Page 240 of Ruin Me Gently

He was so far gone, I didn’t know what to do. He’d barely spoken to me in weeks. Barely even looked at me. Too caught up in the hunt to realise how much he was hurting meandhimself.

During a self-pity shower, I’d had a revelation. A slightly unhinged, but entirely necessary revelation that Dr. Hayes most definitely wouldn’t have approved of.

If I could show Silas that I could defend myself, that I’d be okay, then maybe he’d ease up a little. Maybe he’d calm down. Maybe he’d stop losing himself long enough to remember that life existed outside of it.

Finn had been pretty on board with it, but that didn’t stop him from giving me at least fifty opportunities to stop over the last week.

But I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to learn.

Because this wasn’t about hitting or proving myself to Silas. Not really.

This was about taking back my power. Proving to myself I was strong.

“Heads up!”

A water bottlecame flying at me.

“You could’ve just handed it to me, you know.” I twisted off the cap and took a long sip. I needed it. My whole body was lead, arms aching, shoulders sore, legs vibrating with weird, exhausted shakiness that made me feel like a newborn deer. But it felt kind of good.

Maybe this was why people worked out. Some weird masochistic ritual that made you feel like you’d earned your suffering. Maybe I should’ve started sooner, started working out earlier in life.

No.Stupid thought. Next joke.

I looked out at the view of the city beneath us. Thousands of moving pieces, cars weaving through the streets like blood pumping through veins, people shifting like cells in something bigger. Distant. Tiny.

“Graves will fucking kill me if he catches us doing this,” Finn muttered.

I scoffed, taking another sip. “He’s never here anymore. I could throw a kegger in the bedroom, adopt an elephant and open a blackjack table in the kitchen, and he wouldn’t even notice.”

“Fair point,” he snorted then shook out his arms. “Alright. Enough punches. Come on.”

I rolled my neck, groaning. “If you make me do push-ups again, I’m taking you to the garden and throwing you over the edge.”

“Relax, psycho. We’re doing holds.”

“What’s that?”

“Holds.”

I frowned. “Keep repeating the word. Please.”

“It means if someone grabs you, you know how to get them the fuck off you.”

“Oh. Well, when you put it like that, it sounds like a good time.”

He grinned. “That’s the spirit. Now, if someone grabs you, what do you do?”

“Scream. Cry. Piss myself.”

“Dude. No.”

I smirked, stretching out my fingers. “You sure? Seems like a solid plan. High success rate, minimal effort.”

“No,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “If someone grabs you, you break their hold then go for soft targets.”

“Like their feelings?”

“Like their nose, Lilith.”

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