Page 55 of Dreams and Desires

“It doesn’t matter,” she mumbles, her voice cracking. “I’m not the kind of girl guys want. Maybe it’s better; it's finally out of the way.”

I shake my head, disbelief and tenderness mixing into something almost painful. “Don’t talk like that. You’re incredible. Any guy would be lucky to have you,” I murmur, brushing my lips against hers, my hands gliding over her skin like I could erase every doubt she has. “You’re everything.”

I move slowly, making sure she’s okay with every step, focusing on her, and making this something good, something real. I kiss her again, softer this time, trying to convey everything I feel but can’t find the words for.

As we move together, the desperation fades, replaced by something gentler, more honest. Her hands grip my shoulders, her nails digging in as we find a rhythm that feels like more than just an act, more than just a moment.

She tightens her hold on me, pulling me closer, and I can feel the tension building in her body. Her breaths come quicker, and her body trembles as she edges toward something she’s never felt before.

When she finally reaches that peak, I hold her close, whispering soothing words, trying to make this about more than just the physical. Her body relaxes, her breathing slowing as the intensity fades, leaving us both in a quiet aftermath.

We lie there together and now the reality of what just happened starts to settle between us. It’s sinking in, I can tell by the way her face looks devoid of any expression. I brush a strand of hair from her face carefully, because I don't want her to regret this.

“Are you okay?” I ask softly, worried.

She draws one breath. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

It was her first time. That truth crawls under my skin. “Tell me if you feel any pain.”

Her hand smacks against my chest. She shoves me. Hard.

“Don’t act noble. I still hate you, Zade Patterson.”

She throws the words like she means every one of them, then gets off the bed and heads straight for the bathroom. I don’t move. I just watch the door close. Something twists in my gut. Not anger. Not sadness. Just this messy, quiet ache I can’t name. It sits heavy and won’t let up.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Juniper

When I come out of the bathroom, the room is almost dark, except for the little coming from the fire but its warmth barely touches the chill in the air. Zade is already dressed, standing by the window. His back is to me as he stares out into the night. Looking at him stand there, my emotions feel like a tangled mess, and I can’t seem to find the strength to sort through them.

When he suddenly turns, I immediately glance around the room. I have to avoid his gaze. I must. But how do I avoid the elephant in the room? The fact that what just happened between us was real. The guilt and shame are starting to settle in and I know I will overthink about it the entire night.

“I’m going to head out,” he says without looking at me. Perhaps he also feels the guilt, the shame I feel. Perhaps he thinks it was a mistake. There are so many perhaps in my mind.

“It’s freezing outside,” I say, kind of low, but it still comes out sounding more worried than I meant. The thought of him staying in the cabinmesses with my head because right now, I do not trust myself around him. But the idea of him maybe not making it through the night feels worse.

He glances out the window, where the snow is swirling in the wind, creating a white haze that makes the night seem even darker. He hesitates, clearly torn between leaving and staying. “So, I can stay?” he asks, unsure.

I finally look at him. “But you’re sleeping on the couch. There’s a blanket in the closet.”

He nods, looking relieved, and moves to the closet to grab the blanket. As he gets comfortable on the couch, near the fireplace, I go back to my bedroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I lean against the door for a moment, taking a deep breath as I try to steady myself. Everything feels so overwhelming.

The cabin is silent except for the howling wind outside and the occasional creak of the floorboards as Zade shifts around on the couch. Each sound grates on my nerve, reminding me that he’s still here, still close.

Frustrated, I grab a pillow from the bed and yank the door open. I hurl the pillow through the doorway with all the strength I can muster. “Here!” I snap, my voice sharp. “Use this if it helps you keep quiet!”

I hear a muffled “Thanks“ from the other side of the door, and then, finally, there’s silence.

I lie down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, but sleep won’t come. My mind is going in circles right now. I hate how messed up I feel, how much I want to push him away, yet some part of me wants to pull him closer. I’m torn, conflicted, and it feels likeI’m stuck in a never-ending loop of doubt and regret. Eventually, exhaustion wins, and I fall into a restless, uneasy sleep.

????????????????????

When I wake up, last night’s events do a quick recap in my mind, making it hard to move. But still I get up and walk out of my room and see Zade sprawled on the couch, half-covered by the blanket, his hair tousled and sticking out in different directions. He looks peaceful, almost vulnerable in his sleep, which only stirs up a confusing mix of emotions inside me. How can he look so calm, so unaffected, when I’m a complete mess?

I just stand there for a second, watching him breathe. His chest rises, then falls, like he is perfectly calm. Like none of this touches him. And honestly… he looks good. It was the first thing I noticed about him, and probably the reason I let my guard down so fast.

But I was not falling for him. I was getting played. He knew exactly what he was doing. Said the right things, made me feel seen, made me think I mattered. And then, just like that, he betrayed me. Now I feel my stomach twist, and not in a sad way. I feel angry. Like full-on, teeth-clenching angry. Because I just don’t want to go there again. I don’t want to want him. Not again. I have to be smarter this time.

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