Page 144 of Ruin Me Gently

My brain stuttered over the name.Mr. Graves.Who? I should’ve asked. Should’ve thought about it. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”

“Alright,” she smiled and went back to her laptop.

I went back to staring at nothing.

“Lilith, it says here that you’ve been prescribed antipsychotics.”

Huh. I blinked, the words rolling through my head like an echo of something I already knew. My pill bottle. White plastic, a blue cap, the sound of tablets rattling inside. “Right.”

She lifted her eyes from the screen. “Do you remember the last time you took them?”

I tried to think back, tried to pull something forward, but it was like reaching into a dark room, grasping at nothing. No memory. No routine.

“I don’t know.”

She nodded. “That’s okay. If you’ve been feeling more disconnected than usual, it’s possible your medication routine was disrupted, and that can lead to dissociation.”

“I didn’t even think about that,” I murmured.

“That’s understandable,” she said gently. “When you feel this way, it can be hard to notice what’s happening to you.”

“So this is just my brain doing the thing again?”

“It looks that way,” she said. “This is something you’ve experienced before, but after something traumatic, it can become stronger.”

My stomach curled in on itself. “What’s been so traumatic?”

She hesitated, her eyes flicking to the other side of the couch. “We don’t have to discuss that right now. Your mind is protecting you in the only way it knows how by blocking things out, and we just need to focus on getting you feeling better, okay?

“Yeah,” I nodded.

Dissociation…I knew that. I knew my brain did it. I knew I’d lost time before, that my mind blocked out big chunks of space before I could catch a glimpse at them. But this felt different. Bigger.

Fuck, I was so confused.

“Medication can help with the chemical part of your brain,” she said. “But there are also things we can do to help you feel more anchored in the present.”

“Like what?”

“Grounding techniques. Small, simple things that help bring you back when you feel like you’re slipping away. Have you ever used them before?”

Maybe… my hand moved of its own volition, fingers sliding up to my locket.

The cool metal pressed into my palm, familiar, real.

In for four. Hold for four. Out for four.

“Yes. Yes, I have. My locket.” My fingers curled around it tighter. “Box breathing too.”

“That’s really good, Lilith.” Dr. Hayes smiled, small and encouraging. “You remember those, which means you still know how to come back. That’s important.”

I just stared at her. I didn’t know what to say. Was that comforting or not?

She glanced at her screen, then back at me. “You’re going to be very sleepy for a few days while the medication kicks back in,” she said. “But you’ll be feeling much more like yourself again soon, okay?”

CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

“Ijust don’t understand,”I said to Dr. Hayes as I walked her towards the kitchenisland. “She’s been talking to Evelyn—her mom? In herreflection?”

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