Page 52 of Our Little Moments

In those situations, I could turn my nerves into excitement, because that’s what I always loved—putting on a show and making everyone forget about their problems for a while.

But this is different. I’m not here to put on a show. Those people deserve an authentic trip with authentic people. But I was a bad friend in the past, what makes me think I would be a good friend now?

My blood pounds in my ears, and my heartbeat is the only thing I hear.

Why are my hands shaking?

It’s no big deal.

No big deal

No. Big. Deal.

But they are a big deal.The people I consider my friends now deserve people who will stick around. Who know how to balance life. Who know how to make time for them, prioritize them as they deserve to be.

Not someone whose life is all about work and can barely make time to see her family. Not someone who only has time for them now because her life fell apart. They deserve better than someone who only sticks around because she’s having a hard time.

I am a bad friend.

My feet tingle and, suddenly, my vision disfigures.

I need to get away.

I get up and turn around, blurting, “I’m going back to the cabin!”

Did my voice always sound so scratchy? I can’t hear any of their replies over my heavy breathing.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Fucking breathe!

I take a deep breath, then run away from the path leading to our cabin.

Away, away, away.

There. They won’t follow me. I’m ruining their vacations anyway.

I ruin everything.

I’m out of sight. That’s all that matters. Yet a tear slides down my cheek.

Why the fuck am I crying? This is nothing!

I wrap my arms around myself, trying to calm down.

Calm down, calm down, calm down. I need to calm down!

I wince. My arms are wrapped so tightly around my waist that my nails dig into them. Breathing is hard. Really hard.

Tears escape so fast and hard that I can’t stop them.

I’m powerless. Again.

In more ways than one.

Shame, guilt and a cocktail of emotions I never imagined I could feel all at once wrap themselves around me so tightly I feel choked. I cry harder, my chest growing tight as bile rises in my throat.

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