Page 39 of Only When It Breaks

“Are you okay?” I whisper.

He nods, keeping his eyes closed as a strangled noise leaves his throat. I wait patiently, but when the burning becomes too much, I fidget, hearing a deeper groan from Kai. “If you keep doing that, this will be over soon,” he whispers.

I smile, realising he’s struggling to control himself. “Okay. Sorry.” I bury my face into his neck, my tongue darting out and tracing his ear. His head tips into my touch and I graze his lobe with my teeth. He growls again and I giggle.I like teasing him.

He releases a long breath and opens his eyes. The green is piercing as he begins to move, slow and careful, each thrust making me gasp with discomfort.

After a few more minutes, it doesn’t hurt as bad, and I begin to relax. I run my hand over Kai’s brow; his body is slick with sweat, and as he moves faster, he lifts my leg, hooking his hand under my knee and chasing his release at a punishing pace. And then he stills, his entire body tense as he groans in pleasure. His head drops against my chest, and he shudders, his shoulders slumping.

The room is silent apart from our heavy breaths. Kai drops down beside me, grabbing a tissue from the box on the side and removing the condom. I see red on the tissue and immediately sit up, horrified to find my inner thighs coated with blood. I mean, I knew I’d bleed, but I didn’t think it would be this much.

Kai brings me from my racing thoughts, pulling me to lay in his arms. “It’s okay,” he whispers, “It’s normal.”

“Is it?” I ask, “That much?”

He chuckles. “How do you feel?”

I shrug. “No different.”

“It’s never good the first time, I promise it gets better.”

I rest my head against his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. I don’t know what I expected. Fireworks? Instant euphoria? I just feel quiet. Like something has shifted inside me and I haven’t caught up with it yet.

“I’m sorry if it hurt,” he says softly, brushing a thumb along my arm.

“It didn’t really. I mean, yeah, a bit. But it was more weird, than anything. Like I was somewhere outside myself watching it all happen.”

He kisses the top of my head, and we lie there in silence for a while. His fingers are laced with mine. His body is still warm, and mine’s still shaky. Not in a bad way, just overwhelmed. “I’m glad it was you,” I whisper.

He tenses slightly, just for a second. Then his arms pull me tighter. “You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“I thought I’d regret it,” I admit, staring at the dark ceiling. “Not because of you. Just because ofme.Because I’m messed up. Because maybe I was trying to prove something, even I don’t know what.”

“You don’t have to prove anything,” he murmurs. “Not to me.”

Another beat of silence. My voice is barely a breath when I say, “Do you think I’m different now?”

He pulls back just enough to look at me. “You’ve always been different, Em. That’s why I couldn’t stay away.”

I stare at him for a long moment. “But now you’ve seen everything. The anger. The walls. The messy parts. And now this.”

He leans in and kisses my shoulder, slow and soft. “And I still want all of it.”

Kai

She’s curled against me, skin warm, breathing slowing. I stroke her back gently, watching her eyes flutter closed like she might fall asleep right here in my arms. But then she shifts, and I feel the tension creeping back into her shoulders. “I should clean up,” she says, her voice small.

I sit up first and reach for the hoodie that’s draped over the chair. “Yeah, okay. Come on.”

She winces slightly as she moves to sit up, and I grab the blanket, wrapping it around her before she can get self-conscious. She’s already seen the blood, already had that flash of panic. I don’t want her feeling ashamed on top of it. None of this is something to be ashamed of.

She stands slowly, clinging to the blanket like armour. I grab a towel from the bathroom and hand it to her before pulling on my boxers and stepping around the mess we made in Luna’s perfect house.Serves her right. There’s blood on the sheets, but I keep my expression neutral, like it’s no big deal, because it isn’t, not to me. But I know Emmie, and she’ll overthink it until she’s spiralling. “I’ll take care of the sheets,” I say. “You go clean up, okay?” She nods and disappears into the ensuite.

I strip the bed, roll the sheets into a ball, and toss them into the hallway. I’ll find a rubbish bin on the way out.

When she comes back out, she’s got damp hair, and a towel wrapped around her. Her eyes find mine across the room, and there’s something in them, something fragile and without her saying the words, I know she’s thinking about earlier and what those bitches did.

“I, um-” she hesitates, then glances at the heap of clothes. “I don’t want to put that stuff back on. I had my own stuff here; I think it’s still in Luna’s bathroom.

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