Page 41 of Our Little Moments

Julian looks at me, his eyes still a little unfocused. “Sorry for worrying you like that. Just had an accident in there.” He looks down, opening his restaurant door as he mutters, “My parents are going to kill me.”

My heart pounds in my chest. It’s the right thing to do to help him.

But he didn’t ask you for help. Besides, you promised to take a day for yourself. Stick to the promises you make to yourself too.

Except, I recognize his tone and the look in his eyes. He’s discouraged and doesn’t know how to fix what just happened.

Sighing heavily, my resolve breaks, and I open the restaurant door to come help him.

Ugh, there I go again with the caretaking.

My resolve has lasted less than an hour.

Great.

…

When I leave Julian’s restaurant, it’s late. He thanks me with a smile, his spark of confidence back in his eyes. I grin back and head home.

I can’t help feeling discouraged. Disappointed with myself. When I promise to help others, I never go back on my word, but if I promise to show up for myself, I always go back on my word? I can’t believe my resolve lasted so little time.

Maybe that’s all I’m meant to be. A caretaker. Someone who just helps everyone else and was never meant to build something for himself. After all, I did it all my life, I can keep doing it.

A familiar pair of green eyes full of life fills my mind. Stella.

Since she came to our town, she makes me question everything. Her resilience and determination to change her life inspires me to make changes too.

But maybe I just don’t have the strength she has. I’m just meant to make everyone’s life easier. She has so much more determination than I do. She’s honest and can actually stick to her promises. She shows up when it matters.

She’s everything I need to be, but fail at being.

Caught in an overthinking loop, I change paths and head to my best friend’s house. I can’t be unbiased right now. I need my best friend. Jay can be a jokester, someone that makes you laugh, but more than that, he’s loyal. He cares deeply. He won’t let you go through bullshit alone.

And . . . I need that right now.

I wish I could say that my obsession with caretaking only concerned the people I love, but it would be a lie. Over the years, every single person I meet, every single person I talk to, always makes it to the top of the list. Always goes above me.

I want to stop this cycle, to hit pause from time to time, but it feels impossible when every aspect of my life has relied on my caretaking. How do you stop a pattern that runs so deep?

I knock on my best friend’s door, suddenly overthinking. What the fuck am I doing? This can wait until tomorrow. I’m about to turn back into the silent streets, when Jay opens the door.

I turn around to see him, disappointed and reassured that he answered the door. His smile is teasing, but his eyes are full of worry. “Well, well, well . . . I never thought I’d see the day. Adrian coming to MY house in the middle of the night. That’s a first.”

Yeah. It is.

“Yeah . . . I just—I—”

His easygoing facade slips, and he goes back to the emotionally steady best friend he’s always been for me. Jay knows me better than I know myself. We’ve been friends since we were kids and, if it wasn’t for him, my sisters and I would have crumbled after my parents’ passing. He and his parents lent a hand in every single way they could. Jay helped me escape my problems with jokes and laughter, despite having his own struggles.

“Shit, this is bad, isn’t it?”

I manage to nod. Jay opens his door wide, letting me in. His house has always been warm and cozy. The couch with colorful cushions would make anyone smile just as much as it would give someone the comfort to relax a little. The table is warm and decorated to the point of being overwhelming, but it’s also inviting.

You don’t have to do anything alone.

If there’s one thing Jay’s tried to make me feel over the years, it’s that. I might not always listen, but I’m listening now. It has to count for something.

“Adrian, you’re killing me. What’s going on?”

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