Page 146 of Chaos

In a matter of seconds, I relent. “I’m sorry.”

Lux says nothing.

Digging the meaty part of my palms into my eye sockets, I try and fail to scrub away the unrelenting itch plaguing them. Just like I try and fail to cough to clear the raw rasp to my voice. “I’ll get a ride to my meeting later and then I’ll, uh…”

Eyes burn the side of my face.You’ll what?my sister silently challenges.

I swallow. “I’ll go. Get a bus or something.”

Still, she says nothing.

“I know we said six months,” I continue, even as my throat constricts. “And I know I still owe you. I’ll get a job. I’ll pay you back. You can keep the money, I don’t want it.”

“So, what?” she finally deigns to speak, and it’s not at all what I expected. Not angry. Not chiding. Just… tired. As tired as I feel. “You’re just gonna disappear again?”

“I broke the rules. Isn’t that the consequence?”

I hold my breath as I wait for an undoubtedly affirmative response. For the confirmation that this is my last morning here. That I’ve decimated my nine lives.

“I owe you an apology.”

A shocked splutter whooshes out of me. I almost tumble right off the ledge with how violently I turn to my sister. “What?”

“I…” Lux starts, staring at her hands, and it’sherwho looks cowed, who looks ashamed. “I knew you were gonna drink the second you left Bishop’s and I didn’t do anything. I didn’t stop you, didn’t come after you, and I should’ve.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not yours either.” Shining eyes flit to me, hold my gaze steadfastly. “You’re an addict, Lottie. You’re sick. And I’m sorry I’ve been treating you like this is just another case of bad behaviour instead of what it is.”

My mouth gapes, nothing coming out.

“You’re not disposable, kid. I’m so, so fucking sorry I ever made you feel like that. You’re not going anywhere, do you hear me? I won’t let you. I don’t want you to.”

Turns out, I do have some tears left. A lot of them, apparently, and as they start to fall, my sister carefully bundles me in her arms with a gentle shush.

Lux holds me and it’s nice. So nice that I forget that I don’t like to be touched—I start to wonder if I’ve been pretending all along, that really, I’m just not accustomed to casual affection, not equipped to accept it.

“I am so fucking proud of you, kid,” she whispers against my cheek, right beside my ear, as if she’s giving the words the best chance possible to find their way inside me and stick. “Last night doesn’t change that. It doesn’t erase those three months. I will always be proud of you, and I will always want you, okay? No matter how much we fight, no matter how much we think we hate each other, I am always gonna want you to be my sister. You’re my girl. I need you to know that.”

Eyes stinging and heart swollen, I can’t do anything but nod.

“Last night changes nothing,” she repeats, she insists, and I stiffen because she’s wrong.

She’s so, so wrong.

“Finn…”

Though I can’t see it, I feel her gaze soften—sympathize. “He’s working.”

“He’s mad at me.”

“Hm.” Gentle fingers tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “He was pretty upset yesterday.”

I shut my eyes again. Suck in a breath. Shift so my face is smushed against my bent knee, so the words I dare to admit are muffled—to keep Lux from hearing them, or to keep myself from, I’m not sure. “I really like him.”

“I know you do.” The weight of her head settles on top of mine. “You’ll fix it.”

“I don't think he wants me to.”

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