Page 42 of Our Little Moments

I sigh heavily, hesitating again. I’m making this a bigger deal than it is. It’s normal to not only think about yourself. Why am I even bothering him with this so late at night? I should have gone straight home. What did I think coming here, burdening my best friend with my problems?

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have come over.” I walk back to his door, intending to walk out. “This was stupid—”

A sudden gush of wind pushes me away from the door, and I tumble onto the couch from the sheer force of it.

Jay’s face is fully serious, an expression I so rarely see. “You never reach out for help, you idiot. I can see the gears turning in that head of yours. You are not leaving my house until you tell me what’s going on.”

Atthat,I chuckle. “Come on, this is an exaggeration—”

“Nope. You fell into my trap. You must play by my rules now.”

As always, Jay’s humor makes the worry feel a lot less heavy. Makes everything feel lighter.

I smile. “Okay, I’ll talk.”

Jay chuckles, and we both sit in his living room, the air turning thick from my stress.

“I’m scared,” I start, emotions coming back to hit me in full force.

“Of what?” Jay asks lightly, scooting closer.

“I don’t think I can stop,” I admit, tears welling in my eyes. I hate it every time. I don’t want Jay to worry about me. He has his own battles to fight through. He shouldn’t have to help fightmine.

His face turns sad, and he wraps his arms around me, understanding what I’m saying without me needing to say the words.

“Adrian,” he starts, his voice more gentle than I’ve ever heard it, “we all love to be taken care of. Especially by you. You’re a caretaker, and it’s a very positive trait to have. However, you should take care ofyourselftoo.”

I crack a smile despite my aching heart. “You’ve been preparing this speech for a while, huh?”

He smiles back. “Over a decade. I always knew you’d need to hear that one day, Adrian. We all know you can’t pour from an empty cup. But I saw you do it every single day for most of yourlife.” His eyes get teary, and I wrap my arms around him back. I can’t stand the heartbreak in his eyes, especially knowingIput that there.

“But you never listened.” Jay sighs. “It didn’t matter who told you, how they said it, what words they used, when they said it . . . You never fully heard it. So, I had to bide my time and wait until you reached out.”

Dammit, he’s right. Jay has some wisdom in him, and he rarely shows it to the world. My best friend has always been a bubble of jokes and laughter, but I understand now, even more, just how caring and serious he can be. Despite it making him uncomfortable, he pushes through. And maybe I need to be a little more like him. Despite the fact that putting myself first makes me feel uncomfortable, I have to push through that feeling.

“But what about my sisters? They need me.”

Jay laughs.The guy actually laughs at my concern.

Jackass.

“Adrian, your sisters are adults now. They can figure shit out on their own without you bulldozing through to find the solution. And if they need help, they know you’ll be there to help. I’d be willing to bet that you taking care of them so much makes them feel guilty.”

That word snatches my attention, just like it did when Scarlett talked to me yesterday. “Guilty?”

“Yeah. They want you to be happy.” His voice is thick with emotion when he says, “Weallwant to see you happy, Adrian.” He takes a deep breath, and I hug him tighter, despite my mind reeling from everything he’s saying.

Jay sighs. “I think that they feel guilty that you put yourself on a pedestal to take care ofthem.”

I hate that everything I sacrificed for my sisters makes them feel guilty. I wanted my sacrifices to make them feel loved, important, prioritized, cared for.

The doubt I’ve been carrying for the last few days bubbles to the surface. Putting other people before me is something I do as easily as I breathe. I don’t have to think about it, I just do it.

It seems like a cycle I can never escape.

I take a deep breath before asking, “Do you think . . . I’ll ever be able to stop?”

Jay sighs heavily. “I absolutely believe you can, but I don’t think it will be easy. Patterns like that are fucking hard to break, but not impossible. I’m with you. Ibelievein you. I’ll help you out with anything.”

---