Page 6 of Duty and Desire

Zilch.

Sure, the island was a tropical paradise, a welcome change from the climate in San Francisco, and so much beauty surrounding me that at times it amounted to overload. But as for the purpose of this trip? So far that was turning out to be a damp squib. In my darkest moments, only one thought consumed me.

Am I ever going to write again?

My deepest fear was my lack of direction.

I don’t know why I write anymore.

Since my arrival, I’d gotten into a routine. Every morning I sat at the table on the veranda, staring out at the passing boats, the clouds drifting across, the planes delivering new visitors, taking them home… My notebook sat next to my laptop, ready to be filled.

The same notebook that lay open now, my pen resting on a blank page. And that right there was the problem.

My mind is a blank page.

“Gio?”

I jumped. “Aulani, you’d make a great assassin. I didn’t even hear the gate.”

She came over to stand beside me. “Good morning. I was passing, so I thought I’d clear away your breakfast things. If I am disturbing you, I’ll go.”

I huffed. “Trust me, you’re not disturbing me in the slightest.”

She touched the pile of books on the table. “What are these?”

I sighed. “I’ve been reading a lot, waiting to be inspired.”

She said nothing, but gazed at me with a thoughtful expression.

I leaned back in my chair. “Doyouhave any fantastic ideas for a novel? Because right now I’ll take whatever I can get.” It wasn’t an entirely humorous remark.

Aulani laid her hand on my shoulder, a comforting touch.

“Gio… I think you need to let go of your expectations. Be spontaneous.”

I hadn’t expected such an eloquent offering. Swift on its heels, however, came a pinch of irritation.

How can she say a thing like that? She doesn’t even know me.

Then I remembered she’d been nothing but kind to me. She was trying to help.

I huffed again. “I thought that’s what Iwasdoing.”

She shook her head. “I’ve watched you this week. You say you’re waiting to be inspired. But maybe inspiration will come when you stop trying so hard to look for it.” Then she went into the bungalow. A moment later, I heard her humming as she washed the breakfast dishes.

Her words still rang in my head.

Iwastrying hard, there was no denying it. Maybe even too hard, like she said.

How do I embrace spontaneity?

I didn’t have a clue.

“Don’t have lunch here today,” Aulani called out from the kitchen. “Go to Kai’s bar and eat there.”

“Any particular reason why?”

She stood in the doorway. “A break from your routine?” She shrugged. “Maybe just a feeling?”

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