Page 21 of Penance

I had my family’s doctor come look at her hand, it needs surgery, he said. Tendon damage, maybe a nerve issue. Kyla-Rose wasn’t listening, didn’t hear a single word the Doc said, staring off into space. Those too large eyes swirling with darkness as she remained bundled in Kacey’s huge arms. Refusing to be pulled from him, her nails clawing into his forearm, ensuring she stayed put. An ache I didn’t know I could feel, ripping my insides open as I watched her disappear inside herself. I listened to the Doc though, guilt eating away at me with every word he said. After all, it’s my fault she ripped the wound open in the first place. She slept with Kacey last night, he took her upstairs once she’d fallen asleep with him on the sofa and we didn’t see either of them again.

Nox and I sat up together, down here with the TV on, neither of us watching it. Him talking and trying to comfort me all night, distract me. Neither of us slept. It took everything in me not to ask him about their history. I need to know, to understand, tofixthings. But I didn’t. We just went silent after a few hours. Both lost inside our own heads. I’ve seen some shit in my life, but never something quite like that. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to unsee it, unfeelit.

I rub the back of my neck, anxiety and tension building up in the muscles there as I heave a deep sigh. I need to get my game face back on. I’m not a worrier usually, but this morning just feelswrong. I’m the one who’s usually cracking the jokes, making light of whatever shit we find ourselves knee deep in. But I justcan’ttoday.

“Maddox,” I finally utter, his full name falling from my traitorous lips like a prayer. Aplead.“I need to know,” I swallow.

Placing my green mug down on the island between us. Me standing, him sitting. He eyes me warily, ever the closed book.

“Why’d you leave her?” I ask even though it’s really not my business.

I’m the fixer. I’ll make it my business so I can understand. See it from all sides. Mend it, stitch all the shredded pieces back together again.

Nox’s face scrunches, his usual bitter scowl momentarily disappearing as he rubs a hand over his face, his other hand clasping his coffee mug so tightly his knuckles blanch.

“It’s not really right to tell you,” he sighs softly, unusually gentle, his words just an echo of his usual heavy tone. “Beforeher.”

I nod once, resigning myself to my fate of not knowing, possibly ever. Because the likelihood of those two stubborn arses having a conversation where neither one interrupts the other and no one ends up with a slashed throat, is slim to none. I wonder if they’d let me mediate. Well, probably not. It’s definitely worthy of a private conversation. That’s what worries me actually,Christ, look at me! Still worrying!

“But I will,” Nox rasps.

That gets my attention, my internal bullshit ramblings coming to an abrupt halt as my dark eyes snap up to meet his bright ones.

“You know I told you about the Southbrook gang?” he asks, his eye twitching at the mere mention of them.

I nod silently in response, knowing any interruptions could cut him off. He’s like the plug stopper in a bath that is suctioned so fucking tight it’s impossible to drain the water out. That’s what Nox is like with all his fucking secrets.

“Well then, you’ll remember that when I was fifteen, I joined up, just dealing weed in the hallways at my high school. It wasn’t anything heavy, no blood spilt, no fighting, nojobs. I just got my weekly weight, got told what to sell it for and that was it. Then when I left school, I moved up. Went to the streets, pills, powders. You name it, I could sling it. It was easy money as far as I was concerned. Then I got the odd muscle job, beat someone just enough to teach them a lesson. Every week my tasks got a little more violent, a little extra threat in the requests, things to make me prove my loyalty. I panicked, thinking of Gran and Lala. I didn’t want their names tossed around as a way to get to me, so I cut Lala off completely. Told her I wasn’t interested in hanging out with little girls anymore.”

“To protect her,” I murmur in understanding.

He nods, “anyway, by the time I hit eighteen, that apparently wasn’t going to cut it anymore.” Nox swallows another sip of his coffee, his turquoise blue eyes shining. “For myinitiationI had to take someone out. I put it off for as long as possible, always coming up with excuses. I was scared fucking shitless. I didn’t wanna kill someone, I just wanted to make money for my future. Get my girl out of her toxic fucking household, it’s not like every-fucking-one hadn’t tried already. So stubborn, so fuckingloyal,” he growls as though that’s an insult, but there’s appreciation in his tone.

There’s nothing Nox finds more attractive in a person than their unwavering loyalty.

“So, one day I get given an ultimatum, I have to hit my target tonight orshe’llbe the target. I didn’t give a shit about threats againstme, but not against her, so I had to do it.Even if she thought I hated her, I watched her everywhere she went, everyone she spoke to, saw every boy shekissed,” he hisses, and I can’t help the light chuckle that escapes.

Nox’s eyes narrow on me. I pull my pinched finger and thumb across my lips, pretending to zip and lock them up, tossing the imaginary key over my shoulder. I waggle my eyebrows at him, he shakes his head, but he smiles.

It’s what I’m good at, relaxing a situation, making people smile. I haven’t got anyrealtalents, but I can do this.

“That’s the night it all happened, one of my boys told me he saw Lala walking in the dark, thought I’d wanna know. I instantly panicked in case someone grabbed her to get to me anyway; I thought I’d hidden my affection towards her so well,” he scoffs, like he should have known better. “So, I went to look for her. Then, well, you know the rest I’m sure,” he looks up at me in question.

“The short version,” I confirm, and he winces.

“My time was running out, I had to leave her, I shoulda took her with me, taken her home. I don’t know, I thought leaving her there, she’d be safe,” he sighs heavily, running a hand through his thick hair. “I think about it all the fucking time, what I coulda done different, what I shoulda said, where I shoulda taken her. I should have gone back sooner. It’s the only thing in my entire life that I regret. I don’t know how to fix any of this, Hux,” Nox’s voice cracks with his confession.

I reach across the counter. Cupping the back of his head I draw him forward, pressing my forehead against his. His eyes closed, his breath shuddery as he tries to keep his emotions locked down tight, like if he lets one slip it’ll completely ruin him.

“I’ll help you,” I promise, “you can fix this.”

He nods against me, and I release him to stand back up.

“You’ve gotta stop being an arsehole,” I tell him. “I know that’ll be difficult for you since you currently sit on the throne and all. But you need to fucking try. Because if she decides to come down those stairs this morning and strangle you, I’ll let her,” I tell him.

“I know.”

“You’ve gotta make it up to her. You cannothaveher. She is notyours.Currently she’s mine and Kacey’s, she could beours.But you have to learn to fucking share, Maddox, because Kacey and I, we’re not giving her up. You know what Kacey’s obsessions get like and even I can see this is different. He’ll gut you over her, he fuckinglovesher.Ilove her. You don’t get to be all jealous and possessive. And thenifshe forgives you, you don’t get to come in and steam roll everything to rebuild it toyourliking. Everything is toherliking or not at all. Am I clear?”

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