Page 94 of Our Little Moments

Hazel sighs heavily. “I was really young when our parents passed. I always knew I wasn’t hit as strongly by grief as my other siblings. That I wasn’t as afraid of loss as they were.”

She sniffles. “I know Scarlett will get back on her feet. The healers told us she wasn’t in a critical state and that she’d wake up again soon. But she . . . Stella, she was always there. She was with us through everything when our parents died. Adrian and Isabella never let her help as much as she clearly wanted to, but she was a steady figure in my life. The thought of losing her . . . It makes me anxious. Really anxious. Terrified.”

We stay in silence for a bit, until she admits, “Layla and I have spent every night over the last few weeks in that room with her. None of us have gotten much sleep, but we’re just that worried. I just can’t think of leav—”

“Hazel,” I interrupt, my own eyes tearing up. “I understand. I really, really understand. Please don’t feel guilty anymore, it breaks my heart.”

She laughs lightly and I smile. “I can try.”

She pulls away and helps me finish packing. Half an hour later, we zip my suitcase. Hazel looks at me and sighs. “You know, it always annoyed me to see my siblings stuck in their grief—to see their pain control their lives. I was young when I decided I never wanted the pain of my past to dictate my future and what I could hope for. I worked so damn much on my healing, Stella, even when my siblings didn’t do the work for themselves. Now I just . . . I thought I left all this grief behind me and it’s coming back sostrongly.”

I can’t relate to her grief in the sense of losing someone I care about, but I relate to it in the sense of losing the life you thought you’d live for the rest of your life. Having to watch something you once loved so deeply fade away into oblivion, knowing you won’t ever get back the parts of it you once fell in love with. It’s a different kind of loss, but it’s a loss nonetheless.

“Hazel . . .” I say quietly. “Grief has ups and downs. It’s something that doesn’t ever fully leave you. The emotions attached to it come and go and it’s okay to be hit harder by them from time to time. I’m proud of you for working on yourself and moving forward.” I smile proudly. “It truly shows and I can guarantee you it wasn’t for nothing. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Sometimes, things are tough and it’s okay. Healing isn’t linear and just because you have days that are harder doesn’t mean all your progress is gone.”

Hazel wraps me up in a hug, gentle and grateful, not frantic and desperate like earlier. I exhale a little in relief, knowing she let her emotions out.

“Thank you, Stella. I needed to hear that.”

I smile. “I’ll repeat it anytime you need to hear it.”

Later that evening, Adrian and I leave for the city. We borrow one of the cars from their town. It surprises me that it functions so well, since I know everyone in town gets around by foot.

I let him drive since he knows how their car works, but it’s mostly because I know how much he’d insist on letting him drive.

Adrian Westwood is a caretaker at heart and, while I want him to keep taking care of himself too, I don’t want him to lose that part of himself.Ever.

For the few hours it takes to drive, we talk about anything and everything. As the sun sets while we drive, I’m grinning so hard my cheeks hurt and the moment feels perfect.

I practically leap from my seat when I see my parents and Derek waiting for me outside the building where the concert will take place in a few hours. Adrian chuckles as he turns off the car.

I run to meet the people I’ve missed so dearly and hug my parents first, the joy and excitement wrapping so tightly around my heart that I almost forget how to breathe.

Then I walk over to Derek and wrap him in a hug. It’s the first time we’ve ever hugged and I can tell he realizes it too as his hold on me tightens.

We let go of each other and he looks at me with a bright smile. “Happy looks good on you, Stella.”

I grin. “It feels pretty good too.”

Out of the corner of my eyes I notice my dad tearing up. I walk over to him to hug him again. “Come on, Dad. Don’t start crying because then I’ll start crying too.”

His arms wrap around me and I realize how much I’d forgotten how good his hugs always felt. Warm and gentle and so comfortable.

We pull away and my mom looks at me, emotions written across her face. “Stella, I’m so proud of you. You don’t realize just how inspiring it is to see you get your spark back.”

As I look at my parents, at the pride in their eyes, the hope across their face, it hits me with brutal force just what I misunderstood for all those years.

I’d always prided myself on ending my family’s cycle with their financial struggles, giving them the chance to live like they’d been deprived of for so long.

But now I realize I never ended the cycle, but allowed it to take another form. While I hadn’t been surviving when I was competing, I hadn’t been living either. I’d been going through the motions.

I can still remember with clarity the emptiness I felt every day, as if I was just watching time pass by. Sometimes quicker, sometimes slower. Each day would blend into the next, and nothing seemed to move or change in any direction becauseIwasn’t changing.

I’d see others moving on, growing, evolving, and wonder why I was where I was.

Emotion tugs at my heart because I know now that this is the end—I won’t let myself or my family fall into the same pattern ever again.

I never want togo throughlife again, I want toexperienceit to thefullest.

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