Page 215 of Chaos

Finn snorts as he briefly drops his shaking head to my thigh before peering up at me through his lashes. “Baby, God knows when I propose, I’m tying you down first.”

If ever there was a sign of my progress, it would be the distinct lack of a Lottie-shaped hole in the wall at thewhenof it all. “That’sextremelyunromantic.”

“Yeah, well, my girl doesn’t like that shit.”

I snicker, but the amusement doesn’t take. Not with Finn looking at me like that while stroking his thumb along the goddamn ring he just put on my finger. “Ebony is for protection,” he murmurs. “Power. Luck.”

That last one makes me gulp—God knows I might need a little of that today. “On the scale of romance, I think a promise ring ranks pretty high.”

“It’s not a promise ring.”

“Not a promise ring,” I drawl, teasing. “Not an engagement ring. What is it?”

“Disappointed?”

“I mean, you give a girl a ring, she’s gonna get ideas.”

“Then I should probably wait a little before showing you the matching bassinet, huh?”

I laugh again, rolling my eyes as I dip to brush my lips against his. “Thank you. I love it.”

“I love you.”

“Not enough to marry me though.”

With a playful growl, Finn drags me back into bed.

And, just for him, I find a little time to spare.

“What the fuck is on your finger?”

Snorting, I drop onto the front porch between my older sister and brother, the latter of which hands me one of the many ice-cold cans of peach Crush his house is stocked with. “What does it look like?”

While I crack open my drink with one hand, Lux grabs the other, peering at its new adornment. “If you eloped, I’m gonna kick your ass.”

“If you eloped, I’m gonna kick Finn’s ass.”

“I’d like to see you try.” I jab an elbow into my brother’s ribs, smirking at the thought, before assuring them both, “We didn’t.”

Two sets of dark eyes stay narrowed. “Engaged?”

I laugh, shaking my head. “It’s just a ring, guys.”

“What’s just a ring?” Plopping down on the other side of our brother, my twin peers around him. “Aw. Finn made that?”

I hum, smiling as my gaze strays to the man nearby. A toddler on his shoulders and another hiding behind his legs, Finn stretches a hand out towards my free-roaming horse, letting Ruin sniff his fingers. As if he feels my eyes, he glances over and that smile of his grows, mouthing something I shouldn’t be able to make out from this distance, but I know.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that.”

I twist to squint at Eliza as she saunters outside, dropping to her haunches to wrap her arms around Lux from behind. “What?” I scoff, just a little defensive. “Someone loving me?”

All four of my siblings sigh. “You letting them, dummy.”

I roll my eyes, mumbling something about their dramatics but honestly, I can’t believe it either. I can’t believe that I fall asleep most nights with a man in my bed. Wake up and he’s still there. Brew him coffee while he makes me breakfast. Work with him, with the animals I love, withmyanimals. Sit on a porch and watch the fucking sunset while weaving wool and whittling wood. Kiss him and touch him and love him, and I’m still soscared, but it’s not as bad anymore. The nightmares persist, but they’re not as bad anymore either.

My therapist helps with those. Not the old man I meet every Sunday and sometimes not on Sunday too, nor the group we see together, nor the boyfriend I often find myself confessing thoughts to before I’ve even really thought them.

The professional, with a real degree and a compassionate manner and a neat office that I sit in once a week and fill with the sound of my own voice, with my feelings and my memories and my anger,God, I get out a lot of anger there, but it’s okay because then it comes out less everywhere else.

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