Page 81 of Tell Me You Love Me

Shit.

Fuck.

Goddammit.

Save me, please.

“Explain it to me,” he presses. “And don’t lie.”

“Tommy was someone who used to be very special to me.” I lay my cheek against my chair and nibble on my lips. The way my pulse thunders in my throat and ears, I swear, must be audible to my son and every farm animal within a hundred-mile radius. “For my whole life, before I left, Tommy was the person I thought I would marry. He was my whole world back then when I thought love wasn’t complicated and everything would work out just because we said it would.”

“But it didn’t work out? And then you moved to New York and had me?”

“Yes.”

“And you married Colin instead. Even though he’s not my dad.”

I swallow the ache in my throat. “That’s right.”

“Now that we’re back, do you want to marry Tommy?”

“I can’t.” The backs of my eyes itch, tempting me to reach up and crush them with the heels of my palms to relieve the annoyance. “Returning to Plainview was about Grandma Bitsy wanting us around more.” And since he asked for honesty, I give it all. “I think she’s dying, honey, and I don’t even know how long we have left with her. Which makes this all feel worse because every time we talk, we argue, but when we’re not in the same space, I miss her again.” I slide the pad of my thumb along his narrow wrist, stroking his silky skin. It brings us both comfort. “Iwantto make up and be better for her, but Plainview brings a lot of emotions back to the surface for me. That’s why I cry here more than I did in New York. It’s why I argue with people. We have ten years of feelings to work through, and sadly,” I breathe out a quiet laugh, “none of us learned how to express our emotions in a healthy way.”

“Will you marry Chris?”

My heart jumps with surprise. Sweet delight. Humor. But I shake my head. “No. I won’t marry him, either. Though, I hope he finds someone nice soon. He deserves a special lady who knows how to bring him peace in a crazy world.”

“He told me that you used to do that for him.” He looks down at ourjoined hands in consideration, rolling his lips between his teeth. “He told me how you used to make the world quieter for him because he doesn’t like when it gets too loud. And you used to scratch his hair, ‘cos he said it felt nice. He said how Tommy got to hug you most of the time, but sometimes, when he was lucky, you would hug him, too.”

I bring my free hand up and swipe beneath my eye. “He told you all this?”

He nods. “When we were playing chess, and you were talking to Tommy on the patio. He said how you were his best friend and when you left, he was really sad. He missed you.”

God. Why did our lives have to go the way they did?

Why did I have to trade such pure, good souls, all so I could have my son?

“I missed him, too. Istillmiss him. Though it was nice that we got to become friends again tonight, don’t you think?”

“If you marry Tommy, do you think you would cry less?” He drags his hand from mine, but only so he can trail the tip of his finger along my wrist. “I want you to cry less, Mom. And if you marry Tommy, we get to hang out with Chris, too. Which would make him happy.”

“But what would makeyouhappy?” I turn my hand over and trap his wrist between my fingers. And when I don’t release, I wait for his beautiful eyes to come to mine. “I made a choice ten years ago, honey. It was a big, scary, grown-up decision I knew would come with consequences. I knew it would hurt some very special, good people. I knew it would destroy some parts of my life but that it would save others.”

“You decided to have me.” His long, dark lashes come down to kiss plump cheeks. “You got pregnant with me, and you knew Tommy would be mad. You picked me.”

“And I don’t regret it.” I unsnap my seatbelt and lean around to be nearer him. To take his hand between both of mine and pull him forward. “I can be sad for hurting people I love, and I can mourn for the future I didn’t get to live. I’m going to miss the boys I left behind because I loved themalmostas much as I love you. Weshouldfeel our emotions, baby. It’s how we heal. But I need you to know there isn’t a single part of me that regrets choosing you. I’m not sure what’s going to happen in a year. In five years. I don’t know what that future will look like, or if Tommy or Chris, or even Grandma, will be in it. But I do know that you and I will be together.”

He stares into my eyes. Searching. Probing. Processing.

“How’s that for explaining?” I choke out a soft laugh. “I’m not sure Ihelped since I don’t have answers for what’s coming. I just know what came and the choices I made that got us here. Most of all, I know I love you, very,verymuch.”

“I think…” He draws a long breath, then exhales, so I feel it on our joined hands. “I think that Tommy is a bad chess player.”

I burst out with the kind of laughter that feels cathartic on my soul. Bubbling giggles I haven’t experienced in too long.

“I think Chris is way better,” he continues. “And I like that he told me the truth when I asked about you and him. I think Chris is a lot like me, and Tommy is a bit more like you.”

“Like me? Really?” Surprise is like a warm caress in the dark. A soft blanket laid across my chest. “I guess I considered us opposites most of the time.”

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