Page 94 of Duty and Desire

At last we were outside. I didn’t trust myself to share my thoughts until we were alone. I tossed aside the speeches I’d rehearsed in myhead ad infinitum ever since I’d learned of his arrival. None of them felt right in the face of his lack of emotion.

This conversation would have to be from the heart—and my heart, no matter how much I wanted it not to be so, was still his.

We followed the path that led to the gardens, and I loved his soft gasp when he saw them.

“I didn’t expect this, not all the way up here.”

I smiled. “I’m told that when my mother first came to the palace, she was appalled to find no gardens, only the rock on which it’s built. So she had my father bring stonecutters here, to hew out a deep, wide space. She invited the Head Gardener from the Royal Botanical Gardens down in the valley to help her plan the layout. Then truck after truck arrived, bringing soil, plants, trees.” I flung out my arm. “And this is the result. Little has changed since she designed it.” I pointed to the far corner. “She had a fountain put in, piping water to it from the palace. My father thought it was a frivolous waste of money, but he did it anyway, because she loved the idea. Except after she died, so did the fountain. It hasn’t worked since I was a teenager, but it’s my favorite spot to sit and enjoy what she created.”

“It’s beautiful.”

It was a heavenly place, filled with flowers, herbs, and fruit trees, their branches trained to spread out over the wall that got the most sun. I took him to the bench where I loved to gaze at the garden and the far-off mountains.

Except we didn’t sit. Before I could thank him for coming, he stood there, his body rigid.

“Was it all a lie?” As soon as the words fell from his lips, Gio swallowed. “I’m sorry. I promised myself I’d be calm, but when I saw you, everything came flooding back. So many negative feelings.”

“I can guess. Anger, resentment, frustration, disillusionment…” I looked him in the eye. “And you’d be right to feel all those things. But you must understand… I never wanted to leave Bora-Bora, but I had no choice.”

His eyes blazed. “I’m not talking aboutwhyyou left, just the wayyou did it. But that isn’t what pisses me off the most. No,thatwould be you not telling me the truth about who you really were.”

“I couldn’t.”

“Give me one good reason why.”

I rolled my eyes. “I can give you a list. Most of them boil down to fear—of losing you, having you see me differently, you rejecting me?—”

“Reject you? I fuckinglovedyou.” Gio’s eyes were wild. “I wouldn’t have cared if you were a prince or a handyman.”

“You say that now, but we’ll never know the truth, will we?” I sighed. “And now my life has changed beyond recognition. I have obligations, duties, political expectations… There’s a huge weight on my shoulders.”

Even to my ears, the words sounded rehearsed, flat…

“Yeah, I get that part. It’s called a country. WhatIwant to talk about is this wedding.”

“You know about it?”

He snorted. “You think Claudia would’ve kept quiet about that?” He wrung his hands. “Nick, you can’t marry someone just because your dad and her dad agreed it would be so. A lot has changed since that agreement.” He stared at me. “You came out as gay, for one thing.”

“Only my father and brother knew that. And my father didn’t care. If anything, he tried to forget it, to act as though I’d never told him.” I sank onto the bench, my legs like lead. “I can’t tell you what a state I’ve been in since their deaths. It seems as if each new day brings something else for me to grapple with.”

Gio joined me. “Such as?”

I wanted to feel his hand on mine, but we weren’t the same two people who’d sat in Kai’s bar, our fingers touching, the flickering candlelight dancing over his face, and the sweet perfume of a single rose filling the air.

“A fear of inadequacy, for one thing. I grew up in their shadows. I told myself I couldn’t lead a country.” My heart quaked. “And I neverexpected to. Growing up, I was already trapped in the expectations and perceptions of others. And now I’m king? It’s as if all traces of individuality are being taken from me.” I gave a hard swallow. “I said you must be feeling resentment toward me, for my actions, my omission… Well, the truth is, I feel the same way—not towardyou, but toward my father and brother—and I hate it. I’ve had this legacy thrust upon me.” I stood, pacing up and down the path. “I don’twantto be king. I was never prepared for this role. Rudolf was to have had children, who would have been next in line to the throne. And then I could have lived out my days withnoneof this in my future.”

“But he didn’t.” Gio’s voice was soft. “And escaping to Bora-Bora… you had to know it couldn’t have lasted forever. Okay, so you would never have sat on the throne, but you couldn’t escape your lineage, your destiny.”

I bowed my head. “Gio… I’m so scared.”

I wanted him to shift closer, to feel his warmth, to smell his familiar scent. But I knew that couldn’t happen.

“Of what?”

I expelled a breath. “Failure. What if I can’t do this? They don’t want me to be me—they want a puppet, a figurehead. And all that does is create a crisis of identity, a clash between who I want to be, and who I’m expected to become.” I raised my chin and gazed into his warm eyes. “You asked me if it was all a lie. Look at me and tell me what you see in my face.”

Gio studied me in silence, and with each moment that ticked by, my breathing grew more labored, and my stomach roiled.

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