Page 9 of Penance

I pale, I stop breathing, I stop moving. The useless organ in my chest hammers blood through my lifeless body as I grit my teeth and nod my head. The only part of his threat that has any effect on me is the part where he said she has feelings for me.Fucked up feelings,but still, any feeling is better than no feelings at all, right? Well, whatever they might be, I’ll take them. Even if she wants to chain me up and torture me, I’ll fucking take it. Anything to get even a second’s worth of attention from her. I need her to see me.

“Grem, rope,” Charlie orders Tommy.

The nickname new but their relationship clearly not. I’m trying to piece all these things together. Tommy is Gremlin. Kyla-Rose was referred to as boss. Charlie ordering Tommy around. It appears the baby Swallows are moving up in the ranks.

Seconds later Tommy moves back through the still open front door, handing a thick loop of black rope over to Charlie. Gracefully moving back through the living room, Kacey once again shifting to one side, his eyes never leaving Lala. She looks up at Charlie, giving silent permission. Within a couple of minutes, Charlie successfully ties her trembling body to the chair, her arms free, the knife still protruding out of her hand.

The silence in the room is deafening.

“What do you want me to do?” Charlie asks her softly and she shakes her head.

“I don’t know, Charl. All I know is if I get out of this chair, I swear, I’m gunna kill someone. Don’t let me do it, Charlie,” she rushes out, her chest containing a sob.

He smooths his large hand over her hair. She closes her eyes, like a pet to his master, she leans heavily into his touch. Although looking between the two of them, it appears Charlie’s the pet and Lala’shismaster.

“Can you tell me what’s going on, Darlin’? I’m worried sick about you over here. I don’t want to pry, but you’re scaring the shit out of me,” Huxley says suddenly, breaking the tense silence.

The way he looks at her with such despair, I canfeelthere’s something going on there, the air crackles and ripples between them.

“I-” she starts, swallowing the sob caught in her throat, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

She looks up at Kacey, who cups her face with a lover’s touch, tracing his thumb over the apple of her cheek in comfort.

Please don’t let this be happening to me.

He can’t have her.

She was always meant to be mine.

There will never be anyone else for me.

“No,” I choke out.

The wind knocked out of me without the need of physical contact this time. No, the realisation that my best friend is interested in the love of my life has my heart faltering in my chest.

“No, what?” Huxley frowns at me, his dark brows pulling together as he looks at me. “You wanna explain to me what the fuck’s going on, Nox? Becauseyousure as shit have some fucking explaining to do,” Huxley growls and I fist my hands in my hair.

Charlie releases his hold on her, entering the small kitchen, he starts pulling open drawers, carelessly riffling through them.

“This ismyMax,” Lala confesses quietly.

The way she saysmywith such disappointment guts me to my core. Both men snap their attention onto me.

“I think this is the universe’s way of saying fuck you,” Lala laughs bitterly with a grimace, finally wincing at the pain from her hand.

“Lala,” I breathe, and she slams her eyes shut at the sound.

“Please don’t call me that,” she whispers, her words a little slurred and my face drops.

Charlie starts wrapping tea-towels around her impaled hand, the white and blue checked fabric quickly turning red, and I just stand there as everyone works around me. Tommy on the phone explaining her injury. Kacey kneeling at Lala’s feet. Charlie keeping her wound bound, trying to stem the blood flow and I’m just standing like a useless statue. Everything moving around me and I’m not able to do anything about it.

I don’t know what to do or say, she can’t evenlookat me. I’m destroying her without even trying. My beautiful brave girl,where did you go?Three pairs of angry male eyes continuously flicker to me, waiting for me to say something,dosomething and I’ve never felt more weak or useless in my entire existence.

Because that’s all it’s ever been without Lala, a pitiful existence, not living. I could never truly live without her. When I was deployed, I was reckless, unruly, I didn’t watch myself, I didn’t care. I tried to contact Lala before I left, but she refused all my contact attempts at that juvie. I sent her a letter every chance I got when I was deployed, for years I wrote to her and she never wrote back.

When I went back for her that night it was already all over, the warehouse was nothing but steel bones and ash and she was long gone. I never should have left her, but if I hadn’t, we wouldn’t have lived to see another day anyway. I thought she would have never survived without me, everything I’ve ever done has been for her, until we were separated, and I regret everything about that night every day. But she left me too. I’m not the only one guilty here, she leftme, and I neededher.

Rage suddenly fills me, dragging up the past and slamming it into the present. Why is Kacey looking at her like that? Why is she looking at him like that? What’s Huxley so goddamn protective over? Unless they’ve both fucked her, oh god, I’m gunna be sick. White hot rage prickles over my skin like flames licking at my flesh. As though I’m only just now realising the severity of the situation. My hands fist at my sides, my teeth grinding each other into dust. My carefully disguised temper just can’t stay hidden anymore and I do the only thing I can.

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