Page 13 of Going for Three

She sucked her teeth. “Sex sells, Charm. Get over it.”

I removed the phone from my ear and stared down at it in disbelief. Tears swelled in my eyes before rolling down my cheeks.Get over it?How was I supposed to get over feeling like my sense of safety was at risk? Like I wasn’t being valued for who I was but only for what I looked like? There was no way to get over having a million people looking at you, but not one of them truly seeing you.

I didn’t expect her to understand, though. She’d long ago proven we had different mindsets. When I was younger, I was more likely to go along with whatever she wanted. At twenty-five years old, I was finally developing a mind of my own. When I thought about the woman I wanted to be, I didn’t see her on billboards wearing little to nothing.

“I won’t have to get over it because I’m not fucking doing it!”

There was nothing she could say to convince me otherwise. “I know you ain’t let my holy roller parents get in your head with that modesty bullshit. They’re old, Charmony. They don’t understand what it takes. God gave you the perfect body for it. All the girls want to look like you.”

I shook my head. “No. You made it the perfect body for this shit. No one would desire me half as much if you didn’t constantly try forcing me to be someone I’m not.”

“All I can say is the check already cleared, so you’re doing it…”

She was steady talking on the other end, but I tuned her out. I think the worst part of it all was knowing my mother was supposed to be the one to see me if no one else could. She saw what she wanted, and that was enough for her. I abruptly ended the call and tossed the phone down.

Walking into the bathroom, I gripped the edge of the sink so tightly my joints began to ache. Lifting my head slowly, I looked at the girl in the mirror. On the surface, there was nothing wrong with her. Not even one baby hair was out of place. But if you looked deeper into her eyes, you’d know she was flawless but also furious and fed up with this world.

I yanked open the drawer and pulled out what I was looking for. Walking over to my tub, I took a seat. I intentionally lifted the wrist without the tattoo. Right now, I didn’t want to be reminded of the joy to come in my future. I only wanted to make love to the pain of right now—the pain of being invisible… ignored… incapable of anything other than putting on a fake smile.

It happened in the blink of an eye, and I sighed in relief until the blood began to pour. Seeing red reminded me of the promise I’d made to myself to never do this again. How could I be mad about my mother not keeping her promises to me when I couldn’t keep them to myself?

The weight of my decision pressed down on me, and I began to sob. I tucked my wrist to my chest… crying, screaming, and drowning until I was completely empty. From that point, the only thing I could find the strength to do was tuck myself into bed. When the world turned into a pitch-black canvas behind my eyes, I sighed in relief. Finally, a slice of peace…

The vibrationsfrom my ringing phone woke me from my sleep. I fished underneath my body looking for it. I had to squint my eyes when the brightness of the phone screen nearly blinded me. It was late into the evening at this point, and I hadn’t scratched a single thing off my to-do list.

I dragged myself into a seated position, debating if I should answer the call. At the last second, I did. I reached for the lamp on my nightstand and quickly flipped it on. I cleared my throat seconds before an image of Kianis materialized on the screen. He was casually lounging on a couch with a wife beater on.

“Hi,” I greeted him as cheerily as I could.

He frowned and pulled the phone closer to his face. “You been crying?”

I wasn’t sure how he picked up on it so quickly. It seemed like there was no point in lying, so I told the truth.

“Uh, yeah. I got into it with my mama earlier about this photoshoot she booked me for.” I shook my head. “I really don’t want to do it. I really don’t want to do anything right now.”

Kianis was quiet on the other side of the phone, making me feel uneasy. Just when I almost regretted being vulnerable, he barked out an order.

“Pack a bag.”

“Huh?”

“You heard me. Pack a bag, and I’ma come pick you up in the morning. It sounds like you can use a break.”

“Where are we going?”

“Don’t worry about all of that.”

I giggled. “I need to know what to pack, silly.”

I rolled my eyes for emphasis.

“Oh, right. Only hint I’m giving you is the weather will be warm.”

I sighed in relief because a break somewhere tropical was exactly what I needed. A smile spread across my face as my answer came to mind.

“Okay… see you in the morning.”

Leaningagainst the side of my G-Wagon, I scrolled on my phone while I waited for Charm to come downstairs. Crazy enough, the wind began to blow, and I smelled her before I saw her. It was the hint of vanilla in her perfume that called out to me almost instantaneously. I lifted my gaze as she came through the sliding doors with her hips swinging and hair blowing in the wind.

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