Page 55 of Tell Me You Love Me

Setting them down with a slam—one, two—I squint and search the mirrored wall at her back, making sure my lipstick is still cute.It totally is. Then I slide off my stool and turn. “I’m going out to the smoking area.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea! Alana!” Her voice carries over the music, announcing to the whole world my plans. But shit, who cares? The whole world is watching anyway. “Alana? Tequila and Tommy don’t mix.”

I merely lift my hand and wave goodbye, then I work my way through the crowd, their tightly packed bodies becoming leaning posts for me topretendnot to lean on.

I mean, to be completely and utterly objective, notallof them know who I am. And notallof them care what I’m doing. Some folks actually have better things to do and more important things to focus on. But damn, it feels like every pair of eyes in the place are on me.

Well, except for that one couple I pass, kissing with their tongues and grinding on each other…is that Eliza Darling?

“She sure grew up.” A soft, silly giggle weaves through my chest and out to touch the humid air. Then I shove the back doors open, surprising the Watkins posse crowd as they mill around a picnic bench and chug their own shots.

That’s what we do out here in Bumfuck Plainview. We drink, and we have sex with our high school sweethearts, and sometimes, we get the happily ever after.

It’s not guaranteed, though.

“You should probably turn around and go back inside.” Oliver Darling—sucha darling—scampers my way and becomes the first line of defense, protecting his sweet Tommy Watkins. “Alana?” He grabs my arms, holding me up when my legs tremble. “Go inside, sweetheart. This ain’t gonna do anyone any good tonight.”

“I’m sad about you too, just so you know.” I want to hug him. Punch him. Press a kiss on his cheek and ask him who he’s in love with. Because Oliver Darlingisa darling. He always was. “I know everyone is focused on Tommy right now and how horrible his bitch ex was to him. And of course,I’m focused on him most of all, ‘cos my heart hurts and my eyes cry sometimes. But you,” I poke his chest, digging my finger in just a little further to drive my point home, “you were my friend. You were the reason he had to bail you out of jail. And do you remember that time Tommy’s piece of shit dad beat the crap out of him? Like, I know there were lots of times?—”

“Alana, stop.”

“But you remember this one specific time I’m talking about. Tommy was home with a broken freakin’ sternum ‘cos his daddy stomped on him. He was sore and couldn’t get out of bed for a few days, and there was this guy giving me trouble at school.”

He’s back there. I see him. Tommy Watkins, glaring at me from the corner of his eyes while he takes his shot.

“I tried to make the guy leave me be, and I definitely wasn’t gonna trouble Tommy with it. He had his own stuff to worry about. But he grabbed me, you remember? Right here on my,” I look down, giggle-whispering, “he grabbed my boobs. That was thefirsttime some guy touched my body without my permission. You swooped in like my very own Superman and flattened that asshole. And then we promised not to tell Tommy.” Smug, I lean to the side and meet Tommy’s ferocious glare. “We kept a secret from you, Thomas. ‘Cos we didn’t want you to worry.” Then back to Oliver, I try, so, so hard to stop my jaw from trembling. “We were friends, and you cared about me, and I cared about you. And you’re a doctor now! Which is so freakin’ cool, especially since you were the idiot arrested for streaking that time. But I can’t even talk to you about any of this ‘cos you’re Team Tommy.”

“Alana…”

“And that’s fine.” I sigh. “Youshouldbe Team Tommy because he’s the best fucking human I ever met in my whole life. But I miss being part of that team, too.” I push him aside and stumble around, zeroing in on Chris perched on the table, his feet on the bench seat and his elbows on his knees. “And I’m sad aboutyoubecause there are different kinds of love in this world. There’s the love I have for him.” I point toward Tommy and ignore the way his eyes flash with… anger, probably. “Had. Have.” I shrug. “But then there’s the love I had for you. It’s different but still so special. I cry for you, too. Then and now. For so many nights, over so many years, I’ve laid in bed, begging for sleep, and wept for you. I never cried for Oliver.” I turn back, snickering. “No offense.”

He drops his hands into his pockets, raising his shoulders. “None taken.”

I bring my eyes back to Chris and search his dark, shadowed, and a little-bit-drunk gaze. “I love you like I would’ve loved a brother if I ever had one. Love the same way I love my child. You’re Team Tommy, too, and that’s entirely okay because you were his first. But I swear to you, it feels like I lost half of my soul when I lost you.”

I stumble closer and stop by his long, muscular legs. Which just so happens to be a mere three feet from Tommy.That bastard. “I hope you never know the pain I feel when I think of what I’ve lost. Because it’s unbearable. For the boy I left behind and the man I never got to know. I loved you, Chris, and the world was simply too cruel, too nasty and mean and harsh for what it did to us.”

Finally, I turn to Tommy andalmostlose it all. My stomach. My nerves. My grip on stand-up-ness. But one thing Idolose… my ability to speak.

“That’s it?” he growls. “You have sweeping declarations for them, memories, apologies, secrets, and heart fucking wrenching poetry. But you’ve got nothing for me?”

If I open my mouth, I’ll cry.

If I even try, I’ll fall to the floor, and, most terrifying of all, I probably won’t get up again.

“Say something!”

I startle and drown under the torrential tears flowing over my cheeks.

“Dammit, Lana!” He snatches up their communal bottle of tequila—not sure how they got that—and glares into my eyes. “You’re good at this, ya know? You were born with the natural fucking talent of hurting me.” Turning on his heels, he stalks across the gravel yard littered with cigarette butts and slams the back gate open, then he disappears into the darkness, the bottle tipped up and the liquid glug-glug-glugging into his mouth.

I start forward.

“Alana.” Oliver grabs my arm. “No.”

“Don’t tell me no!” I yank free of his grip and stride toward the gate. “Don’tevertell me not to go to him. You don’t get to make that choice.”

“You’re gonna kill each other! And the sad reality is, I’m not even joking. This isn’t safe.”

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