Page 150 of Never Tell Lies

“Why are you still here? I haven’t bought you, and now I haven’t even pleasured you. Why are you still here?” How could a man be so powerful, so arrogant, yet also be so entirely uncertain of himself? I felt like I was gazing into the eyes of a man whose brain had been scrambled and put back together in the wrong order. Did he really think I would leave him in the absence of money or pleasure? The look in his eyes told me that yes, that was exactly what he expected me to do.

Swallowing down a rising wave of sadness at his sorrow, I leant in and I kissed his cheek. “Turn around.” I took his shoulders and tried to turn him, but of course he didn’t budge.

“What are you doing?” His eyes narrowed.

“Can’t you just humour me for once?” A tense silence hung between us until finally, as stiff as a board, he allowed me to turn him until his back was to me. His scalded skin had faded from a deep red to a light pink and I was relieved to see it healing.

I wasn’t sure what to do. This wasn’t exactly part of my plan, so I just decided to do what came naturally to me. I decided to care for him. I planted a soft kiss on his shoulder and left a trail of them across his shoulder blades, all the while feeling him tense as he tried to resist my affection.

I pulled him back to me until we rested against the edge of the jacuzzi, my legs cocooning him from either side. His body was stiff and uncertain, as if he wasn’t sure whether I was going to pull him to safety or shove him off the cliff.

He gripped my thighs and I could see the ticking of his jaw that told me he was far from happy about having control taken away. I began to massage his shoulders, working in small circles. I didn’t have any skill, but I poured care into my touch and hoped it would seep deep enough to ease whatever tension was inside him.

“Stop,” he said through gritted teeth.

“I can’t. You asked me why I’m still here and I’m about to tell you. If you still want to know?” I let the question hang in the air and after a moment he gave me the barest of nods. I tried to swallow my nerves. When I’d designed the Evergarden, I’d designed it for him, but I hadn’t imagined actually telling him about it. To lay my heart out for a man like Alfie was a terrifying thing. What if he didn’t like it? What if he didn’t feel the same?

I wrapped an arm across his chest, holding him close, and the other I sunk into his hair where it idled, gently stroking. His head wouldn’t quite rest on my shoulder—every inch of him seemed poised to either run or attack—but I swallowed my fear and forged ahead, deciding that if he was going to shoot down my offering, then at least I’d been brave enough to try.

“When I was little and my mum gave me my bleeding heart necklace, she told me what the tiny flower meant, and how her gift of it to me would be eternal proof of how much she cared for me. So, I took a page out of her book and I made something for you. Shall I tell you about it?” His grip tightened on my thighs but he nodded again.

“Close your eyes.” It took a moment, but he finally closed them, his jaw still ticking and his brows furrowed. “Imagine you’re at Harrington House. Imagine you’ve been at work all day, you haven’t been able to see me. That cold deadness I’ve seen on your face so many times has settled deep into your gut, and your mind swarms with the memories that haunt you. I want you to imagine you’re standing on the cold patio at the backof the House. You descend the steps and leave it behind you. You walk down the grass slope towards the dilapidated garden plot that you, Alfie Tell, gave to me.” My voice came in a breathy whisper, barely loud enough to echo. As I spoke, his head slowly lowered to rest against my shoulder. I pulled him in closer as I continued.

“You find the gap in the trees that once hid old stone steps that were as broken as a cold heart. I took those broken steps, pulled them out, and in their place I created new steps made of earth and soft grass. You take off your jacket, your waist coat and tie, and your shoes.” I planted a soft kiss at his temple and felt my own chest loosen as his breaths came easier.

“Over each step is a ten foot tall flower circle, covered with jasmine climbers interspersed with climbing roses. You descend the steps in bare feet, walking through each flower circle where bees hover, and your fingertips brush against the tiny white petals of the jasmine. The steps disappear you into a woodland cove, transporting you from the dark things hidden at the back of your mind and into the living, thriving place that can tell you everything I don’t have the courage to say yet.” I wondered if he could feel my heart hammering out of my chest. Never in my life had I laid myself out like this.

“At the bottom of the steps you find a curving path, not made from hard gravel but instead from a bed of sweet honeysuckle that takes you into a paradise extracted from my heart and planted out just for you. You leave behind the dull grey existence and are blasted into my world of colour. As you walk, either side of you you find a blended sea of yellow pansies and violet blue forget-me-nots. Their sweet aroma, combined with the honeysuckle and jasmine, fills the air. You breathe it in and it soothes you, easing the knot in your stomach and the tightness in your chest. It reminds you of my lips on yours, my arms around you, the affection in my eyes.” My words wove aroundhim like a spell, charming the tension to leave his body, his eyes to close, and the darkened planes of his sculpted face to smooth out into softer angles.

“You follow the path until it brings you to the centrepiece: a family of white lilies, proud and serene, nestled in a raised, moss-covered stone platform, and at the base, a large bed of bleeding hearts in pink, white, and red. You crouch down, Alfie. You admire the delicate petals and think of how many times you’ve gifted those flowers to me. You imagine how I buried my nose in every bouquet and felt my heart grow larger with your attention. You take a moment to soak in those memories allowing the good ones to erase even more of the bad, and then you stand, because there’s more to see. So much more,” I whispered and smiled as his iron tight grip on my thighs loosened.

