Page 20 of Penance

“I-”

Stopping myself, I swallow the lump in my throat, nuzzling my face into his neck, pressing my lips to his pulse I kiss it softly.

“I’m sorry. I just don’t want to hurt anyone, I love youall,” I say sadly, trying to explain.

Kacey doesn’t speak, he just clutches me tighter to him. His grip hurts but I know he needs this, so I don’t say anything. I just sit quietly while he keeps me close because I need it too. I’m pretty sure he already knows what I have to do next but neither one of us says anything, and although I fucking hate myself for it, that’s once againmyissue, not theirs.

It’s only as I close my eyes, I realise I saidall.

Chapter5

Huxley

“Morning, Hux,” Nox grumbles.

Slinking into the kitchen from the back garden, the door slamming shut in the cold wind behind him. His feet bare; wet with dew from the frosty grass, loose, black joggers, cuffed at the ankles. Another cigarette already tucked behind his ear, dark bags beneath his bright blue eyes. Nox yawns, scratching at the day-old stubble shadowing his jaw. He ruffles fingers through his jet-black hair, the length a lot longer than when we were away fighting. Pushing it away from his forehead, he sits on a bar stool.

I shove a mug of coffee across the counter, black, no sugar, extra hot. The way he’s been drinking it for the last ten years that I’ve known him. He puts the steaming mug to his lips, immediately swallowing down the scalding liquid and I cringe. The boy can’t have any fucking taste buds, he must have burnt them all away by now, surely.

“Mornin’,” I rasp, tiredness thick in my throat.

“Huxley,” Nox sighs, pushing his thick, straight hair back from his face again.

Another habit. We’re all full of strange tics in this house it seems.

“What?” I reply curtly.

“It’s not your fault,” he tells me coolly.

Fingers laced together, clasped around his mug, he leans forward on his forearms, his eyes seeking mine.

“I should have been more…” I pause, finding the right words, sighing in frustration.

My hands planted on the marble island, I drop my head forward between my shoulders.

“Sensitive.”

“Huxley,” Nox’s well practised Lieutenant voice cracks like a whip, my eyes automatically snapping up to meet his.

Old habits die hard.

We needed Nox out in the field, he kept everyone in fucking check, never steered our platoon wrong. We only nearly lost one of our trio once and that was only Nox’s fault because he put his trust in me.Isteered us wrong.

“It’snotyour fault.”

Those words feel familiar too. Nox said those exact words to me when we nearly lost Kace. I felt responsible then, too. It was me who said it was clear, I was wrong. I barely survived being at war as it was, let alone having to do it after watching my brother die. It makes me sick just thinking about it. Every time that thick scar across Kacey’s throat catches the light I clench my jaw.

I nod, slowly, agreeing to a certain degree. Deep down, I know it’s not entirely my fault, but I still feel somewhat responsible. She hasn’t freaked out like that with Kace. I must have donesomething.

“She’s scarred,” Nox says nonchalantly.

Emotionless, like he really couldn’t give a fuck either way. Just tossing out a piece of information like it means nothing when we both know that’s not true. He spoke about the white-haired love of his life every night when we were deployed.

“You understand that, Hux, you probably better than anyone. I know you feel bad, that’s your girl,” he says that last part roughly, losing his carefully polished mask for a moment.

Pushing his coffee cup back to his lips, “she loves you, she wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

I nod again, swallowing the dry lump that’s been lodged in my throat since yesterday.

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