Page 103 of Duty and Desire

“What relation was he to you?”

Nick scrunched up his eyebrows. “My great-great grandfather. There’s a portrait of him in the gallery.” He peered at the first letter.

There was that gasp again.

“What have you found?”

“The letter was written to someone called Marie-Elisabeth.” He glanced at me, his eyes wide. “This is a very personal letter.”

“Was she his wife?”

Nick bit his lip. “That’s what surprised me. His wife was Queen Christina.”

I gaped at him. “His mistress, then? What does it say?”

Nick pulled out a chair and sat, his hand trembling slightly as he read aloud.

As I sit upon the eve of what will be a decisive moment in my life, I find my heart torn asunder by the weight of duty and the quiet, burning pull of my own desires. It is said that a king must set aside his own whims, his own joy, for the good of his people. That the crown demands sacrifices, the first and foremost being the sacrifice of personal happiness.

And yet, how does one reconcile the promise of love with the solemn call to lead? How does one abandon a heart that beats true for another, to embrace a union that is born not of affection, but of necessity?

I stand before the throne, and while it holds a certain power, it is not without its chains. My subjects look to me to marry for the sake of alliances, of peace, of the future of our kingdom. A king’s love is not his own to give, it is a gift to his people—one that must be wielded with care, calculated for the good of the realm. And yet, how can I stand before my people and wear the crown, when it weighs so heavily upon my own heart?

I have been taught that duty is the highest calling. That to servewith honor is the mark of a true sovereign. But I find that my own soul, as I face the threshold of this great burden, longs for something more—something truer.

What is a king, if he is not a man? And what is a man, if he is forced to live a life he does not choose? Perhaps in the days to come, I will find my answer. But today, I am but a man who wishes, above all, to love freely and to be loved in return.

I let out a long breath. “Nowtherewas a man with a dilemma.”

Nick nodded. “He was faced with the choice between his duty and his personal happiness, and in the end, he sacrificed that happiness.”

“And one hundred and five years later, hereyouare, faced with that same choice.”

He lowered the sheet to the table. “I could have written this. That line…” He peered at the sheet once more. “How does one abandon a heart that beats true for another, to embrace a union that is born not of affection, but of necessity?” Nick raised his chin to look me in the eye. “My heart beats for you.”

My throat seized to hear the love in his voice.

Then Nick retied the ribbon around the sheaf, stood, and returned them to the bookcase.

I didn’t know what to say to him that I hadn’t already said. I couldn’t escape the feeling, however, that he was one step closer to finding the answer to his own dilemma.

I also had a feeling his ministers wouldn’t like it.

Chapter Thirty-Three

May 30

Nick

Imissed the days of riding my motorbike around the island, sitting on a beach, taking the boat out… It all seemed so long ago. Having Gio around brought back a little of those joyous days, but I knew he couldn’t stay forever. He had his home in San Francisco, his writing…

Not that he’d written much since his arrival, to my knowledge. He certainly didn’t discuss it, and that only deepened my sense of guilt.

He called me his muse, and then what did I do? I left him.

For all I knew, he hadn’t written a word since.

Maybe I killed his inspiration.

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