Page 87 of Timeless

A feeling surfaced in me and so did a question that had run through my mind over and over. Her saying she didn’t want Will to be a permeant fixture in her life made that question get louder. “Why did you keep Jack? You wanted nothing to do with me. You wiped me out of your life. How could you have my child?”

Her eyes fell to the floor. “I know my pregnancy wasn’t great. I know my behavior was unacceptable. I didn’t deserve Jack. But I guess I always wanted to have your child. Ever since you mentioned it that night I got back from England.”

I couldn’t help but smile and I slowly walked toward her. “You don’t regret Jack?” I dropped the photo frames in the box. Will was in her past now, and so were those pictures.

“God, no! I’ve never regretted having Jack. He is a gift.” She shook her head quickly. “Don’t ever say the word regret and Jack in the same sentence.” She looked uneasily at me. “Do you regret me having Jack?” She had just told me not to use those two words in a sentence.

“Fuck, no.” I had to stop her thinking like that now. “God, Amber. I’m so proud of you for having him.”

She exhaled slowly, nodding. She turned back to the dresser but I put my arm out, blocking her way. “Sweetheart, have you slept?”

She shook her head, her eyes on the floor.

“Sweetheart, why not?”

She wouldn’t look up.

“You’ve been distracting yourself with Will’s shit, ignoring something, haven’t you?” I knew her behaviors. She was upset but it wasn’t about Will. “Come on, Amber, tell me what’s wrong.”

She shook her head. “Nope. I don’t deserve it.”

“Don’t deserve what?”

“To hear you tell me it’s okay. I don’t deserve to be reassured. I don’t deserve….” She was being hard on herself, harder than normal.

“It is about tonight, isn’t it?”

Her hands went on my arm. She was trying to pull my arm from around her. She was really determined on not getting reassured.

“Jax. Stop.”

“Sweetheart, you need to stop it.”

She clenched her hands, forming fists. “I can’t…” She was getting worked up. “Just leave, okay?”

I went behind her, my arm still around her. She was frozen and wasn’t coming to me willingly, as I pulled her back. “You going to make me pick you up?” I said behind her, as she wouldn’t come back to me.

I tried again, and this time, she came back to me. I pushed the box that was on the bed to the side, and sat down, bringing her to my lap.

“You’re upset about tonight?” I pulled her hair to the side, so I could see the side of her face.

Tears filled her eyes. Looked like I was right. She was nervously playing with her hands, trying to distract herself. And keep her emotions from me.

My arm was wrapped around her. My other hand ran down her back. “You are being hard on yourself.”

“Stop, Jax.” Her voice dipped into begging. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“You were doing what you thought needed to be done.” I unwrapped my arm from around her. “But you didn’t go through with it.”

And those words broke her control. She had been silently crying before now she was shaking crying.

“You didn’t do it,” I repeated myself.

“I…” Her words broke and she went to get up. Doing what she likes to do in situations like this and run.

I had to wrap my arm around her again, keeping her on my lap. “I know what is running through your head. I know you are beating yourself because you nearly left Jack without a mother.”

She clenched her eyes shut. “Jack’s biggest fear is me leaving him. He used to have nightmares about it.” She opened her eyes. “Look at what I was about to do to him tonight? I don’t even know why you are talking to me. God. I hate myself.”

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