“The honeysuckle path continues on and the seabed of pansies and forget-me-nots morphs into waves of bluebells and daffodils. You walk amongst them, the path curving to the right until it leads you to a proud cherry blossom tree. It sways in the breeze, and its pale pink blossoms fall and float, coming to rest on the water lily-littered surface of the pond beneath. The path takes you around the water’s edge and you catch a glimpse of a koi fish, its bright colours flashing in the sun-filled water. There’s room for you under the tree. You could even climb its branches if you wanted, but this time you sit underneath it and look out at the garden, ourEvergarden, that I made for you. Do you feel my heart, Alfie?” I whispered, as soft as a secret.

“Just as my mum picked the bleeding heart especially for me, I chose all of these plants for you. The jasmine means sensuality and faithfulness, the honeysuckle path means devoted affection and a happy life too. The pansies mean that I am thinking of you, and forget-me-nots mean so many things, but in this garden they mean fidelity and loyalty despite separation. Theyare reminders too, of happy times, and a symbol of growing affection between two people.” I paused, my heart pounding so hard at my speaking its innermost workings aloud. Was I really doing this? Was I really putting my heart in the hands of a man who could shred it so easily? Yes, yes I was, and I wouldn’t stop now.

“The bed of white lilies means that my feelings are pure and the bleeding hearts…well, I think you already know about those. Bluebells are for constancy and daffodils are symbolic of honesty and truth. The cherry blossoms are for kindness and gentleness and the water lilies mean that I’m pure of heart. These flowers can speak what I’m not ready to say, but mostly, they say that whatever I choose, the Evergarden, like my heart, is yours. For good or for bad, you have them both.” His breath caught at my final words and I knew he’d felt their impact. I couldn’t speak any more after that and we slipped into a serene silence, he wrapped in my arms, both of us wrapped in the setting sun.

I felt a part of him was gone from me now but it wasn’t to the cold dark place he usually went, it was to the haven I’d just created. His body was completely relaxed, his breathing easy and calm, the planes of his face smooth and unconcerned by anything. I held him in my arms as he floated and I watched as the sun finished its work for the day and the moon clocked in for its shift.

I didn’t know how much time passed before my eyes began to drop and I felt him stir and turn in my arms. He said nothing and neither did I, because no more words were necessary. Instead, as if he’d been doing it for years, he lifted me and I clung to him as he carried me to bed.

Fifty-Three

Last night had been one of the most beautiful nights of my life, but once again, the man I’d gone to sleep with hadn’t been the same one I woke up next to. Wednesday morning found me wrapped in a towel, staring at my clothes which were floating in last night’s jacuzzi water and trying to figure out this latest display of confusing behaviour.

I’d woken a while earlier to a sunrise and Alfie moving between my legs. He’d driven inside me with insistence and I hadn’t resisted. I’d wrapped my legs around him as my core welcomed him in. But what should have been a sweet lovemaking after last night had become something harsher. He’d taken me roughly. When I’d tried to cup his face he’d pinned my wrists above my head. When I’d kissed him he’d bitten my lip, and his punishing rhythm was nothing new, except this time it really did feel like a punishment. Yet every thrust only rode me higher and higher to my peak.

Then came the shower. He’d bathed me and washed my hair but rejected my attempts to return the affection. Then came the orgasms. Three of them. His fingers worked me relentlessly, his eyes on my face, soaking up my pleasure as if he was making up for what I’d refused to let him give me last night. I wish I couldsay that I understood it. I wish I could say that I’d made him stop, that I’d resisted his attentions and talked things through like a sensible person, but I couldn’t. What I’d done was cry out for more. I’d gushed into his hand and clung onto him when my legs gave way. I’d sunk my teeth into his shoulder and sounded my release with a guttural growl.

After the shower, I’d left him to dress and returned to the jacuzzi room where I’d abandoned my clothes the night before. But instead of finding my dress hanging on the towel rack where I’d left it, I found it floating in the tepid water. A sharp pang stuck in my chest at the sight. I hadn’t known what Alfie’s reaction would be to the Evergarden, but this hadn’t been it. So far, he hadn’t mentioned last night. It was as if it hadn’t happened at all, and his easy dismissal of my declarations was painful and confusing.

I stared at my clothes for another moment before heading off to find the man responsible. I found him at the bedroom mirror, fixing his grey tie into a sharp Windsor knot. I wondered if it was possible that the stone-faced man in front of me was the same one I’d held in my arms last night. He straightened his tie, decided it passed muster, and then turned his gaze to me. I crossed my arms over my towel-clad body, feeling vulnerable.

“My clothes are in the jacuzzi,” I said as calmly as I could, wondering what on earth his explanation could be.

“Oh really? How unfortunate,” he said, his expression not at all sorry. “It’s convenient then that you have a wardrobe full of clothes right here.” Then it clicked. Those clothes had been sitting in that wardrobe for weeks, unseen and untouched by me. He’d asked me more than once to wear them instead of my ‘worn out’ clothes, and I guess he’d run out of patience.

Was I pissed? Absolutely. Was I going to give him the satisfaction of throwing a tantrum? No. I would not.

---