Page 81 of Our Little Moments

“Hi,” I say softly as he turns to face me.

A grin lights up his face. “Hey, Stella.”

We both sit in silence as the waves crash below us. My mind wanders to this trip, to how different everything feels to me now. To how much my priorities are shifting and how much I’m changing.

The career I’d chased for so long now feels insignificant to me. I want a life with more balance, that moves slower. A life that allows me to breathe and take time for myself.

The friendships are an aspect of life I’d given up on, but now they’re what I yearn for the most. I’d kept my friendship with Derek to a minimum. I’d been so paralyzed by the fear of beingleft again that I didn’t let our friendship grow. I didn’t let it become one where emotions were allowed.

And, crap, my emotions. I spent so long pushing them away that I forgot what it was like tofeel. Everything was a haze and I was comfortable with it because it waseasy.I could focus on building something and not get distracted or hurt. Now, if there’s one thing I want, it’s to feel. I want happiness, peace, love, fulfillment, but I’m also willing to feel fear, insecurity, and sadness because that’s a part of life. Going through life emotionless is soboring.

Where I gave up on friendships as a teenager, I gave up on love when I was an adult. I’d always thought my relationships never worked out because the men I was with couldn’t understand my ambitions and the necessity I felt to achieve them. Now, I know it was true, but it wasn’t the entire truth. I was a part of the problem. I allowed myself to be consumed by not only work, but the thought that my success made me more lovable. It was alwaysloveI craved, but I chased it in all the wrong ways. I looked for validation instead of understanding. I wanted to be more when I was already enough. I wanted to be valuable because of my success when I was always valuable because ofme.

Adrian’s hand brushes mine and pulls me out of my thoughts. His eyes dive into mine as a gentle smile spreads across his face. I turn my palm, unable to tear my eyes away from his, and intertwine our fingers together.

“What’s on your mind?”

His voice makes my eyes tear up for reasons I don’t fully understand. His eyes immediately shift from curiosity to concern as his other hand rushes to my face and his thumb brushes away the tear that had slid down my face.

My heartbeat settles. “It’s just . . . This entire trip is affecting me more than I thought was possible.”

Adrian smiles and his eyes turn bright like emeralds. “Stella, you’re not the only one this entire vacation is affecting. This is changing me too, more than I thought anything ever could.”

Curiosity sparks to life, and I lean closer to him. “How?”

He sighs. “It’s giving me a break from caretaking”

I smile. “Which you absolutely deserve.”

He chuckles, but it sounds sad. “Whether I deserve it or not doesn’t matter. What does matter is that having all this time to myself is making me think and reconsider a lot of things.”

“Well, it has to happen when your life isn’t heading the way you want it to go.”

We both stay in a peaceful silence, and I get lost in his eyes. The ones that hold silent promises, the ones that see through every messy part of me, the ones that hold nothing but love and care.

His inhale is sharp. “Is your life heading the way you want it to now?”

I grin, happy tears filling my eyes. “Yes. It is. I’m not as far along as I want to be, but I love where I’m going now.”

He smiles and it’s full of adoration and pride. It takes my breath away. “You deserve that kind of peace, Stella.”

He needs to stop saying those kinds of words to me otherwise I will start believing them.

I take in a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale.

You deserve to believe him, I repeat to myself.You deserve a life that you can’t wait to wake up to. You deserve to be surrounded by people who make you feel at ease.

Adrian seems to sense the change in my emotions because his expression turns worried again.

I shift the focus away from me. “What about you? Is your life heading where you want it to?”

He sighs. “I thought it was, but now I realize it’s not. The problem is, I don’t know what other way to go.”

My heart cracks. “You’ll find your path again. It’s the journey of a lifetime, Adrian. I promise you’ll find your footing again, no matter how impossible it feels right now.”

He smiles, and I scoot closer to him, leaning against his side with my head on his shoulder. I can feel his grin form at the crown of my head.

“You know,” he starts softly, “when Isa started this whole competition, I thought it was silly. I went along with it because she’s my sister and I couldn’t really pick sides between her or my best friend. But now . . . I’m seeing how much this entire vacation is healing me.” His voice cracks, and I wrap an arm around him as my heart beats rapidly in my chest. He wraps an arm around my back too and holds me closer. It’s from the affection I feel in his gesture that I realize he isn’t sad, but emotional.

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