley and Max.

“I keep hurting everyone,” I say on a soft exhale. “This won’t work, Kace,” I breathe in defeat.

Finally realising that this is exactly the type of life we would always have. We’ll have a few good days and then something someone does or says will trigger me or I’ll have a manic episode where I hurt everyone around me. Until one day, I just wind up killing someone and that is something I cannot live with. I’d never forgive myself if I hurt one of my boys.

“Stop it, I don’t wanna fucking hear that shit,” Kacey bellows at me.

Gripping my upper arms painfully, shaking my towel covered body, my chattering teeth rattling inside my skull. I lean back to see his face, he’s angry, really angry, because I’ve hurt his friend which means I’ve hurt him too. I try to shuffle myself from his lap, but he grips me even tighter, making me wince.

“I’m not fucking doing this with you anymore. We fucking told you we were all in, that includesallthe parts, not just the good. I swear to god, you’re killing me. Stop trying to fucking run away from us. We’re gunna work through this together,” he growls but it’s not even anger in his voice anymore, it’spain.

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