Page 77 of Timeless

I just had to get her talking.

Her eyes locked with mine. I could get lost in the emotions that normally bloomed through her eyes- her happiness, laughter, and love but all I could see in her eyes right now was emptiness.

“I just didn’t want to live anymore.” She said it matter-of-fact, like it was normal. “So, I stopped living.”

“Because of me.”

“No because of my life,” she corrected me. “You saved me from a prison sentence, Jax. God. I had no right to blame you for what I was feeling. It was all me. I am a fuck up. And I knew I was going to screw up your child.”

Everything she was saying was hurting me. But I didn’t let it show. “What do you mean you stopped living?”

“Stopped eating. Stopped caring. I just stopped living.”

“Did you see a doctor?”

“Stopped seeing them when they wanted to put me on medication. Stopped going to the weekly check-ups for my pregnancy. Then they claimed I was a danger to myself and wouldn’t stop sending the police around to check up on me. So, I moved towns.” She shrugged like it didn’t matter. “I got peace when I moved.”

Holy fucking hell. Look at what I did to her! I didn’t know what to say. My Amber had depression. And I had caused it.

“I didn’t deserve to be a mother. So, I thought fate would know that and I’d lose the baby. So, I just…” She paused. “Didn’t get out of bed.” She looked at me, a dullness in her eyes. “I nearly killed your son. In fact, if Tae hadn’t tracked me down that week, I would have died in the apartment. Killing myself and Jack.” She turned her face away from me. “Bet your love for me is weakening now.”

“Why couldn’t you have pain relief when you had Jack?” I just had to get her to keep telling me the story. Without all the facts. I couldn’t help her.

“Tae found me bleeding out in bed. He called an ambulance, and I got to the hospital. They took me into surgery and at first, they thought Jack was dead already. Then they found a heartbeat. Which I thought they had mistaken, because after how I treated Jack, he should be dead. Anyway, his heartbeat was so weak, and the pain relief can cause it to drop. So, I said, no pain relief. You know, thinking, if he had managed to stay alive through everything I put him through, I might as well give him a fighting chance to make it.”

“Why didn’t they knock you out?”

“Because I wouldn’t let them.”

“They shouldn’t have fucking listened to you!” Any person with a brain would know no normal woman wants to be sliced open with no drugs.

“They didn’t have time to argue with me. Jack was dying. So, they sliced me open and I deserved every single bit of the pain I got.” Her expression hardened. “I deserved it. Because I had nearly killed him. I’m not going to lie. I was hoping I’d die on the table. I was hoping for that right up to the moment they put Jack on my chest.” She turned to look at me. “And then I saw your eyes.”

I didn’t realize how much damage I had done to her life. I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea that she had been that sick. That she wanted to die. I don’t know how seeing Jack’s eyes would change anything inside her, made sense if she hated him, because of what I did, and him looking like me… Yeah, it made sense if she rejected Jack.

“As soon as I looked into his eyes and saw yours.” She smiled at me weakly. “I fell in love with him right away. Since that day, Jack has always come first.”

“What about the depression?” As soon as the words left my lips, her eyes widened. Like I had just said a taboo word.

I put my hand on her cheek, turning her face to look at me. “Do you still have it?”

“I um…” She clenched her hands into fists and then sighed. “It comes and goes. Normally comes back worse on our anniversaries. Sometimes, I’ll be in bed for a week. But I always pull myself back together. For Jack. Jack normally stays with Chelsea around our anniversaries. Chelsea understands on our anniversary.”

I nodded. “Have you seen a doctor?”

She sighed. “Will made me go. I lied and said I went.”

“He believed you?”

“Yes. And since then, I hid it from him better. When I was… depressed.” It was like the first time she had said that word out loud. “Chelsea would take Jack and I’d tell Will I had to work late and start early. So, he wouldn’t come around.” She chewed her bottom lip. “Chelsea didn’t know how unwell I was. If she did, she would make me see the doctor. Like Will, I told her work was intense.”

“So, it isn’t just our anniversaries then?” I remembered she had said Chelsea knew about our anniversary.

“She knows one of our anniversaries. The day I left you in prison. The others she doesn’t know. Like our engagement. Your birthday. The night I got back from England and we got back together.” Tears slowly rolled down her cheeks and I wiped them away. “What can I say, when it comes to you I remember everything.”

I leaned more into the car. “You’re going to see a doctor. I’m taking you.” I wiped more tears off her cheek. I wished I could wipe away the pain that I created just as easy. I unclenched her fist, linking her hand with mine. “I’m not setting your health back.”

“Jax, you don’t have to take me to a doctor’s appointment. You aren’t responsible for me.” Her eyes dropped to our hands. “Thank you for caring. But I’ll be fine.”

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