Page 144 of Chaos

“I don’t,” I insist because it isn’t funny at all yet still, I chuckle again. “It’s just he used to… You know that awful thing people say?‘I’d have to be drunk to hook up with them?’Ricky usedto say to hook up with me,Ihave to be drunk. Because Drunk Lottie is the only version of me anyone likes.”

God, he said that all the time. So often. And I never called him out on it, I never stopped him, I ripped into him for so much of the inane shit he used to spout, but not that. Because I believed him. Because I agreed.

Pity. That’s what creases Finn’s face. There one second, gone the next, replaced by forced, jarring indifference. “Okay.” He scrubs a hand down his face, the only hint of agitation he lets me see. “Go to bed, Lottie.”

“I didn’t kiss him back.” I told him to go fuck himself, among other things. I told him to never touch me again, to never see me again, to never think about me again because I sure as fuck would never be thinking about him, and then I got the hell out of there.

Finn doesn’t care; he only repeats himself.

That’s it. That’s all I get. A gruff command.

I messed up, fine, I acknowledge that, but… what? He just won’t talk to me now? He’s just changed his mind? He doesn’t like me anymore? I fuck up once and he’s done?

That’s not how it works, right? It can’t be. That’s notfair.

“That’s not fair,” I repeat aloud.

And then I walk out of his room because I don’t think I have it in me to hear his dismissal a third time, but I don’t go to bed. I clomp back downstairs. Swiping at my wet eyes with one hand, I yank the front door open with the other, letting it slam shut behind me because who cares if I wake everyone up? If I piss them off? If Finn’s mad at me, I’m sure they are too. I’m sure everyone is just fucking furious that I’ve upset their golden boy.

Fine.Fine. Be angry. Whatever. Like I said, I can handle it.

Besides, I think as I stomp down the porch steps,I’ll probably be gone by tomorrow anyway.

I’ll be halfway to God knows where before they’ve even had their first cup of coffee. Because there’s someone who’s probably even angrier at me. Someone who’s going to kick me off the ranch the second she gets a whiff of me. Someone my clumsy feet guide me towards now, like they know,Iknow, it’s the right thing to do, Ishouldgo, Ricky was right and I don’t belong—

A hand clasps around my bicep and yanks me to a stop. “What’re you doing?”

Shaking Finn off, I carry on in the vague direction of the main house. “I have to talk to my sister.”

“It’s the middle of the night.”

“I need to talk to her,” I insist, almost tripping when I have to dodge him again. “I have to tell her.”

“Hey.” Far more nimble than my drunk ass, Finn ducks in my path, body-blocking me. “Stop, Lot. What’s going on?”

A horrible, painful noise rips from my throat, from my fucking soul. “I’mdrunk, Finn.”

Two hands rise. Hesitate. Gingerly hover above my shoulders. “I know.”

“I drank.” My voice cracks—my heart cracks too. “I was supposed to get my chip tomorrow, but I drank, and now I have to tell Lux and she’s gonna hate me again, she’s gonna make me leave again, and—”

“Hey, hey, hey.” Fingertips splay across my shoulder blades and gently dig in. “Slow down, I don’t understand. What chip?”

My eyes flutter shut, a whimper fluttering my lips. Hot, heavy rivulets streak down my cheeks, burning my skin, slickening my palms when I cup my face in a pointless attempt to hide.

I can’t. Finn won’t let me. Fingers loop around my wrists and tug my hands away, folding them within his own, and I try so, so hard to stifle the sobs wracking my body, but they won’t stop.

And neither will the admission that pours out of me when I suddenly lack the energy to hold it in anymore.

“That DUI I told you about,” I rasp between ugly, heaving breaths, “I didn’t get community service for it. I got court-mandated rehab. Like,rehabrehab. Like the one you picked me up from. Like…” I sniff, I try to catch my breath, I try not to vomit as pure mortification, pure shame, slams into me like a tidal wave. “For alcoholics.”

I can’t bring myself to look at him, but it doesn't matter. I feel the slow dawn of realization. I hear his lips part with a huffed exhale. “Oh, Lottie.”

“Don’t.” I step back, out of his grip once more, away from that searingpity. “I gotta go, I need Lux.”

Again, Finn grabs me. Tighter than before—tender. A hand in mine and another on my face. “I’ll call her,” he promises, thumb desperately swiping at the tears that won’t stop coming. “I’ll call her, okay? Just come back inside. Please, baby.”

He does it on purpose, I think. He knows.Baby. My little, pathetic weakness.

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