Page 200 of Chaos

Swallowing, I smooth my clammy palms down my thighs, figuring I should probably get up, but lacking the energy to do so. I can barely muster up a croaky, “Hi.”

Mrs. Akello, Finn’s mom, I don’t know what I’m supposed to call her, returns the greeting apathetically. She shifts her gaze from my face, dropping it to my hands, and I don’t know if it’s the rusty tinge still staining my skin that has her rolling her lips together, or if it’s the horseshoe still clutched between my fingers. She stares long enough for even more discomfort than I’m already feeling to wash over me, to make me squirm and shift so my hands are hidden beneath my thighs.

Though, locking gazes with her again is hardly any more comfortable. “He’s asking for you.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

She looks like she agrees, but still she says, “I’m gonna have to insist.” She drops to her haunches, resting her elbows on her bent knees. “My son said he’ll come get you himself if he has to.”

“Just tell him I’m not here.”

“He won’t believe me.”

“Then I’ll leave.”

“I don’t think you will.”

No. I won’t. I can’t. But I can’t go in there either. “Listen—”

“Charlotte,” she cuts me off, and I wince at my full name, at her tone, at the unwelcome, throwaway realization that I can’t remember the last time my own mother said that name; I was always Lottie to her. Bracing her hands on her knees, she pushes upright again, gesturing with a flick of her hand for me to get up too. “Come with me.”

She takes off before I can object any more.

As the chapel doors swing in her wake, I get up. On numb feet, I follow her out into the hallway, that pesky dread settling a little deeper with each unsure step. She doesn’t check if I’m behind her, but she does slow her brisk pace, and when shefinally reaches what I guess must be Finn’s room, she pauses outside. As I cautiously approach, she watches me. She opens her mouth only to quickly shut it, to blink, to nod once before opening the door and quite literally shoving me into the room.

As she breezes inside herself and takes up guard at her son’s side, she announces. “Found her.”

Every eye in the room shifts to me.

I don’t meet a single one of them as I dither in the doorway. Instead, I stare at the neckline of the thin hospital gown covering the chest I watched get ripped apart, and I wish the ground would swallow me whole.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone approach me—Mr. Akello. As cautious as his wife, but when I briefly glance his way, I’m met with a softer, warmer smile. He doesn’t look at me like I was holding the gun that maimed his son.

I really, really wish he would.

“We’ve heard a lot about you, Lottie.”

Shards of glass line my throat, tearing into it as I return the sentiment before dropping my gaze once more. I cross my arms over my chest, pressing my fingers against the hidden scab on my arm until I feel it tear.

“Alright, everyone.” A loud clap behind makes me jump, and I shift to the side as a nurse putters into the room. “Visiting hours are over.”

I don’t know if I’m disappointed or relieved. I do know I’m the first to step towards the door, I know I’d probably be the first one out if a quiet murmur of my name didn’t have me freezing in place.

Clearing his throat, Finn hits the poor woman with the sweet, soulful eyes I know first-hand are so damn hard to say no to. “Can my girl stay a little longer?”

The nurse squints and Finn pouts and my heart hurts, and I almost want her to say no, but she doesn’t. She sighs. “Five minutes.”

Flashing a smile,thatsmile, Finn winks. “I promise.”

The nurse huffs like she doesn’t believe him. Checking him over one last time, she shuffles out of the room, beckoning for everyone to follow. Finn’s mom nods without looking at me, his dad pats my shoulder, and then the door clicks shut and it’s just us.

“Can you look at me, please?”

Slowly, reluctantly, I lift my gaze.

Finn is smiling. Of course, he is. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

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