Page 76 of Ruin Me Gently

I shoved my hands deeper into my pockets, fingers brushing the cool metal of the self-defence keychain. My grip tightened around it. Something solid. Something real. Something I could hold.

Buzz.

I wanted to believe that time would dull it all. That one day, I’d wake up and it wouldn’t feel like they were still under my skin, stitched into my viscera like old wounds that never healed right.

I blew out a heavy breath, shaking my head hard like I could physically dislodge the thoughts. Jesus. Thisis why people went to therapy.

The fluorescent glow of the convenience store sign flickered in the distance. Had I really been walking that long?

The tight coil of panic had loosened, but exhaustion had settled deep into my bones.

I needed caffeine. Sugar. Something to kickstart my system and keep me from collapsing into a heap of under-caffeinated trauma on the sidewalk.

Pushing open the door, I stepped inside. The scent of burnt coffee, plastic wrapped pastries, and the faintest trace of floor cleaner filled my nose. It was empty, aside from the guy behind the counter who barely looked up from his phone as I wandered toward the self-serve coffee station.

My fingers fumbled slightly as I reached for a cup and poured in the steaming liquid, the warmth seeping into my fingers like an anchor. My body was still operating on autopilot and my brain was sluggish, but at least it was working. I wasn’t shaking anymore. Wasn’t spiralling.

Progress.

I reached for the sugar packets, ripping one open and dumping it in. Then another. And another. At this rate, I was either going to cure my nightmares or give myself diabetes. Worth the risk.

Buzz.

The first sip was a betrayal. Scalding hot, too bitter despite the mountain of sugar, but I swallowed against the burn, letting the heat settle deep into my chest. It wasn’t good, but it was doing its job. That’s all that mattered.

Tossing a crumpled bill on the counter, I gave the cashier a nod, then stepped back out into the quiet night.

The walk home was slow, less urgent than before. My pulse had evened out, limbs no longer feeling like they were filled with lead. But the thought of going back inside, back to my too-quiet house, to my empty bed… I wasn’t ready for that.

So, when I spotted the small park tucked between two residential streets, I veered off course, making my way toward the worn wooden bench that overlooked the tiny playground.

Buzz.

I lowered myself down, coffee cradled between my hands, the warmth biting against my fingers. My breath curled in the air, pale and fleeting before vanishing. It was freezing, and my jacket was doing little against it. So I pulled my knees up, tucking my feet onto the bench, curling tighter around the cup for warmth.

One of the swings rocked ever so slightly, the chain straining as the empty seat swayed back and forth.

Parks had always been different when I was a child—bigger, brighter, alive with laughter.

A small smile tugged on my lips at the memory.

My fingers curled tight around the rusted chains, hair plastered to the back of my neck. The metal scorched my palms, burning hot from hours under the sun, but I didn’t care.

Mommy stood behind me, her hands firm on the chains, pulling me back so high my toes scraped the sky. “Hold on tight, Lilypad!” she laughed.

I squealed as she let go, my stomach plummeting before I soared forward, the whole park spinning into streaks of green and gold.

The breeze whipped through my hair as I glanced over my shoulder. Mommy was still laughing, dark hair bouncing wildly around her face, her smile so big it took up half her face.

“Higher!” I giggled, twisting my fingers tighter in the metal links.

“Oh. You want higher, huh?” She tugged me back again. “Alright, hold on!”

I giggled as my legs flailed, the wind rushing so hard it stole my breath.

We’d gone for ice cream earlier, and the faint taste of chocolate still clung to my tongue. I remembered how she’d grinned at me when I’d dripped it down my wrist, teasing me as she wiped my face with her thumb. “You’re a mess,” she’d said, laughing as she kissed the top of myhead.

I couldn’t stop staring at her—the way her eyes glittered like silver coins in the sunlight, the way her smile filled up the whole park. I couldn’t imagine her being anything else. She was all fire and warmth and endless, bottomless love.

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