Page 56 of Timeless

But I needed her.

I guess it was greedy to try and convince her to give me another go, even though history highlighted my behavior in a not very colorful light.

I reached for her hand, and she was hesitant to give it to me.

“Jax, you should go to bed. Like I said, we can talk in the morning.” Her eyes slowly lifted, meeting mine. “Let me sleep on it. I’ll make a decision if you can see Jack overnight.”

“Nah, sweetheart I haven’t made my case yet.”

She smiled dimly. “Jax, you have.” She looked at me, and I knew what she was thinking.

She was going to run.

To Tae.

I wasn’t letting that happen. “Amber, I love you.”

She clenched her eyes shut just hearing it. “Don’t, Jax.” Her voice wavered in pain. Like hearing that was like taking a knife to her wrists.

“Just let me speak.”

“No.” She shook her head, opening her eyes. “You lost the right to say the words I love you to me years ago. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have pushed me away!”

Great. I thought this was behind us. But it looked like she wanted to yell at me about it. I guess I deserved every hurtful word she says to me.

“Go on, get it off your chest.” I encouraged her to keep going. If she yelled at me, got it out of her system, then maybe I’d have a better shot at telling her how I felt.

She looked up at me, frowning. “No.”

Okay. I wasn’t expecting that. “What do you mean no? You’ve had six years to dwell on what you would say to me. So, go on. Get it off your chest.”

I didn’t expect to see what I saw. She wasn’t yelling at me. She wasn’t going red with rage. She wasn’t screaming or cursing or telling me how she never wanted me in her life. Instead she was tearing up.

“You think I want to yell at you? You think I spend six years thinking of how I could hurt you?” She looked at me with disbelief. “You really think that?”

It made sense she did. “Yes.”

She shook her head and tears fell down her from her eyes, running her cheeks. “Jax. I’ve spent six years wanting to share things with you. I don’t hate you.” She surprised me again. “I’ve spent six years and four months being guilty! I costed you the first six years of your son’s life! Me. I did that. You honestly think I hate you? That I’ve been holding a grudge against you?”

She was blaming herself. It was a no-win situation. I wouldn’t have let her go do her sentence and if I had let her, she would have given birth in prison and they would have taken our son. And I would have been the one costing her the first years of Jack’s life.

She was a better parent than me. She was always better at everything, when we competed against each other.

“As the years went on, I was terrified of you finding out about Jack. I didn’t want you to do what you always did to me. I know how much it hurts when you walk out of my life.” Amber sat down on the edge of the bed, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I didn’t want Jack to experience that. So, over the years, I was scared of you finding out about him. I won’t lie about that. But then…”

“But then?” I encouraged her to keep going.

She looked up. “I just wanted you here. I wanted to call you and tell you Jack’s latest accomplishment. I wanted to share everything that was happening in our life with you.” She shook her head. “You don’t know how many times I called the prison reception trying to book a visit with you. Hell, once we, Jack and I got to the boarder and then I would remember.”

She looked me in the eye and I knew then that what she was going to say was going to hurt.

“That I don’t deserve you or him?” I took a stab at what she was thinking. It was the truth. No point lying. I never deserved Amber and I had never done anything remotely worthy of having a son. I didn’t deserve them. Simple.

“No.” She stood up and straightened up, taking a step-in front of me, her tears were slowing. “That you will always push us away. No matter how many times you told me you loved me, you never saw me as equal. You never had faith in me to be able to face the bad times. But most of all, Jax, you never wanted me beside you.”

She sighed and shook her head. “If you knew… if you had any idea what I’m going through right now, you would be doing what you do best.” She looked up. “Pushing me away and your son.”

I frowned. “What do you mean by what’s going on right now?”

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